Would you move nearer family or stay in better area?

Kirstie70

I have a 3 year old so who last year I moved 500 miles away from our extended family as my partner (his father) got a promotion which meant more money and opportunity.

We had a house on a mortgage which we rented out whilst we rented a property in our new location. Everything was going well. OHs job is going from strength to strength and we are able to save a large proportion of money. I got a full time job which paid a decent amount but decided after paying childcare that it wasn't worth it and I decided to drop down to part time at least until my son starts school next year.

So everything on paper is great. The weather is better than back home, the area and schools are better, jobs and opportunities Are better here.

There is however one thing that is stopping me from being completely "happy". I miss my family terribly. I have two siblings and my partner has one sibling and we have a newborn nephew. My OH works a lot and is constantly on his phone or emails. He is on call for 2 weeks out of the month and when he is the calls are constant and he can't leave the house too far. Over the last 6 months his job has became largely home based and he only has to go into the office once or twice a month.

So the topic of moving home has arisen. I had my partners sister down visiting and when she left I just felt incredibly alone and empty. I am alone with my son the majority of the time when I'm not at work (4 days out of 7). I long for him to have a playmate as I take him to parks and just watch him so lonely. As we have a nephew now I would love for him to have a close family member to play with.

Myself and OH never have a babysitter, a night out, a long lie or a date night together. We could hire a babysitter but I honestly just don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with a stranger in my house. Even if they came recommended by someone.

Also both myself and My partner Have really struggled to make friends. We are lacking a lot in our social life. And it seems easy enough to make friends but we have both found it hard. Although my partner works a lot so it doesn't bother him as much as me.

So, I thought I would ask as I know the MSE community can be (brutally) honest at times. Is it selfish to move back home? I would be giving up a good opportunity at work. OH could continue his job as he works from home the majority of the time.

Do I need to grow up and think long term or do I go with my heart and go home to be closer to family and get some help with my son and more of a life?

System

We spent the first 30 years of our married life in the forces. The nearest we ever got to relatives was 150 miles. Even when I came out of the forces we choice a location based on job prospects and housing. The only allowance we made for family was to be on the same side of the country.

I think the fact that other families within the forces become your 'family' and even though the membership of your family change over time then your family becomes whoever you have around you and your real family do not hold such a strong grip

jjj1980

I think in your position I would stay in the better area.

The no date night/night out thing seriously wouldn't bother me at all but I accept it's not the same for everyone.

Have you looked into joining local mum and child groups? They are a fantastic way of meeting new friends, with shared interests and tend to lead to activities away from the group.

balletshoes

Kirstie70 wrote: »

I have a 3 year old so who last year I moved 500 miles away from our extended family as my partner (his father) got a promotion which meant more money and opportunity.

We had a house on a mortgage which we rented out whilst we rented a property in our new location. Everything was going well. OHs job is going from strength to strength and we are able to save a large proportion of money. I got a full time job which paid a decent amount but decided after paying childcare that it wasn't worth it and I decided to drop down to part time at least until my son starts school next year.

So everything on paper is great. The weather is better than back home, the area and schools are better, jobs and opportunities Are better here.

There is however one thing that is stopping me from being completely "happy". I miss my family terribly. I have two siblings and my partner has one sibling and we have a newborn nephew. My OH works a lot and is constantly on his phone or emails. He is on call for 2 weeks out of the month and when he is the calls are constant and he can't leave the house too far. Over the last 6 months his job has became largely home based and he only has to go into the office once or twice a month.

So the topic of moving home has arisen. I had my partners sister down visiting and when she left I just felt incredibly alone and empty. I am alone with my son the majority of the time when I'm not at work (4 days out of 7). I long for him to have a playmate as I take him to parks and just watch him so lonely. As we have a nephew now I would love for him to have a close family member to play with.

Myself and OH never have a babysitter, a night out, a long lie or a date night together. We could hire a babysitter but I honestly just don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with a stranger in my house. Even if they came recommended by someone.

Also both myself and My partner Have really struggled to make friends. We are lacking a lot in our social life. And it seems easy enough to make friends but we have both found it hard. Although my partner works a lot so it doesn't bother him as much as me.

So, I thought I would ask as I know the MSE community can be (brutally) honest at times. Is it selfish to move back home? I would be giving up a good opportunity at work. OH could continue his job as he works from home the majority of the time.

