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Moving away, advice needed



  • easilydistracted
    This sounds really similar to my own current and past relationship. Luckily I was able to buy my ex out the house I owned and had lodgers in to help with the bills which made things a bit easier. Less luckily I didn't have such flexible work arrangements.

    It sounds like this is a really really new relationship. I wouldn't recommend leaving yourself without a base in your home area when you're probably in the 'hormone phase' ie possibly more lust then love. You mention his two children in passing but they are the centre of this decision unless their adults already. Have you met them? If not what is the plan with that, do they not stay over with their Dad? If so they will probably be pretty unsettled if a strange lady they don't know very well just moved in.

    What worked for me was:
    -initially spending weekends at my partners little flat from Friday to Monday each week as a bit of a trial.
    -waiting six months to meet his daughter and the relationship with her slowly.
    -after about a year moving up in the week but with going back to my place regularly at weekends, with my lodger and cats still there. This gave me a good trial run about how I would settle in (my distance was about 100 miles).
    -We're now at the six month living together stage and my house is on the market. We're buying together but I will get a legal agreement about retaining the deposit amount.
    -This was all despite actually knowing my partner as a (entirely platonic) colleague for a year prior to the relationship

    I hope this means that our relationship is more likely to be successful rather than it having been a crazy rush.

    I appreciate you're not in a position to keep the house on necessarily but you can rent a room in your home area. It's also lovely that you're Mum is happy for you to base yourself at hers. So my advice overall is not to burn your bridges too much.
    Saving for a deposit. £5440 of £11000 saved so far:j
  • TeaRex
    TeaRex Posts: 52 Forumite
    I have met his kids, they are five and nearly two, they do stay with their dad overnight once a week and he sees them and has them during the week also. His ex knows that I have met them but I wasn't introduced as anything other than my name. Ive also met his mum and his sister. Obviously I understand that the kids will always come first.

    I have been spending time at his for Friday - Monday already, and we recently spent a week and a half together, partly at his and partly at mine.

    I know its soon and we have been together for around eight weeks now but like i said before, we just click so well. Ive always been a believer of fate and what will be will be and things happen for a reason. I would rather risk it and it go wrong than cut it off and it be 'what if'

    Thanks again guys
    June 2015 Debt - £23643 // March 2018 Debt - £1490
    Sealed Pot Challenge Member - 584
  • emsywoo123
    emsywoo123 Posts: 5,440 Forumite
    TeaRex wrote: »
    I know its soon and we have been together for around eight weeks now b

    8 weeks........I read the thread and thought at least 6 months!

    That is *really* soon when there are children involved. I know they are not yours but wow........ sorry if I missed this, but is there a reason you cannot sell your house and rent a 1 bed flat or something near him rather than move in with him?
  • Pixie5740
    Pixie5740 Posts: 14,515 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post Photogenic First Anniversary
    I was going to suggest that you try and get consent to let for your current property and let it out whilst you move to this new area but that would also mean you're still tied to you ex. Instead I'm going to suggest selling your current home for no other reason that to make a clean break with your ex.

    As for moving to the new area by all means go for it but if find your own home before jumping straight into living full time with the new fellow. You only live once and if you think this relationship then go for it but as it means moving to a new area I think it's a good idea to live in your own home rather than his (especially as his children stay at his sometimes) and build up your own life and social network rather than being with him 24/7.
  • TeaRex
    TeaRex Posts: 52 Forumite
    As its shared ownership they don't allow sub letting. But yes as you say, a clean break from the ex is what I need.

    I know when we bought this place, it had taken the previous owner a year from first putting for sale to completion with us so Im expecting it to take the same time. Once the house is sold Ill make my final decision, about where I will move to, if it will be together or separate etc etc.

    Its not a case of, I will be moving next week or anything like that, it will definitely be at least six months time - a year.

    Thanks for all the input so far
    June 2015 Debt - £23643 // March 2018 Debt - £1490
    Sealed Pot Challenge Member - 584
  • woohoo
    woohoo Posts: 377 Forumite
    edited 19 August 2015 at 9:05AM

    Just to say that if you are not married then I don't believe you have to split 50/50? If you put the deposit in, then that should be yours at least. I would check this out properly before handing over half your deposit to him as I'm sure living together is not viewed the same as being wed!

    By the way, I say go for it if you really feel you want to. Just keep your finances independent for a while in case it goes wrong further down the line and have a contingency plan.
  • TeaRex
    TeaRex Posts: 52 Forumite
    I know I had the option to get a document drawn up when we bought saying I had put the deposit in, but I didn't get it done, hindsight is wonderful! But I have spoken to a solicitor who says that legally he can have 50% of all equity. So we will have to come to some arrangement together ourselves.

    And yes I won't make the same mistake regards finances again! My new partner has said he isn't interested in my money, he has his own.

    Thanks again
    June 2015 Debt - £23643 // March 2018 Debt - £1490
    Sealed Pot Challenge Member - 584
  • TeaRex
    TeaRex Posts: 52 Forumite
    Just logged in after a long time away from the site and found it really interesting to read this back!

    Thought I would post an update in case anyone in the future finds themselves in a similar situation and wanted to know the outcome of this one.

    My house eventually sold in Feb 16. At this time I had around 15-18k of debt, I paid a lot of this off with proceeds from the house but it mainly paid off arrears and I was still left with 12.5k debt. I did get the whole of my deposit back thankfully, but my ex did not pay me any of the 6k that he owed me..I have now managed to get this down to 8.5k debt and its continuing to decline with lots of the smaller debts nearly paid off so I can then tackle the bigger ones!

    I moved back in with my parents the day my house sold and I also continued to travel the 180 miles each way to my new partners house every single weekend. I put in an official transfer at work and due to a work reshuffle/bumping I was finally able to get my transfer to the new area in August/Sept 2016.

    I moved in with my partner and we are still very much happily together! His children are now 3 and 6 and they stay with us 2-3 nights a week, my partner sees them 22 days out of 28 and they know that daddy is with me and mummy has a new partner also so they have a routine which works out well for all of us. They are very happy when at ours so thats the main thing, they are very excited for christmas!

    My parents and sister still haven't met my new partner. My parents also moved away from the area we all grew up in which i was totally surprised about. I think they have come round to the idea of me moving away quite well, I speak to them regularly on the phone and have plans to visit their new home (which is now 5 hours from me rather than the 3 it was before) just after Christmas for a couple of days. Unfortunately my partner can't come with me due to work commitments but Im hoping in 2017 we will finally all get together!

    Hope this makes sense and like i said, this was strange to read back on but I know I made the right decisions and don't have any regrets :) Thanks for reading if you got this far!
    June 2015 Debt - £23643 // March 2018 Debt - £1490
    Sealed Pot Challenge Member - 584
  • Money_maker
    Thanks for the update, good to bear it's all worked out for you and nice for us to find out what happened. Good luck for the future, check out the DFW board with your SOA if you need any help to shift the last little bit of debt.
    Please do not quote spam as this enables it to 'live on' once the spam post is removed. ;)

    If you quote me, don't forget the capital 'M'

    Declutterers of the world - unite! :rotfl::rotfl:
  • sweetbabu
    I was going to reply with my own situ, and then i realised that the thread was almost 18 months old!

    I'm really glad that you are happy, and also that you came back to update :)

    My partner lived a little over 400 miles from me and my mum cried when I told her I was moving. My parents really like my OH and can see how happy we are, and we go back home regularly too.

    The thing you need to remember is that you live your life for yourself and you need to be happy. Don't let anyone else dictate what you do x
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