Did something im not really proud of........

BARGAINHUNTER!

I recently did something im not really proud of and now I don't know what to do!

Whilst my boyfriend was out I sat and looked through all his paperwork. It appears that he has recently remortgaged his house and he has not told me. We don't live together. He remortgaged for £70k and the reason given on the form was 'debt consolidation and home improvements'. It must have been one hell of a debt as the balance of his re-mortgage has been added to his bank account - 7k. That means £63k was used to consolidate his debts. So he now makes two mortgage payments each month, one for about £600 and one for £800. Now I don't know what to do. I feel really guilty for snooping, but I felt that something was not right and now I wish that I hadn't looked. I am really careful with my money and watch every penny, whereas he is quite extravagent. I really want to help him, but I don't know how to broach the subject with him without letting him know that I am snooping. I own my own house too, and the plan was for him to eventually move into mine. But he has now committed himself to an additional 25 year mortgage term and has two mortgages! Im aming to pay my mortgage off on my house as quickly as possible so that I am mortgage free but now with this new info I am really stating to look at the future. He earns about £50k a year. I wish I could turn back time and not look but something told me something wasn't right so I snooped and my worst fears were realised. What do I do with this info? Forget about it or admit what I have done and ask for an explanation? We have been going out for about a year and I really thought I had a future with him.

madmoney_2

its a tricky one....on one hand u shud confront him but on the other u shouldnt have snooped lol, but honesty is the best policy in my opinion, just try not to chastise him too much about it, emphasise on the fact he didnt tell you rather than hes in debt, good luck with whatever you decide xxxx

tallyhoh

I really feel for you- I wish I could turn back the clock 22 years to when I first found out my partner had a problem (same methods as yours).

What you now have to find out is whether it is a "debt" problem or something worse.

I tried to help my OH over the years but discovered that conventional methods of dealing with debt meant nothing to him. He needs the sort of help that I cannot give him.

Do you know if he has a past history of debt or could it be that he has just got out of his normal depth.

You really need to sort this out and now. If he realises there is a problem and tries to seek help there may be hope for you.

If he believes its not a problem - then I would advise you to run and fast.

I wish you luck.

BARGAINHUNTER!

madmoney wrote: »

its a tricky one....on one hand u shud confront him but on the other u shouldnt have snooped lol, but honesty is the best policy in my opinion, just try not to chastise him too much about it, emphasise on the fact he didnt tell you rather than hes in debt, good luck with whatever you decide xxxx

Ive decided that I am going to bring up the subject of money and see if he divulges the info to me. If he does then I don't think that I will tell him that I knew already and just listen to what he has to say without judging him. If he doesn't then I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and admit that I have seen something and give him the option to explain, again without judging him. Its difficult for me to emphasise though as I have never been in the situation of being in debt myself although money is tight for me.

pandapaws

I wouldn't beat yourself up over going through his personal stuff - just about every one of us has done it, and if you're considering a full-on future with this guy then you're only being sensible. I've 'vetted' every boyfriend I ever had, and I think I always found things out that I hadn't known before. I always kept it to myself, and with the decent ones they would eventually tell all anyway. Happily married now with no secrets, but when we were first moving in together, I had a few sneaky looks through his stuff - you can't be too careful however much you love someone, even if you're just checking for reassurance.

Perhaps he's had the debt for a while, and decided that he wanted to sort it out before you moved in together? If he had just gone to the bank for advice, there's a good chance that they would have recommended the remortgage, because that's what banks do to people in debt (maybe because they get commission for it?).

It is a lot of debt that he has remortgaged if the 63k is correct, but he's on a good salary, and even with the 2nd mortgage payment he's still better off than many.

I know honesty is the best policy and all that stuff, but in real life I don't know if it always works like that. Maybe you could just start a conversation with him about money one day, and see if he owns up? Maybe you could prompt him by talking about selling both houses and buying a place together (even if you don't mean it, but just put it to him as a possibility), and mention how much equity you both have...something like that... which would give him the opportunity to come clean. Maybe you could say something like 'right, my mortgage is xxx, yours is what, 100k or so, so together we could afford xxx?', and if he thinks you didn't know what the figure was before, he might just come straight out with it.

