What would you do?

Hedghog

Hi all,

I am new here but need some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend about 3 years. We have a son together (8 months old). I do not work as I am bringing up our son, however, my bf likes to remind that it is 'his money' whenever I like to spend the odd bit. I rarely spend on myself. Mainly on our child or him. If I was to work, it would be pointless as I would be earning less than childcare costs. How do I make him understand this? Or would you just leave? Iam fed up of feeling worthless even though I look after the house and cook meals aswell as raising our child. What would you do? I am open to most suggestions

Thanks x

Rambosmum

He makes you feel worthless. Talk to him about this. He needs to change his attitude or you need to get out. It may be that there are money worries you aren't aware of that are making him stressed, but he shouldn't be blaming you for these. Similarly he could be depressed, but again, he shouldn't take this out on you.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hi Hedghog

From the bit of info you are giving, it sounds unfair - I don't like the 'his money' scenario, epecially when one of the parents is staying at home to rear family

Do you guys have a joint bank account where all wage/tax creds are paid in?

You ask how you make him understand this, have you actually discussed it with him in REAL depth? Would it be worth telling him that you have applied for a job earning £350 a week and the childcare is £450 per week and if he is willing to pay 50% towards that? and paint the picture for him that you all would actually be worse off

He does sound ignorant to the facts of how much childcare costs and the substantial wage you would need to be earning to afford it. Not only that, but the more important fact of actually WANTING to raise your child yourselves rather than bung into overpriced daycare

There are other ways, why not get an evening/weekend job, so he is there to child mind whilst you earn? Just a thought, although I know perhaps not ideal

missbiggles1

If you carry on having his and her money, don't forget that the childcare costs would be split between the two of you.

Hedghog

Thank you for your replies.

I do not have any money of my own (apart from child benefits that go towards nappies etc).

He earns just over the recommended salary so we are living on his wage alone. I have offered to get evening/weekend work but he turns me down. I may have nswered my own question here but I love him and most of the time things are great. It's when he is annoyed for whatever reason, be it me or something else, that he brings up me being a 'scrounger'

KRB2725

Get a couple of quotes for full time care of your LO at local nurseries. Present him with a bill for half and tell him you'll cook and clean for free as you do now!

SailorSam

Could you afford to leave ?
As sad as it is you often hear women sating they couldn't leave even if they wanted to.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hedghog wrote: »

love him and most of the time things are great. It's when he is annoyed for whatever reason, be it me or something else, that he brings up me being a 'scrounger'

That's good hunny and if you love each other then I wouldn't be packing my bags just yet - but if things are not resolved, it will certainly lead to deeper issues and resentment which are not the basis for a long term steady future together. If he doesn't stop, can you really see yourself putting up with this behaviour forever?

This 'scrounger' stuff MUST stop. It is about respect. If he is annoyed with something else, you are not his verbal punch bag...so he is annoyed and he just HAS to make you feel !!!!!! about yourself? no no no - he's got misplaced anger

He sounds like a boy rather than a man, and really DOES need a lesson in growing up.

You are letting him rule the roost. You have ''offered'' to get work and he ''turns you down''? If you WANT to get a job, you tell him you are getting a job, you don't ask his permission! He is not the BOSS of you, he is your PARTNER

How did he become the sole decision maker? You need to get on a steady partnership level, an even keel, rather than this dominating and submissive partnership you have going on is unhealthy. Tell him what YOU need, don't ask for permission - or you are allowing yourself to go down a bad route

Sorry but I would wipe the floor with this guy.

BitterAndTwisted

He calls the mother of his child a scrounger? What the blazes did he think was going to happen when you both brought a child into this world, that the fairies would come and take care of your baby while you both worked full-time?

Only eight months after the birth and he's abusing and undermining you already. Think hard. Think really, really hard about what kind of future staying with this brute could hold for you. This could be just the beginning of something really not good. To put it mildly.

If shortage of cash was the true reason for him being an unpleasant @rse he would be keen at the prospect of you working evenings or nights when he's home and free to take care of your child. His motives are altogether more sinister, I fear.

marisco_2

What was your response to your partner calling you a scrounger? Did you calmly show that you respect yourself enough to not be treated unreasonably and ask him to explain that comment? From the outside looking in things aren't great. You appear to be spiralling into a vicious circle, even though you are putting forward suggestions to alleviate all that seems to trigger your partners disillusionment. A loving partner, someone worth forging a future with, would be working with you as a strong team unit. Not dismissing your ideas and laying the blame at your feet when it suits him.

FBaby

I was going to say that he sounded resentful and that maybe he believed that you should be considering to doing some work, but then you say that you suggested it and he said no.

I think you need to have a serious relationship with him as to why he feels the way he does. Does he think that you should be going back to work despite childcare costs? Or maybe he thinks you spend money -however little- on non essential things for him/baby, or maybe he thinks you don't do enough in the house.

Whatever it is, unless he lets it out and you guys discuss it, it is only only going to get worse until it eats him inside and he takes it all out on you.