how to make a life changing decision

double_mummy

hey guys

as always im in need of some advice

i have been offered what is basically a new life in another part of the country and was looking for some perspectives and arguments for and against to help me think things through

the offer is to move around 100 miles north of where i am now into a family owned property. the rent is 50% of what i am paying now (market value for that area) and I have had a job offer that i can walk into earning the same amount as i am here. the school that we will be in catchment for is rated excellent by OFSTED (the one they are at now scraped a good rating) and has spaces in the years that the kids will go into in September (but no guarantee of us getting those places) it is much closer to family and friends with 5 main family members living within a 5 mile radius including one who is retired and another who works from home who have offered to provide support over the holidays and if the kids are sick etc the actual property is larger and much nicer than the one i am in now and is very close to large parks and woods. there would be no financial cost to me moving as this could all be arranged by a family member up there. as it is north cost of living is also cheaper so i would have much more disposable income

negatives are - the kids dad would still be down here and will be very much viewed by him and his family as me taking the kids away, the kids have lived here all their lives and have never known anything different but they are still young (8 and 5) i have just got into my first relationship with a guy since separating from the husband, leaving friends and family down here, changing schools and leaving the kids friends, leaving a job i love to start a new one (the new job is in a similar field)

This was only brought up yesterday and i have until friday at 12pm to make a decision (last chance for school applications for septemeber) so WWYD?? or any tips on how to make the decision?

gettingtheresometime

well if the only thing that is pressing a decision by friday is the school application couldn't you make the application regardless and then you have a bit longer to make that decision

duchy

I agree -if it's a family owned property just put the future address on the application -and apply -take a bit more time to decide .

As for the rest - If it is giving the kids a nicer home and better life style is your priority this is worthy of considering.

A hundred miles isn't that far -and frankly most NRPs would be miffed if you moved 20 miles so there's no real issue as to how far it is-it's still doable in a day and you could do handovers halfway if you were minded to.

I talked to my ex when I was thinking about moving away -and we talked about how access would work. In fact he and his new girlfriend came to visit our first full weekend in the new place as I hadn't met her and he and she were planning on taking our son on holiday and I wanted to meet her beforehand. He wasn't thrilled about the extra travelling but we made it work.

If it feels right (how well do you know the area ? Would some long weekends up there help you decide if you don't know it well) then do it. There seem to be few downsides and lots of advantages.

double_mummy

see how come you guys are so sensible and see the obvious that i completely overlook!!! so if i put the application in its still the problem of how to make the decision

any ideas??

elsien

How much does the kids dad have them now, and how would that work if you moved? Are you and they prepared for them to be away from you for possibly longer periods than they are now, eg weekends, half of half terms and holidays?

Guest101

Just out of curiosity, would you move there solo and not uproot the kids?

Angry_Bear

double_mummy wrote: »

negatives are - the kids dad would still be down here and will be very much viewed by him and his family as me taking the kids away, the kids have lived here all their lives and have never known anything different

I hate to be quite so blunt about it, but that's exaclty what you would be doing. I don't think it's something you should even reasonably consider without having a (non-confrontational) discussion with him.

Could you talk to their Dad with the angle "this is a really good opportunity for me, but I don't want to damage your relationship with the kids". 100 miles isn't really that far, depending on transport links (how long would it take to travel?).
Maybe you could come to a compromise on how to arrange access that would minimize the impact on you both?
I'm thinking, the kids stay at his less frequently but for longer periods, you meet half way for hand-overs, you share transport costs etc. Are the kids mature enough to take public transport on their own (8 is a bit too young imo, but it might not be too long if they could be dropped off and collected at either end - I'm terrible at judging by kids ages so I don't really know)? Of course, all of this depends on how you currently manage contact.

If you can get his support, or at the very least his resigned acceptance to your moving, then it will be much smoother in the long run. If you can't, then maybe that should influence your decision.

double_mummy

elsien wrote: »

How much does the kids dad have them now, and how would that work if you moved? Are you and they prepared for them to be away from you for possibly longer periods than they are now, eg weekends, half of half terms and holidays?

he sees them pretty much daily at the moment and has them overnight at my place once or twice a week im used to them being away for the holidays and things as they usually tour the family so this wouldnt be a massive issue for me but their dad hasnt got anywhere to have them overnight (he rents a room)

Guest101 wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, would you move there solo and not uproot the kids?

there isnt anywhere for the children to stay down here if i go

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I hate to be quite so blunt about it, but that's exaclty what you would be doing. I don't think it's something you should even reasonably consider without having a (non-confrontational) discussion with him.

