Moving away, advice needed

TeaRex

Hi all, long time lurker but new to posting. Sorry for the extremely long post, this is kind of for advice but also to get everything off my chest a bit

Basically Im looking for advice or thoughts from people who may have had a similar experience to me.

I was with a partner for 9 years. We got engaged quite young but never married or had children. We have a mortgage together. We started planning our wedding for this year but the more we booked, the more I realised it wasn't what I wanted and so I called it off and we broke up. Currently I am living in the house and he has gone back to his parents. He also left me in quite a bit of debt, I owe £10k and £6k of this is from him. Plus I am trying to pay the mortgage/bills etc all on my own as my ex doesn't see why he should when he doesn't live here which is fair enough I suppose. So thats the back story.

I have met another guy, but it was completely unexpected. My intention was to have a break from a relationship for about a year but it hasn't happened that way. But thats life! The only problem is that this guy lives 180 miles from me. But thats not an issue for me. It feels like we have known each other years, I have never clicked with anyone this way, we are on the same wavelength about everything.

I see him all the time, luckily my job is quite flexible. And he has been to stay with me here too. I have read stories about people who has gotten into relationships quickly and never could make sense of it or believe that it could be a successful relationship and likewise talking to my colleagues, some of them have been with their partners for years and years after meeting them within a week of splitting from their previous partners. I would be quite happy to move to this guys area as to be honest, its a lot cheaper than where I currently live, to buy a property. Plus also he has two children from a previous relationship.

I need to sell my current property anyway as its the only way I am going to clear my debt. And rent is so expensive around here for a single person.

The only problem I seem to have is my immediate family. They understandably don't want me to move away, and it feels like they are putting a guilt trip on me every time I mention it or we talk about what I have been up to. But to me its not that far, Ill still be seeing them as regularly as I do now. To put it into context, I live no more than 20 minutes from my parents and my sister but I see them approx once every two weeks which would be doable if I move too. But they just keep saying things like what if it all goes wrong and what about my niece and nephew, and I have even been told I am anti - family.

I see it from another side, what if this is the best thing that could happen to me, and that this move is the best thing I could do? Im not scared of moving, to be honest it excites me to move to a new area and to meet new people and have a challenge and live a slightly more relaxed way of life than I do now. Plus I could be debt free and build up savings so much more easier as its so much more cheaper. For example, a two bedroom house here is approx £200-£250k but there it is around £150k max. Just looking for people who have been in a similar situation as I know I will end up moving there, its just will my parents and sister come around to the idea?

Just as some side notes, when he was last at mine my parents didn't want to meet him, my sister apparently did even though she knew he was here she didn't say she would like to. My boss has already told me there would be no problem with me moving and he would support me (my job is field based and I could work from anywhere) and colleagues I have spoken to have told me if it feels right then go for it. I know its the right thing for me at the moment but how do I deal with my family not wanting me to go?

Thanks for your time if you got this far!

TBagpuss

I think that the concerns that your family are expressing are valid - it sounds as though you have only known this new partner for a very short time, and very quickly after ending your previous relationship. Meeting someone on the rebound can work out, but it is very common for it not to, so it is not surprising that they are worried.

having said that, it is your life, not theirs.

What I would suggest is that you consider contingency plans and let them know that you have done so.

For instance, suppose that you move to the new area and the relationship with your new partner *doesn't* work out?
Would you be happy living there if you were single?
House prices are lower - how easy would it be to move back if things didn't work out?
What alternatives are there - could you rent for 6 months before buying so that you can leave fairly easily if things go wrong?
If it wasn't for the new partner, would you still be thinking about moving?

Your family are probably worried about you, and addressing some of these issues may help reassure them.

Also - bear in mind that if they got on well with your ex, they may still be 'mourning' he end of that relationship, and they may also be concerned about what you leaving the area means for them - are they likelyto feel able to travel to visit you? 180 miles doesn't seem like a massive distance to me, but if your family all live, and have always lived, in a fairly small area then it probably seems much more daunting to them.

What I would not recommend is buying a property *with* your new partner at this stage - move closer but stay independent, at least to begin with.

Good luck

TeaRex

Hi thankyou for the reply and you bring up some valid points.

My parents have said I can move in with them as a temporary thing. But being late 20's living in my old bedroom at theirs doesn't really appeal to me as I haven't lived there for 7 years, its quite cramped and they are the type of parents that if I just wanted to pop to the shop, they would ask me twenty questions. So if it doesn't work out, I could always move back as a last resort and save up for a place again.

