Did something im not really proud of........

Big_Bird_4

I'm going to sound really mean here, but this is advice from the heart from someone who's been in a similar situation. If this guy won't come clean about his finances and reform -- I mean take concrete action to control his spending and live within his means -- then I think you should get out while the going is good. Otherwise you'll have to accept that you'll never be financially secure and that any savings you yourself manage to scrape together will be more than outweighed by the debts he runs up. If you marry him they'll become your debts too. If you live together you'll end up subsidising his lifestyle.
Definitely do not accept any solution that involves you using your own money to help him sort out his problems. Put him on probation. And be honest with yourself.

eira

Totally agree with Big Bird. Some people are debt addicts. My ex ran up debts and as far as I know he's doing exactly the same again (only in the US). The only thing that's reining him in is the draconian penalties on US bank accounts for going overdrawn without permission. Despite a wealthy partner , all the money he took from me and a handsome salary he's now on his uppers again.

pandapaws

At least it is promising that he had already admitted to you that he had some CCJs - so he's not pretending that everything is rosy. When you speak to him you might get a pleasant surprise at what he says, but then again you might not - prepare for both the best and the worst.

Make sure you decide in advance what your response would be to all outcomes, as the last thing you want is to end up admitting you went through his stuff if you hadn't planned on doing that - in the heat of an argument (although hopefully it wn't come to that) it is easy to say things you don't mean or didn't plan to reveal!

I partly agree with some of the more harsh comments above, but debt in itself isn't a crime. It is how he deals with it that is important. Perhaps he hasn't wanted to come across as 'poor' to you. Maybe he just hasn't had his LBM yet. If you do move in together, I'm sure you've got enough sense to keep your finances seperate for a while - if he's paying towards your mortgage from his own rental income then you don't have a lot to lose financially, just make sure everything is tied up legally so he wouldn't have a claim over your house if you did split up. Living together would however make it harder in the future to make the emotional split if things went sour.

Let us all know how it goes after you've spoken to him. Hope it all works out for the best for you whatever happens, and remember that this is the guy you love and plan to marry - you have to go with both your head and your heart
xx

Uptomyeyesindebt

"many relationships fall apart due to money issues. he is a spender and u r a saver."

Really doesn't help when you are both spenders either, as we are!!

I do have friends who only got married because she made him sort out his debts first. Mind you, I think they were smaller than in this case. Part of it is changing your whole way of thinking about money and my friend managed it. It's a shame I only realised this recently!! I wouldn't be in this mess now if I had figured this out myself.

AceCobra1

Must be quite a spender to be still in debt if they are earning £50k! I certainly haven't heard of much people earning that amount and in debt? Hope u get the problem sorted out... as madmoney said, honesty is the best policy! good luck

Alias_Omega

Take him out, then get him drunk..

Then he will tell you everything...

Well thats what i usually do..

Tashja

Some good advise above.

I think though you need to keep a discrete eye on his spending for a while. He might be getting himself in deeper if he has consolidated but carries on spending on his cards - you need to know that he has learnt his lesson regarding the debt.

If he carries on spending "extravagantly" then sooner or later he will be in big trouble because he will have 2 mortgages and still have the debt.

If yo notice that he is spending less, wanting to go out less, etc. then he has probably realised that he has a problem and is serious about sorting it.

Hope you get this sorted.

T xx

duchy

It isn't really about money though-it's about trust. The OP feels he's talked about plans for the future without disclosing the full story about renting his house out to pay his mortgage if/when he moves in with her. Maybe he's in denial and hopes he can sort things out-maybe he does have a plan-or maybe he doesn't. Either way he's got every right to be angry that she snooped even if he's also in the wrong for not been honest but two wrongs don#'t make a right.
I don't think the OP has any choice but to tackle him now she knows though and I really hope it all works out

wherediditallgo

Much as I feel for you having found this out, I think you should either carry on as if you know nothing about it, or have casual conversations about how nice it will be to have somewhere together, & ask if he thinks you should both start organising your finances now. See if he says anything to that - if he doesn't, don't push him on it but don't forget it either. You got this information by going through his personal stuff - no matter how much I loved someone, I'd be pretty miffed if I'd only been with them a year & they did that to me. If you tell him you've done that, you risk him saying he doesn't think he can trust you if you can behave that way, at which point your relationship will be at risk.

You don't live together, so you don't share living expenses, which means his current debts don't yet affect you. If and when the time comes that you're looking to get somewhere together, use this knowledge as a reminder to see all of his financial paperwork rather than just the stuff he tells you about. Also, keep an eye on his spending patterns over the coming months, & absolutely avoid signing any joint credit agreements of any kind until you're sure in your own mind that you know all you need to about his financial standing.

Burlesque_Babe

I was going to say something similar to wherediditallgo.

Have a couple of casual conversations, say, about the interest rate and how you are hoping to pay off your own mortgage quickly and that you are hopeful the rate increases don't slow down that plan too much. Ask him his thoughts on his own interest rates and timescales. Or something like that!

My ex is a debt a holic. Although we've split, we've stayed friends and I recently helped him BT a 10k CC debt at 30% APR run up in 3 years to a 0% deal. He could have sorted it in 2 or 3 years if he was focused.

He has already withdrawn £100 cash on one of the cards, which means he will have to pay interest on that. Can't see him ever fully learning.