Could you talk to their Dad with the angle "this is a really good opportunity for me, but I don't want to damage your relationship with the kids". 100 miles isn't really that far, depending on transport links (how long would it take to travel?).
Maybe you could come to a compromise on how to arrange access that would minimize the impact on you both?
I'm thinking, the kids stay at his less frequently but for longer periods, you meet half way for hand-overs, you share transport costs etc. Are the kids mature enough to take public transport on their own (8 is a bit too young imo, but it might not be too long if they could be dropped off and collected at either end - I'm terrible at judging by kids ages so I don't really know)? Of course, all of this depends on how you currently manage contact.

If you can get his support, or at the very least his resigned acceptance to your moving, then it will be much smoother in the long run. If you can't, then maybe that should influence your decision.

im going to talk to their dad tonight and offer for him to come up as much as he wants (there is a spare bedroom) it would be about 2 hours travel on the coach and cost about £25 return if booked about a month in advance
they are too little for doing the trip by themselves yet maybe in a couple of years for the big one as it is one direct coach all the way there and his dad could meet him at this end and i do also have friends down here that i can come and stay with for a couple of days once every couple of months

obviously their dad will have a big impact on the decision but which is why the decision is very difficult if he was an absent father or something it wouldnt really concern me but he is an excellent father and always has been.

and go me i worked out this multi quote thing finally

duchy

If Dad has his family locally could they not stay with them ?
Or could he not just find something big enough for the kids to stay ? Even a one bedroom flat and the kids have his bed and he sleeps on the sofa?

If you are now starting a new relationship it really isn't appropriate for Dad to come and stay as it would be very confusing for the children who may think you are getting back together.

Guest101

double_mummy wrote: »

he sees them pretty much daily at the moment and has them overnight at my place once or twice a week im used to them being away for the holidays and things as they usually tour the family so this wouldnt be a massive issue for me but their dad hasnt got anywhere to have them overnight (he rents a room)


there isnt anywhere for the children to stay down here if i go


im going to talk to their dad tonight and offer for him to come up as much as he wants (there is a spare bedroom) it would be about 2 hours travel on the coach and cost about £25 return if booked about a month in advance
they are too little for doing the trip by themselves yet maybe in a couple of years for the big one as it is one direct coach all the way there and his dad could meet him at this end and i do also have friends down here that i can come and stay with for a couple of days once every couple of months

obviously their dad will have a big impact on the decision but which is why the decision is very difficult if he was an absent father or something it wouldnt really concern me but he is an excellent father and always has been.

and go me i worked out this multi quote thing finally

Without being awkward i suspect there would be if the child maintenance payments were swapped.

IE he stopped paying you X ammount per month, so saving some money and you in turn started aying him Y amount per month, he would have extra.

Extra would pay for the house/flat for him and them.

- I am not having a go, just flip reversing it.
- If you two have good level of communication, it may work.
- He may relocate also, to be close to you, and the offer of a room for a short period may let him sort it out
- I think the most important thing you said was " Hes an excellent father". So you owe it to your children to keep the excellent father in their lives. How is up to you both.
- Finally its good to read about two people who seem to actually communicaate post break up and not be at each others throat, for this (and the multi quoting) congrats!

double_mummy

thanks guys

we have looked at them staying with him full time before but in the area we are its just not affordable im secretly hoping he will suggest coming up north with us as i really wouldnt want him not to be in their lives as much as he is now he would be able to afford something much nicer up there for about the same sort of money that he is paying on a room at the moment

he doesnt pay maintenance - i dont feel that i need it he just buys stuff for the kids like uniform and clothes and contributes to school trips etc and will grabs milk etc when he sees i need it i was always very much the higher earner so as long as the kids have everything they need i dont really see why i should take x amount from him each month sometimes he spends less than what the CSA would say to pay sometimes its more

with regards to how we are with each other the break up was amicable there was no wrong on either side so its been pretty easy for us (not saying we havent both had our moments lol but we seem to have found an even footing) and there hasnt been any change since my new relationship he is happy that i am happy im so amazingly glad that my ex is a friend

so plan is - i have pulled some properties off the net that would be affordable for him close to where me and the kids would be i have got the details for the local schools to show how much better they are i have got a load of jobs similar to what he does now to show him - he is due over in about half an hour for us to chat about some things to do with the kids school so will bring it up then

guest 101 this was exact;y the kind of thinking i was looking for so please dont think you are having a go and keep it coming!!!!