Also, is there the possibility that the debt was justified in some way? Is any of it part of a car loan/career development loan or anything similar? Has he ever done any substantial works to his house? Is there a chance he has helped out family members in the past? Has he been married before? Did he have to borrow money towards the deposit for his house? It's still debt, but maybe it won't be quite so shocking once you know where it came from. In his defence, even if it was just from over-spending, if he comes out and admits that then so long as he knows it was wrong and he's careful now then hopefully things will be ok in the future (said by a recovering shopaholic/spendaholic!).

Whatever you do, make sure that you haven't got ANY skeletons in your closet that he doesn't know about before you go any further, that way you can at least know that you'll never have to worry about him finding anything out about you!

Good luck whatever you decide!

madmoney_2

i agree, good luck and tell him about this site, it may help him to know there are many others like him, keep us posted xxx

BARGAINHUNTER!

tallyhoh wrote: »

I really feel for you- I wish I could turn back the clock 22 years to when I first found out my partner had a problem (same methods as yours).

What you now have to find out is whether it is a "debt" problem or something worse.

I tried to help my OH over the years but discovered that conventional methods of dealing with debt meant nothing to him. He needs the sort of help that I cannot give him.

Do you know if he has a past history of debt or could it be that he has just got out of his normal depth.

You really need to sort this out and now. If he realises there is a problem and tries to seek help there may be hope for you.

If he believes its not a problem - then I would advise you to run and fast.

I wish you luck.

He has had some tough times in the past with getting divorced and being out of work so I think that the majority of this debt has built up from there. On the positive side, at least now he is in a position financially of being able to deal with the debt, and I suppose by consolidating all his debt and paying off just one monthly payment that is better than living hand to mouth. I suppose that I just feel dissapointed that he didn't feel able to tell me and let me help, as what he has done has impacted on our future together. He has now committed himself to what is effectively another 25 year loan. If he had spoken to me about what he was planning to do and why I might have been able to suggest some things that could have helped him. I think what he has done is taken the quick easy solution in remortgaging his house to pay off his debts, but what gets me is the extra 7k that he has left over from this which is just sat in his bank account. Maybe things will become clearer when I speak to him. What makes it worse is that he has a bad credit history, so im sure he would have had to go to a specialist to get the mortgage which would have cost him more. The plan was for him to eventually move in with me, renting his house out to pay his mortgage with some left over. Then when the mortgage was paid the rental income would be a second income, with the value of the house being like a second investment. Now renting his house out will not cover both of his mortgage payments. I dread to think what will happen if/when mortgage rates increase. Selling his house and paying off both mortgages would leave him with nothing left over, so if he moves in with me having sold his house he will have no equity behind him to fall back on.

BARGAINHUNTER!

pandapaws wrote: »

I wouldn't beat yourself up over going through his personal stuff - just about every one of us has done it, and if you're considering a full-on future with this guy then you're only being sensible. I've 'vetted' every boyfriend I ever had, and I think I always found things out that I hadn't known before. I always kept it to myself, and with the decent ones they would eventually tell all anyway. Happily married now with no secrets, but when we were first moving in together, I had a few sneaky looks through his stuff - you can't be too careful however much you love someone, even if you're just checking for reassurance.

Perhaps he's had the debt for a while, and decided that he wanted to sort it out before you moved in together? If he had just gone to the bank for advice, there's a good chance that they would have recommended the remortgage, because that's what banks do to people in debt (maybe because they get commission for it?).

It is a lot of debt that he has remortgaged if the 63k is correct, but he's on a good salary, and even with the 2nd mortgage payment he's still better off than many.

