when is it adultery

gonzo127

ok so just after some advice with this,

so me and my wife have been separated 'officially' since May with me having moved out, this was my choice and it wasn't adultery as to why i left, but the complete lack of intimacy from my wife, and constant rejections of me when ever i tried to be romantic, anyway i digress.

basically, i have found out just recently (from my step daughter in fact) that my wife has been seeing another man, and although my step daughter doesn't know the details of if anything happened, i have found out that it has.

so the basic question is, is the fact she has had sex with another man, even though we are separated, still classed as adultery?

morally i don't have any problem with her having found someone else and i am actually glad she has found at least a small measure of happiness, but i would like to get properly started on divorce proceedings and get things over and done with quickly. instead of having to wait another 18 months.

VestanPance

Doesn't matter is it's technically classed as adultery if that's what you want to speed up the divorce process. Unless she agrees to the divorce then you'll need to wait another 18 months to file.

When it comes to divorce the reason for separating means absolutely nothing in terms of the legal process outside of splitting possible childcare safety.

gonzo127

VestanPance wrote: »

Doesn't matter is it's technically classed as adultery if that's what you want to speed up the divorce process. Unless she agrees to the divorce then you'll need to wait another 18 months to file.

When it comes to divorce the reason for separating means absolutely nothing in terms of the legal process outside of splitting possible childcare safety.

thanks, that's basically what i was thinking and hoping, personally don't mind on the reason, as i dont personally see it as adultery as we are no longer together, and as i said i am happy that she is seeing someone who (i would hope) makes her happy.

i would just prefer not to wait for another 18 months to start the ball rolling with getting the divorce made final, so we can both move on with our lives properly, and know adultery is one of the things that is permissible to file for it straight away

MataNui

Blame in a divorce isnt as important anymore. It used to be a way to avoid the costs associated with divorce so it would have been beneficial to you to divorce her for adultery (you are still married so technically you would be able to). That has all changed now though and the courts will expect both sides to cover their own legal costs.

So there isnt really any advantage to doing it. If you want a divorce just speak to her about it. If she has found someone else she may also want to move on quite quickly.

WillowCat

It is adultery, but it's not generally considered a good idea to use this as grounds for divorce.

The reason being, if she doesn't admit it you have to have proof - either a baby being born or extremely intimate photos.

Better to use unreasonable behaviour. The lack of intimacy which caused you to leave would be enough, though you have to give several examples.

While unreasonable behaviour could be contested, the cost and hassle of doing so at a hearing normally means that the respondent simply says "i deny the allegations, but consent to the divorce"....

It's common for the petitioner to say they will pay for the divorce if it isn't contested.

Then worry about the finances - a whole new ball game!

TBagpuss

technically it is adultery but as Willowcat says, you would only use this for the divorce if she is willing to cooperate, as unless she admits to the adultery the level of proof needed is pretty high.

Either of you could start proceedings based on 'unreasonable behaviour' - it doesn't have to be objectively bad behaviour, it is that she has behaved in ways which mean you *personally* could not continue living with her, and it is subjective, so it is about how you felt, - she does not need to agree that the things you say are accurate, or that they were the main reason for the marriage breaking down, she only needs to agree that the marriage has broken down.

gonzo127

TBagpuss wrote: »

technically it is adultery but as Willowcat says, you would only use this for the divorce if she is willing to cooperate, as unless she admits to the adultery the level of proof needed is pretty high.

Either of you could start proceedings based on 'unreasonable behaviour' - it doesn't have to be objectively bad behaviour, it is that she has behaved in ways which mean you *personally* could not continue living with her, and it is subjective, so it is about how you felt, - she does not need to agree that the things you say are accurate, or that they were the main reason for the marriage breaking down, she only needs to agree that the marriage has broken down.

that's interesting thank you,

will try and speak to her about it soon again, however she does not feel that her behavior was 'unreasonable', even though it was spoken about in length in the marriage counselling we went to, she just was not willing to accept that a marriage should include some form of physical intimacy, and that a average of 2-3 times a year over the course of 8 years (including the honeymoon period), just wasn't something i could live with for the rest of my life (i am early 30s),

i guess if i am honest, the idea of going for adultery has given me a little satisfaction, as over the 8 months of us 'trying' to work through our problems, she was not once willing to be intimate with me, yet within 3 months of me moving out, she has hooked up with another guy in that way. and yet she has stated over and over again that it was me not trying, and that she tried so hard to make things work etc

which was why i was going down the adultery route, as although i don't have pictures etc, i have had a 'family friend' tell me about it as my wife is telling quite a few people about it and bragging relatively openly about her hooking up with this guy - to everyone apart from me it would seem

i guess talking to her and trying to get a agreement on unreasonable behavior might be easier in the long run

bluenoseam

You entirely sure it just started after you left?

gonzo127

bluenoseam wrote: »

You entirely sure it just started after you left?

although you can never be 100% certain, i do believe that nothing happened till i had left

whitewing

If she has had very, very little sex with you over the marriage, what makes you think she has actually had sex with someone else?

(It isn't like she has stopped having sex with you - it sounds like she has a low libido or sex is not that important to her for other reasons).

Peter333

Can't add anything else Gonzo, and what Willowcat said is bang on. I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a top guy, I am sorry your marriage didn't work out, and I hope you find happiness with someone else soon.