Why Won’t You Marry Me ?

Yorkshire-Lady_3

Life is short, but you state that you're not madly in love with her. This, in my book is not a good enough reason to marry.

Sally x

simon-dupree

Thanks for the interesting replies to my situation,I haven't had a unanimous sway of opinion either way which tells me both sides have a point dependent on your viewing angle as it was till 12:30.Somehow replies dried up at 12:30 but not viewings,presumably being a new bee I have pressed the wrong button or somthing to stop replies.Any suggestions ? I may post it again.Thanks all who replied Simon

liney

Run away, run away, run some more, run some more.

Seriously though, the OP may have children he wants to leave an inheritance to, so suggesting he should spend his 30 years hard graft savings on a woman he has know for 2 years, because he can't take it with him is not a reasonable argument in my opionion.

Not feeling right about being married, surely doesn't apply to a woman who shares her bed half the week and has extra marital relations with the OP. That screams hypocrisy to me.

You have doubts, so why do it? If she loves you she will realise that she is being selfish by giving you an ultimatum, but on the same token you will have to be prepared to let her walk away (i personally doubt she will somehow)

Errata

Looks a bit black and white to me. Either she's after your money or you don't love her enough to trust her completely. Your call.

Dasnookster

I personally feel you are just not ready for getting married a second time and the fear of losing your hard earnt is still fresh in your mind.

I am quite a bit younger than you - twenty odd years to go till I retire, but I have been married and divorced and believed I would never get married again.

When I got divorced my husband ended up getting far more than me - even though people always say the woman comes out with more, mainly because I wasn't prepared to fight and battle for every last penny. I also lost a lot of furniture and different items that were mine in the first place.

When I met my current husband I told him in no uncertain terms that I would never get married again. I had managed to get a deposit for a small house and had saved and scraped to get some furniture and even managed eventually to save a bit and I thought 'no way is anyone taking anything from me again!'

Although my situation in many ways is quite different to yours, I think you are in a similar place emotionally.

Fortunately for me, my now husband, is a very kind and understanding man and completely accepted my reasons for not wanting to get married. He suggested that we go to a solicitor and have a contract drawn up, which he would be more than happy to sign, saying that he would be entitled to nothing if everything went wrong. I still said no to getting married and he said okay, but I'm going to keep asking you anyway - and he did, roughly every six months. Eventually after a number of years I found myself waiting for the next time he was going to ask me as I knew I would say yes. Don't know what changed, just something did and when and if you become ready again, I think that will happen to you, one day you will just be happy to do it.

If this lady keeps pressurising you, she will eventually push you away. I agree that you can't take your money with you - but why the hell should you give it away to someone you've known for a relatively short time and you don't seem 100% sure of.

When the time/person is right the second time round, you will know.

aMeLia'S~MuMMY

I think that you are totally right to be cautious about marriage, If your partner truly loved you then
1. She would understand your concerns and not put pressure on
2. She would not deliver an ultimatum

I see that you do not live together, perhaps this would be the next natural progression before a commitment of marriage is entered into ~ as you yourself pointed out the statistics for second marriages is quite poor.

Would this commitment not be enough at the moment to pacify her?

If she is delivering you with ultimatums when you are not sure this will continue to be at the back of your mind as if your were to marry resentment could set in ~ thus you becoming one of the said statistics.

I do not think that you are ready for marriage for the second time round (yet!), otherwise you would not be hesitating, your doubts are there for a reason.

You are still young ~ don't forget that

What you have to weigh up (on your own on this one!) is
What would you regret most?

Not marrying this woman and splitting up ?
Marrying this woman and losing some of the capital you have spent time and energy building up but having a great time on the way ?

