Debt free before 35

crazy_cat_lady

Happy NY Mrs Save - loving the goals for next year xxx

MrsSave

Today I have:
*Picked up the bits from Wilkinsons I wanted,
*Reconciled YNAB,
*Christmas decorations have gone back up the attic,
*I have meal planned for the next week (healthy, good food),
*Eaten from stores.

I have one more day off before heading back to the madness that is work! I have decided to save a few pennies by attempting to eat well at home instead of joining [STRIKE]another[/STRIKE] a slimming club. I'm not going to follow any gimmicky things, just to eat well. My food shop is all ordered, ready to be delivered on Tuesday. It is full of yummy, colourful, fresh food.

Saturday night TV is completely useless tonight! I've just popped on the new series of Take me Out. Missed most of it though!!!

MrsSave

Isn't it funny how we go through life putting a front on in front of people. Pretending to be what we're not. I've even done it here, where no one knows me. I love my ds to bits, he is my life. Me and dh have been arguing and just so distant from each other for quite a while now (probably around 2 years). Our sex life never came back after having ds (but I bury my head in the sand and wish for a second child). Dh has completely changed from the person I met all those years ago. He used to love life, be energetic, fun, have hobbies and friends, socialise with people, like nice clothes, etc. Now, he is none of the above. He goes to work and comes home. He never meets with friends, most of them he hardly speaks with anymore for more reason other than has just lost contact.

He used to have hobbies and never sit still. I fell in love with that person. Unfortunately, he has gone. I care very much about him, and he is a brilliant father to our son. As a parent, I couldn't ask for better. I don't think I'm 'in love' with him anymore. We have had this conversation a few times, and every time he says things will change. They never do. I'm not saying I'm perfect at all, I'm sure there are many things about me that he finds annoying. I just don't know what to do next.

My heart and head say 2 different things. We get on most of the time (we do argue from time to time, but do get along). We generally sleep in separate rooms. Looking in, most people think we're happy.

Why am I posting this here? I don't know to be honest. I suppose it's my way of talking without anyone who we know hearing!

We've had a Discussion today, no different to any other really except that he got upset. I think he understands that I'm seriously unhappy. He has asked for another few weeks. It's so difficult, though. There are lots of things I've started to unlike about him. His personal hygiene is questionable, he takes no pride in his appearance (I know I sound shallow, but surely a shower, brushing teeth and wearing fresh clothes aren't too much to ask).

Knowing myself, this post will stay, but life will also stay as it is. Putting a front on, plaster a smile and be the perfect little (debt-free if you spoke with anyone else) family.

MrsSave

I feel so mean writing that, but I'm stopping myself from deleting it. They're my feelings and I'm hoping that I can look back one day with a smile and say "we got through it". I'm not convinced we will, but all I can do is try my hardest. I'm pretty sure the man I fell in love with is there somewhere, but it seems that he's got lost in life. I really don't know what's best, but I do want to be able to say to my ds that me and his dad tried our hardest.

It's strange, now I've got it all out, I want to just hide from it all again and go back to the life where from the outside we look happy. I don't let people see the 'real' me often, I'm usually the one that can deal with everything thrown at me, not stress and just get on with it.

I've already been in bed half an hour (it's not even 10 yet, you can tell I'm back in work tomorrow!!). The next few weeks are going to be tough work wise. Roll on the end of January!

Financially the rest of the month looks like this:
Food: £142.35
Petrol: £119.90
Other spends: £64.58

It's not actually much to last the month, but we're on a takeaway ban so no money spending there. None of us need to go clothes shopping. Ds's swimming has been paid. Money has been put aside for all bills, as well as car tax which is due on Tuesday. No buying alcohol (still have some in the house, but waist line needs looking at anyway!!). No Friday ordering food in (will make something a little nicer to take in). Cooking from scratch.

We had a chicken dinner today, and the carcass is currently in the slow cooker with some onions, carrots, water and herbs turning into a nice stock. Planning on making some soup with this and some of the leftover chicken (I make soup from time to time, but have never made chicken). The rest of the chicken will be for dinner tomorrow night with sweet potatoes and veg.

My food shop for this week has been ordered and is due to be delivered Tuesday night. Will still make a couple of tweaks to it, but aiming for under £45.

Right, sleep before the chaos of work and family life all start again.

AspiringButAnxious

It sounds like your dh might have depression. Lapses in personal hygiene, lack of interest in activities he used to enjoy and withdrawing from friends are all classic symptoms. Depression doesn't necessarily manifest as feeling "sad" — often it's about feeling numb, empty, frustrated, unmotivated, dissatisfied, etc.

I think a chat with his gp — preferably with both of you present — is essential. If he says there's nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need to see the doctor, point out that there's no harm in booking an appointment anyway, just to see if there is a medical cause for the change in him. Of course, depression can be a symptom of some physical conditions, as well as a mental illness in itself.

