Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

catriona79

ABA,

Happy new year lovely!

And congrats on the volunteering assignment, that's definitely a way to build confidence. Rome wasn't build in a day, and if you do that a few times, your confidence will grow and you will be so much more ready for a paying gig!

I too am trying to slim down, all my family said at Xmas that I'd put weight on, they hadn't seen me in 2 years and also I'm the biggest I've ever been, need to lose 1.5 stone to return to my normal weight, so that's a job on my hands.

Like you I've had a bug and that's helped with the not eating!! Ha ha! Are you feeling better now?

What are you readin at the moment? I read a piece on Remains of the day in the Guardian and really want to read it. Its such an INFP book, too. I've seen the film of course, have you?

And well done on restarting the blog!!

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks catriona and happy new year! I'm feeling a lot better — just a lingering runny nose, dodgy throat (though that's always dodgy...) and a chest which whistles when I'm walking in cold wind. Just soooooo glad I can think more clearly

I've neither read Remains of the Day nor seen the film... I may well own it though — I have a few by the author, but can't remember which ones. Oops! I'm currently reading The Gallows Curse by Karen Maitland. It's really good so far and I enjoyed another book by the author, Company of Liars. I was supposed to be reading the books I'm planning to get rid of, but that's not happening...

AspiringButAnxious

Been to counselling and WL today. Counselling was good; WL not too bad. I don't have to go to WL for another month, which is a relief. Plus my mum said I could keep most of the travel expense money, so I used it to pay her back for dog food and a few cards I bought today (which is all I need to get until May). Pretty exhausted — having to go to appointments stresses me out and anxiety is incredibly tiring.

Haven't been eating as healthily as I could have over the last couple of days, but have been sticking to my intermittent fasting. Eating only between 12pm and 8pm stops me stressing about food all day and limits the amount I can eat, since I can't graze all day or stuff myself silly more than once per day. I'm aiming not to buy any junk food this month, since I want to limit my spending to a few pounds on Tesco Value cola. However, I have many chocolates and sweets from Xmas, so there is still potentisl for me to eat junk without buying it this month!

Plan for the weekend is to finally get around to dying my hair tomorrow, work on rewriting my novel and enjoy an afternoon at my bff's house

workingirl

Hello!

I have just read your entire diary and I really admire your attitude and how far you've come. The change of tone in this diary from when you started to now is incredible. Despite the rough patches, you seem like a very strong person and I'm really rooting for you!

I have been browsing a lot of diaries recently and the reason why your diary caught my eye is because we have a few things in common. I'm also an aspiring writer (thanks for introducing me to UpWorks - it was exactly the very thing I was looking for), struggling with debt and living with my parents. I have also been battling privately with - can I say depression, if it's not been diagnosed? The cause of this is due to my job and it's been going on for over six months now. I'm too scared to go to the doctor. I feel like I'm walking through mud sometimes. Reading your diary has really helped me and I feel more positive about my goals and debt.

I think you're doing amazingly. At least you're writing! I can't bring myself to write after spending the entire day, staring at a computer screen at work and I really hate it. Hopefully, that'll change soon. I'm also trying to work on an unfinished manuscript so that I can finally publish it on Amazon. It's very slow going as work is sapping my emotional and mental energy.

Wishing you the best x

mummytogirls

Evening AA,

Just caught up with your last couple of days. You are sounding very positive, well done on the volunteering. I do believe volunteering can lead on to other things if thats what you're wanting to do.

Well done on your 4lb loss thats great, keep going! xx

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks both of you

Workinggirl — we do have a lot in common! I definitely recommend seeing your doctor about depression; for one thing, depression can be a symptom of other illnesses. If there is no underlying medical cause, having the support of a GP makes a lot of difference. There are different courses of action you could take if you have an aversion to taking antidepressants or talking therapies — though I highly recommend both and would no be here without them — and simply having a professional monitor your mental health can help you. I have taken my mum to most appointments, which makes it less scary and means she understands more of what's going on in my head.

Other things that have helped me, which you can do without seeing a doctor:
• exercise (much easier said than done, but worth the effort)
• mindfulness meditation (I recommend Wherever You Go, There You Are bu Jon Kabat-Zinn)
• an SAD lamp (look out for deals on Amazon — mine was £30 reduced from £60, I believe)
• texting friends
• being around animals and/or nature
• forcing myself to do things I enjoy, like baking, drawing and watching films
• reading self-help books (I'm a bit of a junkie!)

