Helping a a friend with benefits find a boyfriend - Good idea?

Cubanista

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Sadly, I think that this girl is going to have her heart broken.

I was a "friend offering the benefits" to a guy I fell for in a major way. Obviously he wanted the benefits but only on the informal "arrangement". Because he wasn't clear with me, I was strung along for a few years and devastated at ultimately having no option but to sever all contact with him. Awful.

If you "adore" her, why aren't you at least prepared to offer her the choice of accepting you despite your not being able to commit as much time as you feel you ought?

I think you need to have a sensible discussion about this together - and in a coffee shop or a pub, so you don't end up in bed. Good luck.

I would do this, but i fear she'll just say yes for the sake of saying it without thinking properly. honestly, i have no idea how she will react really, but if she does say yes for the sake of it, then when i am not able to commit on occasions i don't want her getting upset then we are back to square one again.


it isn't like i have strung her along as i was very open and honest with her on what i wanted and she was fine with it, but then the other day when she started crying in front of me was a bit of shock to me and i didn't know how to react or what to really say to her.


this is why i am honest, because i don't want anything to come back and bite me, or for people to end up emotional. even being honest doesn't seem to have worked!

KiKi

I think you've been absolutely fair - you were honest about what you wanted. It's not your fault she wants something different.

However, if this is because she has feelings for you, then don't try and help her find a man! That's a really bad idea!

I'd just be as upfront as you have been until now. Say that sleeping together isn't a good idea if she wants a relationship, so you're not prepared to do that anymore, but ask her if she wants to stay friends. The ball's in her court then to make that choice.

But definitely don't help her unless she asks you to. It does sound like she probably likes you.

KiKi

Cubanista

Missyhenry wrote: »

If you must introduce her to people (which does seem a bad idea) don't you have any nice single friends?

i would rather she dated a stranger that i don't know. i do have a couple of single friends, but they're not the type of guys i would want for her to date.

gettingtheresometime

So given she's a friend with benefits (never quite understood that phrase - surely being friends with anyone has benefits) what happens when she (eventually) does meet someone?

Will you turn into the green eyed monster and decide she is the one for you after all?

Fluff15

I'd bet my bottom dollar she was crying because she wants a relationship from you, and quite rightly you have been honest with her and said that's not what you want right now.

Honestly this sounds like a terrible idea. I would give her some space and some time to get over you. If you continue to be friends with her, I think she'll always keep some of the feelings for you. Sorry.

Missyhenry

Cubanista wrote: »

i would rather she dated a stranger that i don't know. i do have a couple of single friends, but they're not the type of guys i would want for her to date.

Because you care about her or because you'd be jealous?

Robisere

I am left cold by this idea of "f*** buddies". Perhaps it's my age, but throughout my life, in which I had more than one relationship before meeting my dear, loving wife, I have always Made Love as opposed to just Having Sex. I never once had sexual relations with anyone I did not feel love for. I do not understand the way that people nowadays just have sex without meaning. For me sex without love is meaningless, the two should not be separated. I actually feel great pity for anyone who does not realise that.

I am probably going to be criticised here for that, but that is how I feel and at 70 I am not going to change. And no, I am NOT 'past it'; we still make love occasionally and we are still in love.

RuthnJasper

Cubanista wrote: »

I would do this, but i fear she'll just say yes for the sake of saying it without thinking properly. honestly, i have no idea how she will react really, but if she does say yes for the sake of it, then when i am not able to commit on occasions i don't want her getting upset then we are back to square one again.


it isn't like i have strung her along as i was very open and honest with her on what i wanted and she was fine with it, but then the other day when she started crying in front of me was a bit of shock to me and i didn't know how to react or what to really say to her.


this is why i am honest, because i don't want anything to come back and bite me, or for people to end up emotional. even being honest doesn't seem to have worked!

Well, at least you are having the decency to think about this situation with the right spirit. I think the girl is still going to be hurt - and unlikely to take up with a new man if it's you that she wants. Not altogether fair on any prospective new chap either.

Unfortunately, if you're not wanting a proper relationship with her, it might be best to break off all contact. You can introduce her to as many men as possible, but you can't make her fall in love with someone.

FBaby

So imagine she's fallen in love with you even if it wasn't her intention, how do you think it will make her feel when you tell her you'll find her the perfect boyfriend? Have you ever fallen in love? If so try to put yourself in her shoes and think what it would be like.

krlyr

Robisere wrote: »

For me sex without love is meaningless, the two should not be separated.

Exactly, for you. For many others (who are mutually consenting adults), it's not. If you don't like it, don't read posts that highly indicate they're about "friends with benefits"