Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

It came! My £10 Pp payment from SB is finally here... Well, there, I suppose would be more accurate It will be going straight into the EF.

I've posted on my blog (3 weeks in a row!) but other writing is at a standstill. Just wish I had more energy — staying up to watch Konta and Murray at the Australian Open probably isn't mybest idea in this regard, but I think the energy involved is more mental than physical and sleep makes relatively little difference. I have started to make a list of ways I could grow my business roght now, without waiting for my anxiety to improve or pressuring myself to do things which are too difficult because of my anxiety. A couple of things stand out: finishing my decluttering guide and adding a blog to the guides site. Just need to rev up my energy and motivation to get those done...

crazy_cat_lady

Yay! :j:j:j So pleased that the £10 has arrived ABA.
Sounds like you're making progress - one step at a time.

catriona79

Hey there ABA

Your emergency fund is pretty large now, I'll bet you're chuffed with that. Acting with purpose, that's what will get us those nasty debts paid!!!

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys Strangely, I got a £5 pp payment from SB today, just a few days after ordering! Going to wait until I get my esa on Monday before I allocate it somewhere. I think I'm going to put enough in my isa so it's over £500 and then prioritise my rainy day fund for a while, until I've got at least £200 in there.

Today has been great. Had counselling this morning and the mile+ walk each way gave me some extra exercise. I then went to my bff's for lunch and playtime with her 2yr old. We also had grown up chat when B was supposed to be napping (but spent more time singing and counting to herself...) This evening, I'm chilling in front of the tv with my dog and planning to watch Konta's match at midnight, before going to bed and getting up early to catch the end of Murray's match. Sometimes it's hard to be a tennis fan!

AspiringButAnxious

ESA day
• Paid an extra £9 off the loan, so I now owe an even £13,000
• Put £45 in EF, bringing it over £500
• Put £55 in Rainy Day Fund, which is now £90

Also got a £10 Amazon voucher, which I must save towards my mum's birthday present. Tricky when there's a few books I really want, but I must stay strong!

misstara

Fab stuff ABA - your emergency fund is looking great

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks Tara Hopefully my Rainy Day Fund will be looking just as great before long!

Received £5 from PCR yesterday and should be able to claim another £5 from PA once a pending 60p is approved. I think both payments will be allocated to my Rainy Day Fund.

Felt a bit dejected yesterday, so didn't get anything done. I then watched the tennis, so dozed for a few hours, woke up and watched Konta and Murray matches, then slept for 3 hours. I'm forcing myself not to nap this afternoon, because I plan to go to bed and wake up (very) early to watch Konta's semifinal. Needless to say, not much is being done today because I feel like a zombie! At least it's the worst time difference of the tennis year and will be over soon

This week has been a bit meh, but I did finally start rewriting my novel — the first 2 chapters are looking better and I should at least be able to make notes on another few chapters. Can't help feeling I'm not progressing quickly enough — though my counsellor pointed out that since I'm recovering from a really bad episode of depression, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I just feel frustrated that I feel so lethargic and unmotivated.

AspiringButAnxious

I received £4.92 (after fees) from PA today

I also managed to spend £13.48, plus £10 of Amazon vouchers, yesterday... In my defence, this included a birthday and a mother's day present for my mum. It also included a cookbook I really, really wanted!

Part of me thinks I should have resisted, but one of the items (a Wii game) had dropped from £15 to just over £10 and I didn't want to miss out on the price reduction. It's almost covered by recent PP payments from doing surveys, so that's not an issue, though perhaps the PP payments ought to have gone into my savis instead.

I suppose I should be easier on myself — it was an unplanned spend, but not an overspend. I have the money and will enjoy the cookbook. Plus I don't have to stress about getting presents for anyone until a friend's birthday in May — plenty of time to prepare!

Meanwhile, I have 4 months to get off esa before I have to give up permitted work. I need to save as much as I comfortably can before then, aiming for at least £500 in my rainy day fund and preferably another £500 in my ef. I also need to put myself "out there" and start getting a regular income — even if it doesn't cover all my expenses, it could keep me afloat for several months.

Trouble is, my confidence has taken a knock since the bad episode of anxiety and depression I have just been through. I have to write an article for a nonprofit over the weekend, which is unpaid but will hopefully get me back into the swing of things. I feel nervous, even though I have written similar stuff before.

I'm scared of putting myself forward, submitting work, self-promotion, etc., but I'm also scared of staying stuck where I am.

mothernerd

Try to think of this weekend's project as one small step that you can do. I understand what you mean about all the putting yourself forward stuff, everything feels rather personal.

I chose to become self-employed at a time when it was the way I could see to go forward and it meant I could cope with the depression following my brother's death (+ a number of other issues). I could work on good days and hide under the bedclothes on the bad.

My business isn't great at the moment mainly because I have been recovering from a total hip replacement. I need to do a total relaunch of my business so that I can sell via the internet but there are lots of skills I need to develop.

Unfortunately I am also the 'sensible one' in my family (I've been being sensible since I was two years old) and other people's problems keep taking precedence over my own needs. I know I need to develop stronger boundaries.

I've spent the last week moving my mother into the new bungalow she needs. For the past 17 years she and her partner have been living in his house (aka 'the hovel'). He has Alzheimers and a number of other problems and has completely missed the move as he collapsed on the bathroom floor and has spent the time in hospital, being initially given emergency treatment (he died and was resucitated) and then being fitted with a pacemaker and recovering from a water infection (because he kept trying to pull medical equipment out of himself).

The timing of the move was not of my choosing and was a lot more chaotic than I am comfortable with. Mum is very frail and I have exhausted myself trying to safeguard the things she was bothered about. One of her partner's children put random stuff in boxes (it needed sorting as they need to 'lose' at least three rooms full of 'stuff') taking it to the bungalow and shoving it in.

I spent most of Tuesday evening and from 4am until 1pm on Wednesday trying to sort out the mess as mum's partner was coming out of the hospital, then spent 3 hours at the old house in the evening.

Yesterday morning I could barely walk and feel sick and dizzy so I know I've gone past my physical limits and need to rest but I am still fretting about all the things that 'need' to be done. In addition mum's partner's family (5 children, 8 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren) are all very noisy and I get stressed out just being around them for any length of time.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks mothernerd Turns out I managed to write the article and email it — after a couple of hours troubleshooting to sort out the computer...

Here are the highlights of my past few days:

• The lady was pleased with the article, which is great.
• I have filled in a grant application for the course I want to do.
• I have made rewriting notes on the next 3 chapters of my novel.
• My friend and her little girl came over on Saturday, which was good fun.
• I made sweet potato brownies (Deliciously Ella recipe) and they turned out really well — not quite as good as my go-to brownie recipe, but a lot healthier and tasty enough!

Goals forthis week:
• Submit 2 stories somwhere. They have been hanging around for a while...
• Type up changes to next 3 chapters of my novel.
• Post on blog.

I have also signed up for People Per Hour, but haven't done anything on it yet. Hoping it will prove fruitful — Upwork hasn't been, but I will keep faith!