Debt confession--I'm terrified

feelinglostandscared

Hi,
I stumbled across this forum because I was looking for ideas on how to tell my spouse about our credit card debt. You seem like a very supportive community so I thought I'd take the plunge. I feel like I'm alone although reading this forum has made me feel less so.

My story--I have been hiding debt from my husband for about 8 years. We've been together almost 20 years. Last year he found out about it because I couldn't keep up and his credit card declined while he was trying to purchase something and I had to tell him. By that point the credit cards had been maxed to the tune of $35,000. I deal with an anxiety disorder and depression and this sent me spiralling down. I felt suicidal and for the first time in my life I had a plan and planned to carry it out. I just honestly felt like there was no way out and that everyone would be better off without me. But I was found before I could take the pills and taken to the hospital. A year and a bit later we're right back there. And once again I can't keep up with the payments. I also have student loan debt (which he knows about) to which I make payments every month. I work full time, he is retired.

It has always been extremely difficult to talk to him about finances. I am in charge of paying the bills, buying groceries, etc but when I tell him I need him to take money out of his RRSPs to pay for something he instantly gets irritated. He gets depressed and angry and sometimes won't give it to me because he thinks we should be able to survive on my wage mostly and shouldn't have to money out of his retirement. It has been this way all along and so I began to avoid asking him which then leads me to where we are today. Again. I am feeling very down, anxious, thinking about suicide but I won't harm myself.

I am a professional woman and I make a decent wage but obviously it's not enough. I hide credit card and bank statements. I have taken out payday loans that I can't pay back so I'm caught in a loop there. I forward the phone to my cell because the creditors are calling. This might sound silly but my biggest fear is that if/when I tell him he might harm himself. I'm so very ashamed of myself for getting back into this situation. I feel like I have let everyone down and it hurts me to think I might cause pain to him or anyone else in my life. He is going to the bank sometime this week to find out about something completely unrelated to this and while there he will find out. I know I have to tell him but I'm terrified.

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place but my brain is all over the place right now. Please ask for clarification if needed. Hate this.

cakeforbrains

I didn't want to 'read and run', especially when you are in such a difficult place emotionally.

Money issues can be sorted and they are never worth more than your life.

Can I clarify: are in in UK or US?

crazy_cat_lady

Hi
I'm really new to posting here myself, but I do know that this group of people are massively supportive. I guess that you are in the U.S.? I'm not sure about what help is available over there but please get some advice. I spoke to Stepchange who I found to be massively helpful.
Do you have a budget? If not, that is the first place to start. Everything going in and coming out. Then we can look at where changes can be made.
As for your husband - he will need to know. Yes, he will probably be angry, but that will be shock I would think. He's going to have to get on board and help you out - you're in it together xxx

swampduck

While I sympathise and can indeed empathise I am also really annoyed on your behalf.
Your husband may be retired but he says his money is for his retirement. He is retired therefore he should be using his retirement fund to pay towards the everyday expenses of living otherwise he needs to get back to work soon and start paying his share of the bills. Right now he is not paying his way - if he spends on his credit card - he needs to pay it back out of his 'retirement money' He might be retired but to me he sounds like a right brat!!
Look after number one here - and that means you -if you don't work because of health/anxiety issues then things will get worse. As other posters have mentioned there are charitable debt management companies around - call them and you can start to deal with all this hassle with the support that you need behind you.

Swampy

sourcrates

Hi,
If you are in the U.S., then different debt remedys will apply, I'm afraid this forum can only advise on UK debt solutions, I think you need help with your debts but you really need to find a similar forum that's US based.

Some advice here :

https://www.usa.gov/debt

Movingon5464

I think you should tell him as you are married and should be honest about these things. He may well be angry but it sounds like he is a big part of the problem. You are struggling to support the both of you and he is not paying his way. I don't understand why he thinks that is right. If he has a retirement fund he should be using it to fund his retirement not living off you. As you are feeling so low I would advise confiding in a friend or family member before you speak with your husband then they can support you in dealing with his reaction. I don't mean to be rude but he sounds very selfish so I don't expect he will take it well so find support before you tell him. The stress of living with this secret must be awful. Once it is out in the open you can start to put together a plan to deal with the debt. And he needs to start paying his way. Sounds like you are too nice and he is taking advantage of you.

feelinglostandscared

Thank you everyone! I'm in Canada. . I'm feeling better this morning and much more clear headed. I know I have to tell him and I know he'll go nuts. But I do have a plan which first of all makes him in charge of the finances. It's just too much for me and I obviously can't handle it. I will present him with this at some point today. I can't do it face to face so it will be written in a note and we'll go from there.

The stupid thing is we have the money. We're not rich by any means but we have enough to pay the debt down and still live life. I think he'll be most upset that I didn't tell him sooner although I can't take complete blame for that considering his reluctance to part with his retirement funds. It'll be a rough few days but I think I'll get through it.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. It was just really helpful to get this all out.

StressedSteph

Hi


So sorry you are feeling so low. I am glad you have found a way to tell him.


As an outsider it really reads like you are the parent and he is the child. As a man does he not feel the compulsion to be a provider and to look after you? It seems that all the worry is on your shoulders and he is just having a jolly retirement with his own spending money. Whilst letting you struggle to pay all the bills and debts on your own. Incredibly selfish!.


I do think it is probably a good idea to hand the finances over to him. Then he will see how jolly hard it is to balance. He also has loads of free time to search for good deals on insurances etc while you go to work.


Does Dave Ramseys Every Dollar work in Canada? That would be a great budgeting tool to get onto and also signing up to his Financial Peace university would help you guys.


Make sure you explain that the debt isn't all your spending and that it is his too. I assume you have wracked it up over the years due to not budgeting your money. Very easy to do and I have been in the same situation also.


Dont beat yourself up, it is super easy to get into this situation there are millions of other like you out there.


Have a good chat together, sign up to Every Dollar or something similar and get yourselves on a budget. Most importantly make hims act like the adult he is.


Big Hugs xxx

feelinglostandscared

Yes, it's not like I bought a car or something large on the credit card. It really just is relatively small purchases that have added up. And I agree a budget is very necessary. And I think him handling the finances will definitely alleviate some, if not all, of my stress around the issue.

I will look into the tools you've suggested as well. It's really nice to know I'm not alone in this. My anxiety is at an all time high but I'll manage. Thank all of you so much for taking the time to help a stranger out. It means a lot.

enthusiasticsaver

It sounds like he has abdicated his responsibility for contributing towards the family finances which is extremely unfair. If he has retirement plans then he should be using some of this. My advice first of all is budget and do not use credit cards any more and certainly not payday loans. They are a recipe for disaster when money is tight. Work out your finances together and use cash for everyday spending.

linxen

Been there, done that, goodbye husband unless things are sorted between you both.