The plan would be to move there and rent for 6 months to a year together first yes. As you can rent some lovely places for around £500 a month all in so obviously we would pay half of this each.

If it wasn't for the new partner, I would still need to be selling this house. At the moment Im struggling to get everything paid each month. If I didn't have debt, it would be just about fine but with the debt repayments on top of the mortgage etc, Its really difficult. My ex isn't paying anything towards it, and wants to repay the money he owes me from the equity we have built up in the house when its sold. I have considered a lodger but not 100% comfortable with the idea.

My sister has said that she wouldn't want to come and visit me, my parents haven't mentioned that. But you are right, they have always lived in this area and haven't really travelled far afield, none of them have even ever been abroad before on holiday so I can see why they aren't comfortable about travelling. Whereas my job involves long distance travel sometimes so Im much more comfortable with driving long distance.

Thanks again

Guest101

Is your ex partner agreeable to selling the property?

TeaRex

Yes he is, our mortgage company won't let me remortgage by myself due to debt, and he doesn't earn enough on his own.

Thanks

Guest101

TeaRex wrote: »

Yes he is, our mortgage company won't let me remortgage by myself due to debt, and he doesn't earn enough on his own.

Thanks

And are you joint tenants or tenants in common ?

TeaRex

Not sure which is which but when we bought I put all the deposit in but didn't get it written up so technically the equity could be split 50/50 but we have come to an arrangement about that.

But this thread isn't really about the mortgage, its about dealing with family members who don't want me to move away.

vulpix

My husband moved a long distance to be with me less than a year after the death of his wife,he also brought his young daughter.He visits family regularly and the daughter stays with her Mum's family every school holiday.That was 6 years ago,we have been married 4 years.We had that instant connection as if we have always known each other.They have made friends and would never move back.You are young,the best time to take a risk.You have no ties,do it.Vx

Guest101

TeaRex wrote: »

Not sure which is which but when we bought I put all the deposit in but didn't get it written up so technically the equity could be split 50/50 but we have come to an arrangement about that.

But this thread isn't really about the mortgage, its about dealing with family members who don't want me to move away.

My advice was going to be - ex partners can change their minds when they hear there is someone new on the scene.

I hope not, but you might find he is unwilling to sell now. Or wants the full 50% back.

Hope not, but just something to consider.

pmlindyloo

I say 'go for it'. You obviously have made some sensible plans - renting for a while to see how the relationship goes, and presumably having some savings from the sale of your house.

Your job is 'sorted' and the only thing that is keeping you back is your family.

Understandably they are concerned and there may be all kinds of factors involved in this concern but from what you have said you have it all worked out.

Of course things may not work out but what do you have to lose? You will have to sell the house anyway. It is not as if you are immediately moving into your new man's home on a whim.

I suspect your family is having conversations along the lines of 'he is already has 2 children, she's only known him for ****, she's on the rebound etc etc.'

If your family tend to stick to their immediate area then 180 miles away may seem like the other side of the world to them. If you're in your late 20s to your parents you will still be your parent's little girl and they are trying to protect you.

It is hard for parents to let go but let go they must.

I met my husband and 2 weeks later we were engaged. Sometimes it happens like that. Sometimes you just know. It may go belly up but life is full of risks and as long as you are financially stable then you will recover.

You only get one life so I say sell the house, rent for a while and move to your new love's area. You family will soon get used to it. Maintain regular contact and hopefully they will eventually get 'on side'.

Wishing you well.

TeaRex

Guest101 wrote: »

My advice was going to be - ex partners can change their minds when they hear there is someone new on the scene.

I hope not, but you might find he is unwilling to sell now. Or wants the full 50% back.

Hope not, but just something to consider.

Thank you, no we have contact still and he has accepted the house will need to be sold. I have someone coming round to do the EPC on Thursday and I have already sorted a solicitor. Once I have the EPC, it will be in the housing associations and my solicitors hands, at least for the first 8 weeks.

As for the 50/50 split, Its a risk I am going to have to take. He knows I am seeing someone else but I also know he is actively looking for someone else and has been since a week of us splitting. If he does decide to go for the 50/50 split and then also not pay my my £6k back either then thats a risk Im having to take.

Thanks again guys