I went to a friend's house for lunch yesterday and had lots of fun. We walked to the park anc I went on the swing! After asking my friend if she thought it would hold my weight Also received a Xmas present from another friend — vegan chocolate truffles and a £10 Amazon card. The Amazon card has been spent... Well, except around £1.50. I managed to get 5/6 ebooks with it, all but one at a knockdown price. Perhaps it would have been more sensible to save it, but it was a present and I love reading!

After facing my fear and driving to my friend's house yesterday, I faced more fear and walked my dog on my own today It also got me some exercise, which is doubly good

I want to rev up a little this week — I don't want to hit the ground running with my goals and then end up quitting, but I do need to gather a little pace. I suppose getting more exercise should be my main goal of the week, since I have already started and it makes such a difference to my mental health. I also want to work on the novel more and make myself do enjoyable and/or productive activities instead of zoning out in front of the tv.

Money-wise, my only activity has been cancelling my £250 overdraft yesterday. I hadn't used it for at least a couple of years, so it won't make any practical difference, but it's weird not having it there as a buffer. It's all part of transforming my attitude to my finances

dimestorediamond

Hiya AbA. You sound like things are coming up a little better at the moment - great! I think it's pretty brave to cancel the OD - but you're right, you don't need it, after all!

What kind of books do you like to read? I'm usually an avid reader but my own MH makes it hard for me to get started, which I know sounds weird, lol. Once I work up the energy to pick up a book, there's no stopping me! My NY resolution is to push myself to start books (and TV/film, I find getting started on all this stuff hard) because its so good for me when I do read.

I wanted to ask a question about you SAD lamp. Do you use it in the morning? Or at a desk? I'm thinking on investing as I have so much lethargy at the moment. But I don't have a bedside cabinet to put it on for it to be at my bed level. But I do have a desk.

AspiringButAnxious

Hi dimestorediamond I use my SAD lamp after I get up, when I'm watching tv or doing stuff online. I plonk it on the fireplace in front of me — the booklet says that the further away you place it, the longer the time duration you should use it for. I worked it out when I first got the lamp, but now just do what works for me. If I'm too busy to use it after I wake up, or if I forget, I just use it later on in the day.

I read a range of books, both fiction and nonfiction. I particularly like psychological thrillers, supernatural horror and "literary" novels. I also love short stories

AspiringButAnxious

Been a bit meh these past few days. I think it's because it's been a quiet week and I feel like I'm not making any progress. I have my period, so losing weight is unlikely this week because I tend to bloat like mad. I haven't gained any, so hope I'm losing fat and will make up for it next week. When you're as fat as I am, you rely on the numbers to motivate you because nobody notices any difference until you have lost a lot of weight. I want to lose an average of 10lbs a month to hit my goal of 120lbs this year, but this won't be evenly distributed — I will probably lose more in the first few months, then lose less per month as I get closer to my target weight.

This should ensure I prioritise health over trying to lose weight; restrictive diets don't work and while I would love to look great, gaining a healthy lifestyle is my main driving force. My dad has type 2 diabetes and has had a heart attack and there is a history of heart problems and cancer on both sides of my family, so I know that being obese is putting myself at a high risk of having those problems. I already have enough problems and have lost enough years of my life to mental illness — I don't want to lose more to physical conditions or diseases.

I spent £6.95 at Tesco yesterday — £3 on a Sophie Hannah book which costs more on Kindle and the rest on Vegan Life magazine, which I have read once before and really liked. It helps me feel better informed and less isolated. I didn't intend to spend so much, but I'm glad I didn't buy any food or drink. I decided earlier this week that I have given up drinking fizzy drinks. I might have them occasionally, but I can't afford to drink them regularly — money-wise or health-wise.

Yesterday, I cashed in 99 of my premium bonds online. Not sure how long it will take for them to be paid into my bank account, but I will add them to the EF when I receive the payment.

I also found out that one of my bffs is moving closer to me Not really close — over 35min away — but she is currently about an hour away (on a good traffic day). Hopefully we can spend more time together now.

I have been on my exercise bike today (and on Tuesday), which should help my mental and physical health. I meant to go out with the dog again yesterday, but felt too subdued and a bit tired.

Got loads of YS veg yesterday — made kale chips today and plan to do a soup and/or stew with the bulk of it. Got loads of kale, carrots, 2 red cabbages, apples, bananas, celery hearts... Might make a carrot cake — I've done one without sugar before, which worked really well, using apple and raisins plus a little stevia to provide the sweetness.

I feel like I've done so little this week — the novel is untouched and I haven't done anything for my volunteering writing. I'm stuck in limbo and struggling to do anything to help myself get out.

Bobarella

ABA - how do you make kale chips? I am curious