Good luck — it can be difficult getting help if someone doesn't recognise that they are ill, but try to stay unemotional and address the facts when you discuss it. All of the symptoms you described are observable and more tangible than many symptoms of mental illness, so that might "prove" to him that there is cause for concern. It might be a good idea to do some basic research to back up what you want to say; Mind, Depression Alliance and the NHS website are all excellent sources of information. You never know, he might have been waiting for someone to help but too afraid to ask — I know I was.

MrsSave

AspiringButAnxious wrote: »

It sounds like your dh might have depression. Lapses in personal hygiene, lack of interest in activities he used to enjoy and withdrawing from friends are all classic symptoms. Depression doesn't necessarily manifest as feeling "sad" — often it's about feeling numb, empty, frustrated, unmotivated, dissatisfied, etc.

I think a chat with his gp — preferably with both of you present — is essential. If he says there's nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need to see the doctor, point out that there's no harm in booking an appointment anyway, just to see if there is a medical cause for the change in him. Of course, depression can be a symptom of some physical conditions, as well as a mental illness in itself.

Good luck — it can be difficult getting help if someone doesn't recognise that they are ill, but try to stay unemotional and address the facts when you discuss it. All of the symptoms you described are observable and more tangible than many symptoms of mental illness, so that might "prove" to him that there is cause for concern. It might be a good idea to do some basic research to back up what you want to say; Mind, Depression Alliance and the NHS website are all excellent sources of information. You never know, he might have been waiting for someone to help but too afraid to ask — I know I was.

Thank you. I'll be honest and say that this has crossed my mind. Since talking yesterday, though, he has booked a duathlon, decided he's going to the pub Thursday night and has ordered some new clothes! He says that he feels that now he has a family he should be at home and not out 'enjoying'. I'm going to hang off the doctor at the moment, and see how the next fortnight go. Whether these changes are short term, or whether it re-ignites something in him and the man I met starts to reappear. I know that at the minute, if I mention doctor, he'll run a mile in the opposite direction whilst throwing a load of reasons for his current behaviour at me.

Thank you so much for replying.

crazy_cat_lady

I think he's ill as well - agree with ABA. You are practically describing my dh when you talk about yours. It's a shame he's not a bit more receptive to getting himself some help from the doctor...

MrsSave

After a hectic day in work, I got home to find my ds ready to greet me at the door and dinner being served by dh. After food he then went out for a run. It's like nothing was said at all yesterday, but he is behaving like the person I knew a few years ago. I just wonder whether he will enjoy these hobbies and realise that it's good for him to do them and that he is allowed even though he has a child, or whether he will revert back to his old ways after a few weeks. He is trying at the moment, which is all I've ever wanted.

I ate perfectly today.........until I finished my dinner. I then had wine, maltesers and some left over crisp/biscuit type things. I entered into my fitness (or something like that) what I'd eaten until the pig out, and if I'd have eaten a small chocolate bar and had a small glass of wine, I'd still have been under my calorie level for the day. D'oh!!! I'm thinking of trying the green and black's miniature chocs. They seem expensive, but there are 12 in a box. A little bit of dark chocolate, a small glass of wine and some fruit will hopefully be the trick to me not eating/drinking like a pig.

Money-wise, today has been good. Other than the normal bills going out, no money has been spent. I've actually received an email from Tesco direct telling me that they're refunding me £4 because they are now out of stock of the Christmas wrapping paper I ordered in the sales. I also received an email from eon showing our gas and elec usage for the last year compared to the year before. Our gas usage is down 12%, but elec is up 2%. Overall I'm very pleased with that, but reading further into it they want to increase my direct debit by £8 a month. We currently have more and more money in our account each month, so surely by increasing the dd, all that will increase is the money in the account, which we will then ask for back?? Going to look a little further into that, and determined to decrease our elec usage now!

MrsSave

It's been a whole month since I was last here.

Things at home have improved. It definitely didn't help that I had an ofsted inspection at work so was more sensitive/stressed than usual. Dh seems a lot happier. We had a few days away as a family, and had a lovely time. Dh has been out running a few times and we've had days out as a family at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to say that everything is fixed and back to normal, but there have been improvements. Speaking with dh he says that in his eyes, since marrying and becoming a father, he felt like he had to put his life on hold because of all this new responsibility he had. I think he now sees that he can be a father, a husband and also a person (if that makes sense?!).

Money-wise. It's pretty much all the same. I spend a little more in one place, but less in another. I budget every month, and it doesn't matter what I budget I tend to spend it plus a little extra. Grrrrrrrr! I've increased our food budget with the thought that we can treat ourselves a little more. It all gets spent! We used to spend £120 a month before ds was born. We managed with that. It then increased with nappies, etc a few times and we are now at £250 a month. The sad thing is, thought that we have already spent most of that this month and have around £70 left. I need to get a better grasp on this.

I have 3 years left before my debt free before 35 goal. It's doable, but tough. I keep thinking about that day, though. How much better off we will be each month. One day.........

MrsSave

I just popped on to my energy supplier website to transfer the reward points, when I saw the 'check for your best deal' or something like that button. I clicked it. There and then I pretty much managed to save us £17 a month. That was too easy!! Should have done that a long time ago!!