Personally I don't know what this woman thinks of herself ~ surely if you were to marry she would always have it in the back of her mind that she basically blackmailed you into it (that's what the ultimatum is)

I don't think that anyone can give you any answers but hope that the comments help you.
whatever you do make sure it makes YOU happy ~ you only live once , this is not just a dress rehearsal
:A

simon-dupree

I take on board that there may be as you say spin on my question as to induce negative response,sorry about that I didn't knowingly do it on purpose and it is probably due to the negative feelings I am getting regarding this union hence my question to find out if I am viewing it incorrectly.
Further evidence that may have put negative spin on it that I didn't mention initially but will now is as follows.


I remember asking her what she would want from me if we did join finances ,at the time there was talk (and it was just talk) of my some of my properties being turned into a shopping arcade and the possibility of it being worth millions . She said I would like half the profit on any development but she did add that she would be advising me on the deal (she knows little if anything regarding property dealing).I have owned that property for thirty years and now if the development was to go ahead my new partner wanted half the profit on the deal.


Similarly when we were in California and we had had a lovely three months winter break,she said work wont pay for my time on holiday for this long next time.I said ok I will pick up the bill for your half of the holiday next time.She said I would feel that would be charity, cant we get married instead then your money would be my money and I wouldn't feel bad about taking it.


Thanks for the interesting responses to this posting .


Simon

fairy3

I am not too sure why there are two threads on this? However will respond to this one.

I do not offer a 'gold digger' response and this may seem cynical but it is meant well and to provoke thought rather that a unanimus decision.

I firmly believe that there are two sides to every story and we are only hearing about your partners views through you. Noone knows what goes on in a relationship between two people.

I believe you should enhance or add to each others lives. Given what you have posted it would seem that this has been the case up to now. In your case you are able to support your mother independantly owning your property whilst having an intimate relationship a few nights a week, a companion for long holidays and the opportunity to get your partner on track as well as generally getting along well.

Your partner has a refurbished house, gets financial help with the bills, also gets long holidays and an intimate relationship for a few nights a week.

Is this enough? Presumably it is for you and I get the feeling she should be grateful to you for being her benefactor? Your partner obviously does not feel this is enough and is now asking for more of a commitment, whether that is for financial benefit or love is not clear.

What is clear is that marriage would change the status quo and make you more equal in terms of decision making and planning and you make it clear you expect her to continue working as she has no retirement fund. At 56 I hope I will be thinking about retiring so that would not be unreasonable. As you are already retired how long would you see her working were the ultimatum not in place? What would your future look like? How do you see yourselves?

I completely understand the once bitten twice shy approach but also it was not your current partner who took off with your money it was your ex!

Sorry I realise I have not answered the question posed, but then only you can do that.

I wish you well in your decision.

G
x

Errata

You're a millionaire and a potential multi-millionaire! Spend some of your money on professional advice if you haven't the experience to make a judgement on your situation, in the same way as you'd employ accountants and lawyers.

lynzpower

simon-dupree wrote: »

I take on board that there may be as you say spin on my question as to induce negative response,sorry about that I didn't knowingly do it on purpose and it is probably due to the negative feelings I am getting regarding this union hence my question to find out if I am viewing it incorrectly.

Further evidence that may have put negative spin on it that I didn't mention initially but will now is as follows.


I remember asking her what she would want from me if we did join finances ,at the time there was talk (and it was just talk) of my some of my properties being turned into a shopping arcade and the possibility of it being worth millions . She said I would like half the profit on any development but she did add that she would be advising me on the deal (she knows little if anything regarding property dealing).I have owned that property for thirty years and now if the development was to go ahead my new partner wanted half the profit on the deal.


Similarly when we were in California and we had had a lovely three months winter break,she said work wont pay for my time on holiday for this long next time.I said ok I will pick up the bill for your half of the holiday next time.She said I would feel that would be charity, cant we get married instead then your money would be my money and I wouldn't feel bad about taking it.

Thanks for the interesting responses to this posting .


Simon

:eek: :eek: :eek:

I still give my OH the coppers when he buys me a paper on the way home, weve lived together 2 years. He is not my cash cow, nor am I his, we are seperate equals joined by love only and thats the way we like it.