Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

piggles1

Thanks all for the lovely welcome

I think I will have to write it all down for the doctor. And as Pyxis says I probably ought to write down that it made me anxious to not be understood. I'm a bit worried about saying that, although he could see I was getting really panicky.

I can't change doctors again, I already changed to this new doctor within the new practice and he knows his stuff, just he's suddenly dismissive now he's read my notes, in other words exactly like the old one used to be who wrote the notes. I wish I could see the notes but I daren't ask.

If I have to go to the next town for the assessment a taxi would make me hugely distressed and has too many triggers. Not least the cost. The reason I'm scared to go out is it's a constant combination of everything I'm scared of all at once. I get scared indoors as well and have anxiety that lasts all day.

I think it comes from my upbringing. I can't think of anything else but I remember things I was told that were either really unhelpful or made it all worse. They never talked to me about the actual anxieties I had, just the things they said had the effect of frightening me.

The people I have do whatever they need to do, and I never speak to them. They talk to eachother and I'm not really here at all. I'm just the public face I suppose, appears briefly when necessary then disappears. I've been told by a counsellor I don't have DID but she might have expected to see them all and didn't. They never appeared but did occasionally talk in my ear/behind me when I was in counselling and they were generally annoyed if the counsellor was no good, or didn't take them into account.

I'd best post this because it's taken me ages to write. I might be able to explain a bit better tomorrow. I'm not sure I've made sense

calleyw

piggles1 wrote: »

I wish I could see the notes but I daren't ask.

Why not you have a right to see your notes.

Evening my lovelies,

Well got through another day. Eaten crap again. Need to give my wallet to my husband.

I have a dr's appointment next week. Need to chat to him/her about my anxiety issues as my sleep has gone to pot since going to back to work. I think its work rather than the cold. And also my eating issues.

In the cold light of day I know that everyone makes mistakes. I did something this morning nothing major and corrected it and no one got hurt:rotfl: But for me it becomes a big issue to the point that I get so wound up I walk away from the situation/job etc. Can't eat or sleep etc.

I am on an fairly even keel apart from yesterday.

its pay day tomorrow :j need to give my husband back my wallet to stop me spending money.

Bed time for me. Night.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

You made perfect sense, piggles. It really might be an idea to ask to see your notes, I know it is difficult but you could also write that request down too? I am lucky that I can email my doctor now but previously he had a whole collection of notes from me, I would often sit in silence and thrust a piece of paper at him whilst retreating back under my blanket! One of the reasons he allowed me to be part of the programme that allows me to email my GP was because of the enormous collection of notes! I promise GP's are quite used to written requests, my doctor told me I wasn't the only one at all.

I understand about your others, you describe it very well. It sounds as if you are the main front person right now who deals with the social aspects (often called the host). I am the host for us, but because we are now co-concious it is me up front almost all of the time and the others chat away behind me when they need/want to. We no longer switch unless I am very unwell and we share a lot of memories (although I have a 9 month gap where someone/s else was here that I know nothing about, and no one is about to tell me).

We had therapy because I had such gaping holes in my memory and so many different things were triggering me and I didn't know why. It turned out that they were other peoples memories and triggers that were influencing me. Plus I used to think that I had lost the plot because I had these people in my head the whole time living in their own house and it scared me to an extent. One of the biggest things I had to learn to do was to actually look at my others and speak with them, it turned out that they quite willing to speak with me but it was I who was shutting them out. I only accepted two adults who had been with me for as long as I can remember, and even with them as an adult I thought I must be insane.

MPD/DID is not a static thing, it is a huge spectrum of which people have varying degrees. We all have dissociation, the term automatic pilot is a typical example of it. Some people are just further along the spectrum than others. There is still some confusion about it and we are still learning how it works so unfortunately it can take a couple of attempts to find a therapist that understands it but they are out there. Also, it is quite possible to dissociate and not actually need therapy at all, it only becomes a problem if it disrupts the way you wish to live or hurts yourself or others. Remember the others are there to keep you all alive and functioning, it isn't a bad thing, it is very positive. I don't consider my MPD a problem at all, now we have learnt to communicate I am more than happy to leave things just as they are, besides we would miss each other if we tried to change things.

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes, everyone makes mistakes, Calley and you corrected it so well done you! No harm done! Also well done to making it to pay day, now you get a reward for working so hard!

Night night, sleep well!

calleyw

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Yes, everyone makes mistakes, Calley and you corrected it so well done you! No harm done! Also well done to making it to pay day, now you get a reward for working so hard!

Night night, sleep well!

I know that everyone makes mistakes but I just get so wound up and upset about it. Even if I don't think I have made a mistake I just get it in my head that I have had.

Then I can't get to sleep and then its one massive cycle that I struggle to get out.

I don't think I should be perfect and know that I never will be. Just don't want myself or other people to get in trouble for something that I have done.

Silly I know. Maybe I care to much or too sensitive who knows.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

I know how that feels, I completely accept that everyone makes mistakes and readily forgive people for them...unless it's me and then I think I am a complete failure and no good to anyone and remind myself of it at every opportunity. I know no one is perfect including me but I certainly blame myself for the fact that I'm not!

I wish I had an answer for you but as someone who spends two hours every night before sleep going over as many past mistakes as her brain can remember and reliving them as if they happened yesterday all I can say is that I totally understand.

calleyw

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I know how that feels, I completely accept that everyone makes mistakes and readily forgive people for them...unless it's me and then I think I am a complete failure and no good to anyone and remind myself of it at every opportunity. I know no one is perfect including me but I certainly blame myself for the fact that I'm not!

I wish I had an answer for you but as someone who spends two hours every night before sleep going over as many past mistakes as her brain can remember and reliving them as if they happened yesterday all I can say is that I totally understand.

WaS,

I am tears here. Good ones of course. That someone understands how I feel. Or should I say how they feel.

I felt so silly crying in front of my supervisor the other day. And they said they don't want me to feel bad like that. And I don't want to.

I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night having a melt down because I think I have done something wrong and the whole world is going to end.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

I know, Calley. I don't want to either but my brain has other plans for me most nights. I can recall incidents from over 20 years ago and end up curling up in a small ball of anxiety and self-hatred as a result, yet I am the first person to forgive and comfort someone else for their mistakes. We are both way too hard on ourselves!

codemonkey

I know the feeling calley. I still get hung up on all the bad stuff I've ever done (most of it minor), especially at night. I should not still be haunted by messing up a recorder concert when I was 8 or saying something stupid that might have hurt someone's feelings, because I was embarrassed and panicked, should I? But I still go over it in my head.

So errm, I've been constipated because, opiates. It's been almost a week and I was getting really uncomfortable so today I went to get laxatives. Then I remembered what works better and faster than otc laxatives - sugar free mints (hello xylitol). And now I may have to live in the bathroom. So there we go mints > laxatives. Just glad it wasn't the gummy bears.

calleyw

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I know, Calley. I don't want to either but my brain has other plans for me most nights. I can recall incidents from over 20 years ago and end up curling up in a small ball of anxiety and self-hatred as a result, yet I am the first person to forgive and comfort someone else for their mistakes. We are both way too hard on ourselves!

I do understand and that sometimes happens to me. I get flash backs to years ago something I said or did. And it still makes me cringe and I have emotions about it.

I will be very truthful as I said told someone the other day. I don't even like myself!!!!!

I don't think this cold has helped . still coughing my lungs up. Not sure who I have not lost my voice as I am on the phone most of the day.

Yours

Calley