What would you do?

PeacefulWaters

"When you say xxx it makes me feel yyy".

"I don't like feeling yyy".

How he responds, with both words and actions, will tell you if your relationship is equal and fair.

scarlet55

Hedghog wrote: »

Thank you for your replies.

I do not have any money of my own (apart from child benefits that go towards nappies etc).

He earns just over the recommended salary so we are living on his wage alone. I have offered to get evening/weekend work but he turns me down. I may have nswered my own question here but I love him and most of the time things are great. It's when he is annoyed for whatever reason, be it me or something else, that he brings up me being a 'scrounger'

That's not on!
You're running the house and bringing up his child.
Why has he denied you getting an evening job? is it because he doesn't want the responsibility of looking after his child?

You really need to sit down and talk to him about this, otherwise it'll only get worse.

Scrounger indeed! cheeky sod!

David301

Can't wait until Guest101 shows up, this is his favourite topic!!

:rotfl::D

Pollycat

Did you discuss - and agree - about you being a SAHM when you got pregnant?
Did you talk about finances at all?
What were the arrangements before you got pregnant? Did you work? How did you split the money?

If you didn't agree in advance that being a SAHM would be best for your son, maybe he feels resentful about that.
BUT - that does not give him the right to call you a 'scrounger' and make you feel worthless.
As you mention that mostly things are great and it's only when he's angry that he feels this way, you need to tell him it's unacceptable to take things out on you.

Jagraf

Would you like to work? Perhaps you could find some part time work and tell him you have found a nursery and that during the time your child is at nursery you split child care costs and household chores.

Tell him that it is good to keep up your skills so that eventually you can return to work and earn what he earns.

It doesn't really matter if you are not 'earning much' after child care fees, this is about a long term investment in your future.

He can't have it both ways. he would either have to earn, stay at home himself while you earn, or pay his way for nursery costs.

PS I think its a good idea for you to keep your hand in at work, and keep some independence. When your child is at school it will be easier for you then to earn full time salary.

Delree

I think this ranks amongst the worst types of domestic abuse. To mentally torture someone like this is unforgivable.

If I were lucky enough to have a partner and child that I could support I would be honoured. I would share everything without question and be grateful for every day watching the two people I love the most have a great life.

Oh well.

Alikay

Don't think you need to do anything proactive, as it'll all pan out in time: Your resentment will grow as your self-esteem dwindles, his treatment of you will either continue as is, or worsen as he starts to see you as needy, complaining and shrewish, intimacy will become difficult and diminish, your son will pick up on the tension and maybe develop behavioural issues or form odd perceptions about what is "normal" in a partnership. Ultimately the relationship is likely to come to an end as no-one's needs are being met, then you can claim child support and he'll finally have to pay something towards his child's upkeep. He may even have to contribute practically to his care during weekend access visits.

Or you could insist that he behaves like a decent parent now......

pollypenny

This is appalling! Were you working before you had the baby and what discussions did you have before becoming a Sahm?

How do you each see your future?

There's much that needs sorting in this abusive relationship if you are to have a future.

Gigglepig

I would highly recommend gettting a full time job and that you split the childcare bill. It might not look like it makes sense financially but think of it as a long term investment and insurance policy. you might be able to slowly increase your earning/build a career/build a pension pot... And depending on the age of the child benefit from some free nursery hours, too. If your partners nasty attitude continues you would be in a much better position later on if the relationship does not work out.

Oh and go away on holiday for two weeks leaving all household responsibilities with your partner - they need to learn to be more appreciative and would probably value your contribution more if they had a better idea of how much work it actually is to be at home with children.

barbiedoll

Stop managing the house and cooking his meals then!

If he wants his ironing done, tell him that the current rate is £12/hour and that is what it will now cost him. Or he can do it himself.

The cost of a cook would be (sadly) probably somewhere around minimum wage, so say £5/hour...or he could cook his own meals.
Cleaners cost more, around £10-15 hour, how much is that going to cost him if he had to pay someone else to do the work?

Childcare is anywhere between £200-£500/week (office hours only) so he needs to understand that subsidising you is probably cheaper than paying half of the fees for a childminder or nursery.

I think that a lot of working partners think that the SAH parent is lounging around at home all day, watching Jeremy Kyle, shopping for fripperies online and eating chocolate in their pyjamas. Anyone who stays at home caring for children, knows that it is bloody hard work, especially on a tight budget.

OP, your partner may well be a lovely, if misguided, bloke. But he shouldn't be calling you a "scrounger", nor should you be giving him the power to dictate whether or not you work outside the home, that should be a joint decision.

Have you checked to see if you are eligible for any other benefits, such as Tax Credits? These could be paid directly into your account (as I assume your Child Benefit is?)

You need to have a proper conversation about this. I stayed at home for 3 years to care for our child. I didn't spend money that we didn't have, but I didn't have to ask if I needed to buy anything, we had a joint account and I took what I needed. Obviously this needs a certain amount of trust, my OH knew that I wouldn't spend like mad (I'm the tightwad of the family) but I didn't have to get permission to buy a mascara or have a haircut for example.

Don't let your partner make you feel that your contribution to the household is worthless. You are far cheaper than a "professional" and your child will benefit from having time at home with you during the early years. Let no-one tell you otherwise.