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Am i paying too much
Comments
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Thank you all your comments have helped alot0
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Are there any other kinds of disrespectful behaviour from him - criticism, discouragement for having social or family ties, etc?
There are fairly regular threads on here from mothers with partners or husbands who have experienced financial inequality or extreme stinginess bordering on abusive relationships (it includes other disrespectful behaviour as well as being forced to live on very little while their other halfs enjoy a better standard of living). This is usually accompanied by the partner refusing to do any house work or child related activities.
It's a shame the search function on MSE is very weak as they have a good mix of (often conflicting advice). If anyone can dig them up, please provide a link.
In one thread, a woman was forced to pay for everything related to the child and herself from her benefit income. The biological father of the child referred to his daughter as 'her child' and point blank refused to pay for any clothes, treats, food etc which left her very short.
In another thread, a woman was left in close to penury and suffered a lot of criticism for her frugal spending from her partner or husband who had thousands of pounds of ever growing savings in his bank account. He went mad when she bought something like a 10p bottle of cordial to donate to a food bank with 'his' money.
In another thread, a woman was banned from working, going to college or receiving the child benefit in her name (which meant her state pension contributions were not made). She wasn't kept short of money but was kept short of any kind of independence, freedom or social life. She was criticised on a daily basis for her housekeeping skills by her partner who undertook regular inspections. He insisted on coming home from work from lunch everyday and she had to run a bath for him every night.
In another thread, the woman had to pay the rent on their council property with her child tax credits. The problem was that as her husband's income rose, her benefits were reduced and he refused to contribute any further. This left her with about £5 disposable income (per week or per month, I can't remember). He refused to divulge his income, discuss finances and said if she stopped paying the rent, he was happy to be evicted and the children be homeless. If she wanted to leave him, he said she'd have to leave the kids and if she took them with her, he'd report her to social services because she suffered from depression and employ a solicitor to get sole custody.
To be honest, I don't think the behaviour of their male partner's changed much when challenged. I think the guy that went nuts over the 10p cordial was semi apologetic but that's about it.
I believe there is a concept called 'male privilege' coined by domestic abuse specialists and feminists that may perhaps at least explain in part why this kind of behaviour happens. This is where the male truly believes as fact that he deserves and is entitled to behave as he does. The male adopts a particular role and expects the female to take on certain responsibilities and duties which are non-negotiable. The male simply has certain rights which they feel are natural and deserved.
It's a bit of a woolly term but I think it explains why the women on these threads are largely unsuccessful in challenging their disadvantages - their partners feel it is the natural order. They are the breadwinners, the women must make do with their lesser allowance and this it the natural order of how their household is ran.0 -
Do you receive maintenance for your first child and do you get the child benefit to spend on the children?0
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I think you need to be on the mortgage for the sake of your eldest if nothing else. What happens if you split up and something happens to your OH? The child you have together could theoretically be left the whole house only for your first child to be left with nothing even though you subsidised your OH for him to be able to buy said house.0
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Are you expecting him to pay for some other mans child?
If he doesn't want to, that's fair enough0 -
Can't really add to what has been said, as most posters have said exactly what I would have said: this needs sorting. And soon. You have absolutely no security whatsoever, and you are helping him pay the mortgage on HIS house. You are doing all the housework and childcare and paying all the bills and buying all the food. He has got it made, and as someone said earlier, what's in it for you?
I have to ask (as I don't think anyone else has,) you didn't give up a secure tenancy in social housing did you?!cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:0 -
burlington6 wrote: »Are you expecting him to pay for some other mans child?
If he doesn't want to, that's fair enough
Of course, but the fact is that this guy isn't really paying for himself or the child that is his either. All he is doing is expensively renting them a house, getting a huge asset (the whole house) for himself and presumably getting free washing/cooking done for him too. This guy should at least get 40-45% (to cover himself and his share of the child that is his.) If he paid this, she could afford to pay a proportion of the mortgage for herself and child 1.0 -
burlington6 wrote: »Are you expecting him to pay for some other mans child?
If he doesn't want to, that's fair enough
Not when they have created a family, a home and a life together over several years, it isn't!
His time for opting out was before he started taking her money and giving very little back. She could be a professional housekeeper, doing far less than now, be respected for her skills and contribution and get paid good solid money into the bargain.
In my view, accepting or creating a family and then taking responsibility for only the woman is akin to the concept of "a slight touch of pregnancy". :rotfl:0 -
OP, it seems that you are contributing to the purchase of an asset, (the house which is likely to increase in value), by paying the day to day bills, but have no interest in that asset.
This is fundamentally unfair. As others have said, a fundamental rethink of finances is required. But before you tackle this I think you also could consider the nature of the relationship you have with your partner, and if the problems are only financial.It is a good idea to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
James Douglas0 -
I share a flat with my girlfriend and I pay for Rent, council tax, utilities, sky, phone, TV license. She buys all the food and gives me £60 a week.
That works for us.0
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