*Change of plan - and maybe some good news!*

ZTD

Snaggles wrote: »

That's a good question actually. I've been thinking about it quite a bit for the last couple of hours, and I think I'm angry at him, but I'm not sure exactly why.

Because he was the one who left? And of his own violition?

Snaggles wrote: »

I feel like he has caused a lot of hurt, in many ways, and his apparent lack of interest in us has been particularly damaging to Ryan.

He'll get over it. Kids do, and exceedingly quickly.

You seem to be focussing exclusively on Ryan (this is not the first time), and not on you all as a family. Why?

Snaggles wrote: »

So I find myself watching him like a hawk, looking out for any tiny sign that he is slipping back into his old ways again, and almost testing him to see if I can catch him out.

That's not good. Constantly scrutinising him is wearing for the pair of you. And nobody is perfect. Not even me. :A

What are his "old ways"?

What are your "old ways"?

Snaggles wrote: »

And when I inevitably do spot something, I am at boiling point straight away, and struggling to keep my temper.

I know I'm not being fair to him, but I am trying so hard, and it's really very difficult.

You're not being fair on yourself either. How easily do you forgive?

Bunnyinthelights

Well done babe.
Keep talking.
x x x x

Snaggles

ZTD wrote: »

You seem to be focussing exclusively on Ryan (this is not the first time), and not on you all as a family. Why?

I'll try and explain, but I'm not sure if I can put it across very well, so bear with me if I say something stupid or illogical. I'm just going to type it as I think it, so ANYTHING could happen!

Ryan is autistic, that much I'm certain of, but where on the autism spectrum he is, I don't yet know.

He's very difficult to 'reach' sometimes. He is also pedantic, argumentative, incredibly intelligent, needs to win, has poor social skills, can't read emotions in others very well, has hugely sophisticated speech, but equally huge difficulties in understanding language (he doesn't understand sarcasm, expressions, jokes, he can't read between the lines etc).

He is also painfully aware of how 'different' he is, which leads to very low self esteem, angry, often violent outbursts, and even self harm (he will try to bang his head on walls, that type of thing....I feel sick even typing this).

He needs handling in a very specific way, and even then, he will never completely overcome his difficulties, only learn to compensate for them.

I sometimes feel that Stu hasn't accepted that Ryan is anything other than a naughty child that needs controlling. He will never just back down and let Ryan win an argument, he can never just walk away, he allows himself to be drawn into arguments, he wont ignore unwanted behaviour, he forgets to praise Ryan when he DOES behave well, he pulls me into the centre of arguments between them (he said this...well, he said that...yes but he did this....). He doesn't see that when Ryan is in meltdown, there is no point trying to reason with him, he needs comfort and reassurance, not shouting and punishments.

I have discussed all this with Stu, and he is aware that this is how he is - he does try, and sometimes puts a great deal of effort into improving his relationship with Ryan. But it's hard to mend a broken relationship, and when Ryan doesn't respond immediately, he gives up and feels he can't do it, so his depression deepens, and Ryan's self esteem plummets further (because he doesn't understand what he did wrong to make Daddy not love him again, which is how he sees it).

I feel like our whole relationship hinges on whether or not Ryan and Stu can ever be close, and whether Stu is prepared to put in the long term, consistent effort that it will take.

Have I just waffled? Sorry.

Bunnyinthelights

Baby,
Huge (((((hugs))))))
You are so eloquent and you have described the situation heart-breakingly well.
Try to remember you can't 'fix' everything.
We all love you.
x x x

Ellidee

:T Wow hun that is so heartfelt and articulate. :A

Ellidee

P.S. What bunny said too XX

beanielou

Do you feel that you can move on from here?
Do you want too?
Do you feel its easier to deal with Ryan on your own because you can manage better?(If that makes sence)
Huggles

Snaggles

beanielou wrote: »

Do you feel that you can move on from here?

Yes, I hope so, although I think it will take a while for my feeling of anger to go completely. I suppose it depends if Stu is willing to bear with me for the time it takes for me to work through my own feelings.

Do you want too?

Yes, I really do, I really love him, and I know he loves me, despite not being able to show it very well.

Do you feel its easier to deal with Ryan on your own because you can manage better?(If that makes sence)

It's harder in some ways, because when things are going well, I love having Stu's support, and it's lonely without him. But it's less stressful and much calmer.

ZTD

Snaggles wrote: »

I'll try and explain, but I'm not sure if I can put it across very well, so bear with me if I say something stupid or illogical. I'm just going to type it as I think it, so ANYTHING could happen!

Ryan is autistic, that much I'm certain of, but where on the autism spectrum he is, I don't yet know.

He's very difficult to 'reach' sometimes. He is also pedantic, argumentative, incredibly intelligent, needs to win, has poor social skills, can't read emotions in others very well, has hugely sophisticated speech, but equally huge difficulties in understanding language (he doesn't understand sarcasm, expressions, jokes, he can't read between the lines etc).

It's not quite true that he doesn't understand things like that. He just doesn't *feel* them. He can be taught to recognise them (that person is sad) and what it means (sad people do this). Ironically non-autistic people have problems with this, as they feel it is "gaming the system".

Snaggles wrote: »

He is also painfully aware of how 'different' he is, which leads to very low self esteem, angry, often violent outbursts, and even self harm (he will try to bang his head on walls, that type of thing....I feel sick even typing this).

He needs handling in a very specific way, and even then, he will never completely overcome his difficulties, only learn to compensate for them.

I sometimes feel that Stu hasn't accepted that Ryan is anything other than a naughty child that needs controlling. He will never just back down and let Ryan win an argument, he can never just walk away, he allows himself to be drawn into arguments, he wont ignore unwanted behaviour, he forgets to praise Ryan when he DOES behave well, he pulls me into the centre of arguments between them (he said this...well, he said that...yes but he did this....). He doesn't see that when Ryan is in meltdown, there is no point trying to reason with him, he needs comfort and reassurance, not shouting and punishments.

I have discussed all this with Stu, and he is aware that this is how he is - he does try, and sometimes puts a great deal of effort into improving his relationship with Ryan. But it's hard to mend a broken relationship, and when Ryan doesn't respond immediately, he gives up and feels he can't do it, so his depression deepens, and Ryan's self esteem plummets further (because he doesn't understand what he did wrong to make Daddy not love him again, which is how he sees it).

Have you told Stu, that it will need persistance? And how much? Because it certainly seems to me, like you have two people who don't understand how the other ticks, and so they both (in effect) need to be told how to "game the system" for the other. Both will get it wrong.

Also, don't have a big "pow-wow" with Stu - stuff is easily forgotton. You could try to get into the habit of having "instant' debriefs - though warn Stu first. That enables lessons to be learned when things are still fresh.

When he gets older, you're going to have to do the same with Ryan.

Yes, it's a PITA, but with incompatible protocols, you do need to translate them.

Snaggles wrote: »

I feel like our whole relationship hinges on whether or not Ryan and Stu can ever be close, and whether Stu is prepared to put in the long term, consistent effort that it will take.

But what are you going to accept? It seems like you either want a close relationship between them, or none at all.

Snaggles wrote: »

Have I just waffled? Sorry.

Hey! Like I'm *never* guilty of that... :rolleyes:

Snaggles

Bunnyinthelights wrote: »

Baby,
Huge (((((hugs))))))
You are so eloquent and you have described the situation heart-breakingly well.
Try to remember you can't 'fix' everything.
We all love you.
x x x

Thanks Bunny - I love you all too. Hope you are feeling okay today?

Ellidee - thanks to you as well. And thanks for the email, it really cheered me up!