Helping a a friend with benefits find a boyfriend - Good idea?

Brighton_belle

Gavin83 wrote: »

I really think it's unfair to say he's used her. She knew the arrangement and he can't be seen as the bad guy just because it hasn't worked out the way she hoped. I'm assuming she always liked him and hoped that by having sex with him he'd fall for her too. She essentially took a gamble and lost. However he wasn't to know this and I don't see how he can be held to blame. Both adults have their own minds and have to take responsibility for their own actions.

This comment is totally unfair. It's as much her responsibility as his. There's no need to put people down in such an arrangement just because personally you wouldn't do it.

^^^This. Women aren't always poor ickle victims. She made an informed choice. She was not deceived by his intentions: he was honest and upfront with his. She has now discovered she wants more than was agreed, so she need to make another adult decision to protect herself and stop this relationship.

Fireflyaway

I suspect she agreed to the 'terms' of the relationship because she likes you and was hoping for more. If she is crying and clearly wants a relationship but you don't, it doesn't seems fair. Why didn't you just be friends with her and pay for a prostitute if you just wanted sex?

I would suggest that you break it off completely. Once you have been fiends and been intimate I think its going to seriously impact on her or your future relationships. Id hate my husband to be friends with someone he had slept with!

BarryBlue

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think the world has changed if this was the case. It's very easy for most people to separate the love side and the physical aspect. Sex feels nice and it's fun, you don't have to love the other person.

I agree entirely. Sex need have nothing to do with a relationship if you don't want it to, it's just recreation. Relationships are completely different.

I don't think the world has changed that much. There were prudish people then and there still are now. I was around in the 70s and there was plenty on offer if you wanted it. If anything, I would say that casual sex was more normal then than now.

I had what would probably now be called a 'friend with benefits' for about 4 years in the mid 70s. We saw each other a couple of nights a week and I would stay over at her bedsit. We even had a couple of holidays together. I also had a social life at the time which didn't involve her at all and which often involved other women. In addition I worked for a time in an environment where there were lots of casual office relationships. That, to me, was what the 70s were all about, a wonderful time where we worked hard and played hard.

The FWB thing ended when I met my first wife and we drifted apart. I was at the point where I wanted a different life and so we moved on. But I have never regretted making the most of being young, free and single. As others have said, different things work for different people at different stages of their lives. Neither my FWB nor I were ever victims or felt used.

Gigervamp

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a FWB, but the relationship has to be equal.

I had a FWB when I was 18. The only things we had in common was CB radio (which is how we met) and motorbikes. I was a punk and he liked Northern Soul.

We discussed our relationship and he told me he wasn't looking for a proper relationship, but we both liked each others company. Most of the time we just met up for a coffee. He often popped round after he'd finished work for a cuppa and a natter.

It eventually fizzled out when I started seeing another guy.

I knew what I was doing and because I knew the relationship wouldn't go any further, didn't stop myself from dating other men.

However, in the OP's situation, I agree that he needs to cut contact. His friend wants more than he can give and knowing this, if he carries on sleeping with her, he is using her and being cruel to her.

Cubanista

heuchera wrote: »

I've a feeling that's probably not quite what she meant :cool:

It sounds like you are trying to palm her off onto someone else, which suggests that she's getting too 'heavy' and is now becoming a burden to you.

not at all. i don't think she's a burden, it was just a bit awkward for me because i have never had a woman become visibly upset and emotional in front of me like this, so i didn't know how to react.


i understand she most likely does want more from me, but she also knows that i cannot promise her 100% commitment to her in regards to time spent together, otherwise i would reconsider the situation.


i want the best for both of us, but i don't want her to be upset and heartbroken. i really am torn at the moment because i am sort of 60/40 in favour of going separate ways and staying friends (platonic), but i also feel she is a really great person and don't want to regret not taking things further with her.


at the end of the day, you never know when the right person will come along again, and we really do (without the inclusion of sex) have a great relationship and chemistry.

bluebell13

Cubanista wrote: »

not at all. i don't think she's a burden, it was just a bit awkward for me because i have never had a woman become visibly upset and emotional in front of me like this, so i didn't know how to react.


i understand she most likely does want more from me, but she also knows that i cannot promise her 100% commitment to her in regards to time spent together, otherwise i would reconsider the situation.


i want the best for both of us, but i don't want her to be upset and heartbroken. i really am torn at the moment because i am sort of 60/40 in favour of going separate ways and staying friends (platonic), but i also feel she is a really great person and don't want to regret not taking things further with her.


at the end of the day, you never know when the right person will come along again, and we really do (without the inclusion of sex) have a great relationship and chemistry.

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say you can remain friends so long as you both know where you stand. I had a similar sort of situation, got close to one of my friends, neither of us wanted a relationship so we slept together a few times in a FWB format. It didn't work for either of us. He couldn't handle the fact that we worked together and I wasn't keen on sex without a relationship so we stopped. Things were a bit awkward for a while but that's 4 years ago now and we have supported each other through some tough times. I really do count him as a friend and interestingly we have never discussed it until a couple of weeks ago when we had a heart to heart about something completely unrelated! We know things about it each other that no one else knows and talk a lot but that's as far as it has ever gone since.

Personally I think cutting things off altogether is a bit harsh. You really need to talk things through and see what you both want, but trying to find someone else for her is a real no no!

pinkandblueshoe

Kingslayer. Don't know why no one has noticed until now. The same pie in the sky nonsense postings.

Don't believe a word of any of it.