I know honesty is the best policy and all that stuff, but in real life I don't know if it always works like that. Maybe you could just start a conversation with him about money one day, and see if he owns up? Maybe you could prompt him by talking about selling both houses and buying a place together (even if you don't mean it, but just put it to him as a possibility), and mention how much equity you both have...something like that... which would give him the opportunity to come clean. Maybe you could say something like 'right, my mortgage is xxx, yours is what, 100k or so, so together we could afford xxx?', and if he thinks you didn't know what the figure was before, he might just come straight out with it.

Also, is there the possibility that the debt was justified in some way? Is any of it part of a car loan/career development loan or anything similar? Has he ever done any substantial works to his house? Is there a chance he has helped out family members in the past? Has he been married before? Did he have to borrow money towards the deposit for his house? It's still debt, but maybe it won't be quite so shocking once you know where it came from. In his defence, even if it was just from over-spending, if he comes out and admits that then so long as he knows it was wrong and he's careful now then hopefully things will be ok in the future (said by a recovering shopaholic/spendaholic!).

Whatever you do, make sure that you haven't got ANY skeletons in your closet that he doesn't know about before you go any further, that way you can at least know that you'll never have to worry about him finding anything out about you!

Good luck whatever you decide!

What prompted me to look was some comments that he made regarding his past and how he used to have no money. He used to have quite a good job, but got made redundant and then got divorced. I knew that he had car loans in the past and when I was sorting out the mortgage on my house I mentioned to him that I was looking at The ONE account offset (went with IF offset in the end) and I know that he applied for an offset too and was turned down, which I was very surprised about as I knew he earn't a decent wack. I suggested he get hold of a copy of his credit report which he did and he told me there were a few CCJs in there. Thats what prompted me to look really. I don't think that the money has gone on high living, just general day to day liveg, car loan, getting divorced, other loans etc. I suppose it surprising how quickly it all mounts up!

I think your suggestion about broaching the subject is spot on - i'll start a general conversation about how nice it would be to have our own place that we have chosen together, and mention the outstanding mortgages on the properties and any equity and see what he says.

You are also right about the snooping - I like to know what I am getting myself into, but I do love him. I suppose im just disapointed that he didn't feel that he could tell me about what he was doing. the first repayment on his second mortgage was only last month.

Spirit_2

This is a horrible position to be in, poor you, but you can't turn the clock back. My advice is in case he takes it badly that you looked through his things - you have pried into his affairs and found out things you would rather not know. If he is annoyed about your means of finding things out you need to be prepared to put your hands up to it being less than honorable.
- However it is as well that you do know that you go into any future together with your eyes open. If you have a loving and united relationship with him you are going to be linked financially and you may find yourself servicing some of his debt or alternatively realising that the lifestyle you thought you would have together he cannot really afford.

Good luck

HairyHandofDartmoor

I think it is better that you know the truth before it's too late. As to whether you should admit snooping, well I don't know him so I don't know how he would react to that. It might be better, as suggested, to just start a money conversation, ask a few probing questions and see if he will tell you.

Your relationship would be healthier if he feels he can tell you everything. I am slightly concerned that you say he is extravagant. This would worry me if I were you, as this could cause conflict in the future.

See if he will talk to you openly about money, and whether he is open to a less extravagant lifestyle. If he doesn't want to talk about his remortgage, or is not open to your money saving message then I think you should think carefully about whether this will cause a problem in your future relationship.

I think you were right to look. You need to know what you are getting into.

vellum

many relationships fall apart due to money issues. he is a spender and u r a saver. will love cope when debt and outstanding bills keep rolling in? it isn't that bad as he has good income, just fingers cross there won't be any redundancy in next 25 years.

it may not be right snooping around, but u need to have a total clear picture of his financial position before committing yrself further.

may not be a good idea to let him know u went thro his personal stuffs, nobody like that, always end up with big rows. honesty is good, but wisdom is better. the wisdom in communication is wisely choose what to say and what not to say, in order to maintain social harmony or to do a small evil (not telling him) in order to achieve a bigger good (keep his trust), if it makes sense.