Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Georgiegirl256

Am going to order one of those lavender mice, will be perfect for my aunties hamper because a, she loves lavender (obviously!) and b, she used to be a seamstress and made cute little things like that and dolls for me when I was little. So I think she'll appreciate that Now, what colour? Stick with the lavender colour or not? I like them all!

How cute are these from the same seller? https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/156702721/key-chain-flatfish-fabric-and-machine?ref=shop_home_active_2

Waves_and_Smiles

I said I would explain the most amusing so I will. I am going to penguin because it does talk about suicidal feelings but there is nothing graphic and it does have a degree of black humour. Feel free to giggle, I see the funny side.

Penguin

So it seems the answer to my entire life is Frankie Goes To Hollywood! Yes, really and no not THAT song!

I suddenly remembered one of their lyrics from a song that was released when I was 18. I played this part of the song over and over for an hour, convinced that it had a hidden message for me.

I don't know which way to go
My love's like driven snow
When we pass the test of time
My love you shall be mine
And if only, lost and lonely
Is all that's wrong with me, we' ll be free
Be free, be free

One of the worse things about psychosis is the tug of war between the healthy part of me and the unwell part. It is actually easier for me to be with someone who can keep me safe and then let myself go with the thoughts, if I fight them I become very tense and anxious which prolongs the episode and makes me feel much worse. So when WaSp got up I played this part of the song repeatedly, listening intensely to the lyrics and analysing them. I concluded that the hidden message was that I was supposed to die to be free which would then make the world free of pain. It was a euphoric feeling, that this was why I was born and if I took my life there would be no more violence in the world, that there would peace and love would conquer everything. The future of the world was in my hands. I was so happy, it was time for me to fulfill my true purpose, I couldn't stop laughing. I did share this with WaSp who was trying quite hard not to smile because Frankie goes to Hollywood is the answer to my existence? Really?

The thought carried on until I fell asleep and now I am almost convinced that it isn't true. There is a tiny part of me asking but what if it is? But I am telling that part to shut up. I hadn't thought of that song in years, psychosis tends to bring up the strangest memories that I wouldn't otherwise think of. Even at the time I found it funny though, of all the wonderful, emotive music out there and my brain chooses an 80's pop song as my answer to everything. I still feel happiness when I think of the thoughts now but that will fade as the medication continues to work.

End penguin.

I should also add that I feel like an idiot sharing all of this and I am aware that I sound as mad as a box of frogs but hopefully it helps someone who might have had similar thoughts. I hope that it shows how totally irrational psychosis is and how one's emotions become distorted. I am still a little weird but much better than this morning and will continue the emergency medication for a few days which should sort my chemicals out. Sorry for being such a nutter!

jobbingmusician

WaS, I think you are wonderful. You are so open and honest, and I'm sure people will find that very helpful xxxxx

I have fallen in love with a sleeping bag! http://pulptastic.com/paws-for-thought/?utm_content=bufferc4ead&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer (I love the last picture with the arm sticking out! )

Georgiegirl256

WaS, I love your honesty Also, you can't beat 80's music, it's the best!

Waves_and_Smiles

That's adorable, JM!

I do hope my honesty helps people, I try to explain the thoughts as they are for me as truthfully as I can. I also hope it helps in some small way to show that despite what the media says that Schizophrenia isn't a violent condition. Just like with anyone in any walk of life there are a handful of people with it that react that way but they are just a handful. Most are just like me. All of my psychotic thoughts only ever involve hurting me, and it is always to release others from pain and to save people. I have never had a thought about hurting anyone, I always think that if I do something bizarre that it will make others feel better and in this case rescue the world. My intentions are always good, just very misguided. I kind of feel like standing up at an AA meeting scenario and saying I am schizophrenic and I literally wouldn't hurt a fly even when I am very ill. I really wouldn't.

whitewing

WaS,

I love the bit where you say 'I am almostconvinced it isn't true. Personally I think the Nolans would be more likely to contact you to save the world with a cheery song.

You are so sweet. I love your posts.

georgie, I still have some of etsy to trawl through so more ideas may be forthcoming over the weekend. (Not least because a lavender hamper for my MIL is looking a possibility for next year!)

whitewing

More lavender:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Hair-Stimulant-for-Growth-Strength-Pure-Essential-Oils-Rosemary-Lavender-125ml-/111742493183?hash=item1a045f21ff:g:sTcAAOSwT6pVzFQm

Overbudget for a hamper but I do like its slouchiness:

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/214503107/lavender-crochet-hand-knitted-ladies?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=lavender&ref=sr_gallery_10

Waves_and_Smiles

Funny you should mention the Nolans, whitewing! I know the man who wrote I'm in the mood for dancing for them, he used to be my yoga teacher. We are still in vague contact.

Hahaha! It's true, I am almost convinced what I imagined isn't real! There is still a little bit of me saying what if...? but that part is not allowed any space in my thoughts right now. In other news, I am ridiculously dehydrated from the medication, my lips have cracked and my already dry eyes are like sand. I am downing glasses of water as fast as I can.

jobbingmusician

Thanks grumbler, just what I needed. (I couldn't see betting history for looking!)

Ha ha, wrong thread, sorry! Thought I'd leave it here to give people a laugh!

Waves_and_Smiles

Oops, wrong thread, JM? *giggle*