Do I need to grow up and think long term or do I go with my heart and go home to be closer to family and get some help with my son and more of a life?

it needn't be one or the other - you can have a social life and help with your son where you are now. Do you do anything socially, a class or anything like that, with your son now? Are you planning to send your son to nursery attached to the primary school he'll eventually go to? Would you have time to join the parent/teacher group at the school, or volunteer at the school to help hear the kids read etc in the future?

I live many miles away from most of my family, and I do miss them, my OH also works away a lot, but I wouldn't go "home" and uproot my life here. I am content, don't feel lonely (I'd be doing the same thing at "home" as I would here to be honest, its just my immediate family would be down the road rather than on the end of the phone).

If the only thing keeping you where you are is your job, and on balance everything else is telling you to move "home" and your DH is on board, then maybe you should move, if you're not happy. Its best to do it before your son starts full time school.

dirty_magic

What does your OH want to do? Does he know you want to move back? If your OH is on the same page I think moving home sounds like a good idea, but it's his decision too so you need to discuss it together.

duchy

What makes the new area "better" for you ? All areas have good schools -and you could pick the area you move back to carefully to be within reach of good schools.

It sounds like your partner's job could be done from anywhere and you'd be better able to work yourself with family support and a network of friends locally (although some will have moved on whilst you were away so it won't be the same as before - but you've probably changed a bit too) so you might have good oportunities in your home town too.

Basically whether you move back or stay you need to work on building a social circle but I do agree you need to decide before your child starts school.

What does your partner think ?

Kirstie70

He is happy to move home as he misses the social aspect to it too and just having a bit more of a "life". He has less to lose as he can continue with his job whereas I need to give mine up as working from home isn't an option.

We are quite young parents and although I have tried baby clubs and groups I struggle to connect with the other mums. I had my son at 21 and just feel left out in a group of 30 something mums (although I'm 24 now).

My partners parents both passed away when he was Young so he doesn't have much family back home to miss. Although he does have a sister who he is close to. He does have a large group of friends who he does miss however and who are now having kids and getting married and it would be nice for us both to be involved in this.

Gigglepig

If the area is better I would stick it out a little longer. If you only moved last year it is still early days. also, if you feel empty and lonely and struggle to make friends chances are those feelings will sooner or later resurface when you move, unless you work to resolve these issues. Other people can't fix it for you even if they are family.

Andypandyboy

I think that you are going to get opinions from different types of people here. Those who can happily live hundreds of miles away from family and those who really can't.

You have tried it, that was brave,and more than many people would have done, if it hasn't worked you are in the fortunate position of being able to go back and pick up where you left off. Your husband can work from home, and you may not need to work at all or have the child care to be able to work part time.

Take stock, fast forward a couple of years, what do you want your daily life to look like?

duchy

I know first hand how isolating it can be to be a Mum with a baby in a strange area - Your husband has work and works long hours and it isn't always easy to find other people to do stuff with.

There will be other jobs or you could even use the time whilst your son is small to study to improve your prospects ready for when he is in school.

In your shoes I'd probably move back as you really haven't given any compelling reason to stay and it's not like your husband wants to stay where you are any more than you do.

Kirstie70

Thanks for the replies.

I think deep down we both want to go back home but it's just making the official decision and having all the upheaval of moving again. I doubt myself as I've worked hard in my job, I'm doing well and I do enjoy my job and it's well paid. So I would be leaving that for the unknown back home. I do have a degree but my current job is a graduate job and I know how hard it is to secure these. Especially back home where the job prospects are less.

I guess it's such a hard and personal decision but I wish I didn't need to make it and someone else could take the responsibility as it could potentially impact us negatively when we didn't need to make the decision.

I would plan to move after Christmas if we decided as our rent expires in November and we could move onto a monthly contract and also I am due a large bonus from work in December which I would like to receive. So my son would start school the following August/September depending on where we lived. It worries me too as my son has picked up the local accent through his nursery and it is totally different to mine and my partners and everyone back home and I worry about him being singled out when he starts primary school if we move back home although I'm sure his accent would change (and of course that isn't a major worry).

Just seem to be rambling now but it feels good to write it all down even if it is just for the benefit of myself to reflect.