How Do I Support Him?

kingfisher1961

In October last year my husband told me he didn't think he could cope with his job anymore - he had been promoted 2 years before and was in a management position with around 20 staff (something he had never done before).

He was working all hours sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning and we never seemed to have any time together as a family. He saw another job advertised at around £10k less and asked if I thought he should go for it. I knew he wasn't happy so said yes straight away - and then worried about how we would cope.

He did get the job and is now much happier. Fortunately he hadn't got to the point of being off sick with stress. We now manage quite well, we only have one small car and are due to change that in a couple of months but will buy a larger, older car so don't need to take out a loan. We stopped using our credit card completely and now use only cash or debit card. If the money isn't in the bank we don't spend it. Having less money seems to have made us much more focused.

You have to do what is right for you and your family but I'm sure you want your husband to be happy.

System

This thread brings back many memories. 10 years ago MrJudi had a stress related breakdown down at work. He complained 3 or 4 times to the director of the company he worked at, he told him he wasnt coping with the pressure very well - and certainly felt as though he was the only one in the office who knew what he was talking about because he got the majority of the workload. Nothing changed. Until the one day he pinned one of his fellow workers up the wall and threatened to punch his lights out. That was soooo out of character for MrJudi and he walked out of the office never to go back in again.

He was off work 7 months or so, was on anti d's and had counselling. He would throw up at the slightest stress and couldnt pick up a telephone for many months. It was like having another child round the place at times. He no longer functioned as a husband and father and he found it hard to deal with. I think the lack of sex drive was the worst for me, although i was 'functioning' normally, he wasnt. I didnt put any pressure on him though and after a time i didnt miss it.

When he finally went back to work, he went back into the warehouse. He made his peice with his fellow worker, and the fact his outburst was so out of character and he had come to the bosses for help, was enough to be given a second chance.

He hated the warehouse, and couldnt face going back into an office enviroment so i encouraged him to go back to college and do something he had always had a passion for. He did 2 years doing two days a week at college which he had out of his holiday entitlement at work. Any other time he had off was unpaid. Eventually, he did pretty well for himself, and persuaded a company to take him on. He had no experience and was fresh out of college but they took the risk. He hasnt looked back since.

Fran

moggins wrote:

We have a really good marriage but he's not one for opening up and talking about his feelings, I didn't even know things had got this bad until he rang me yesterday and told me he was going to the doctors.

Perhaps he doesn't want to upset you because he knows how stressed you got when overdoing it. The fact that you didn't know about how bad it was implies that communication is the key. At least if he thinks you will support him whatever his decision he might discuss it more with you. As he's off work at the moment you have the time to talk. I hope they get it sorted out at work, at least he is not alone in this as others are feeling it too.

jellyhead

my stepfather got a lot less stressed and came off his antidepressants after he resigned from the union, he was shop steward or something like that. yes others are feeling the same pressure but being a union rep puts on even more pressure, he just couldn't cope.

astudent

I am sure all Government Departments have a policy of tackling work related stress. Before he quits his job altogether perhaps he could find out what they can do for him as they won't want to lose a valuable member of staff. They are supposed to be setting an example and they have caused the problem after all.

Don't do anything in haste - find out what's available first.

Good luck

Savvy_Sue

How you support him while he works through all this is a hard question to answer, but I think you've had some good advice so far: letting him know you want him to be happy, but trying to talk through how you'd manage as a family on a much reduced salary etc. We sometimes work ourselves into a vicious circle of both thinking "I won't tell him/her how much I'm worrying about this because I don't want him/her to worry" Or is that just me and my DH?

Thinking through what you want to say is a good idea, so that you clearly don't come across as saying "You can't possibly give up your job because we need the money and I don't want to work". More a "Have you thought about ... Do you think you'd be bored doing that?"

And asking what you can do to support him while he works out what to do for the best.

So finding ways of talking to each other is vital, but maybe he also needs to talk to someone other than you, before he can talk to you. Have you got good friends you can call on to take him out for a drink and a chat?

Sorry, not being completely coherent here, hope something useful communicates!

shopbot

I hope the following thoughts/advice help...
1. First of all don't feel that you alone have to support your husband. Your husbands GP is hugely important. Some will be better than others at treating this type of issue then so he might consider seeing a different GP if he feels he needs better support.

2. Ask him to discuss with his GP whether some medication might help. Some of the SSRI anti-depressants can be extremely effective if used correctly. However it is important to remember that they are not a cure for the stress in itself. It is best to use them as a fairly short term way of alleviating symptoms while he attempts to change the situation or causes of the stress.

3. His employer has a legal duty to prevent his work making him ill. Being signed off has the very important effect of sending a very clear signal to his employer that this is not happening. If they do not react, they are failing in their legal duty of care to him. See http://www.hse.gov.uk/stress/index.htm

4. He will be feeling very vunerable at the moment and that is why he may not have discussed it with you as fully as you would have liked. Not only will he be v anxious about his job he will probably be anxious as his role as the family bread winner. Don't take it personally it is just a symptom of the stress.

5. Have faith that things will work out in the end and make sure you look after yourself emotionally and healthwise. Keep posting here if it helps...there are lots of people who can advise and who have been through similar situations.

I hope things get better!

Al_Mac

Last year the Doc offered to sign me off sick, didn't take it, did the drugs for six months, they didn't appear to help so gave up on them, the doc was planning on stopping them anyway. If I had been off, I'd probably have been worse, worrying about work!

I wanted to quit, Mrs Mac agreed, but only if I had a plan, checked the plan draw and it was empty, she also wanted me to earn the same, very unlikely

Just been through the 50% of work going off shore, I still have a job. I've now been offered the chance to re-train, again, might happen this time.

What I really would like to say is, it is hard to talk about, for him, Mrs Mac still doesn't fully understand how I feel, many conversations down the line, please be patient and don't expect up beat and positive responses.

Take care

Queenie

Awww, moggins ((hugs))

Men tend not to share their deeper worries generally anyway, add stress into the equation and whollop! He's probably been stewing over this for quite a while which also possibly just added to his stress.

What does he need right now in terms of support from you? Patience; a listening ear, understanding, your honesty (but framed as Savvy Sue suggested). Space to do his thinking.
Above all - keep faith in him, quite likely he's lost faith in himself and his abilities which is also contributing to his stress.

moggins

We've managed to talk a bit, not as much as I would like but enough for me to be slightly reassured that he hasn't completely lost the plot after all, he admits that a few days ago he wouldn't have cared whether he ever walked back into the building ever again but he knows that this may not be possible.

We only talked though because I finally got so stressed that I burst into tears in front of him and the kids.

He's got a good idea of what he is worth and won't take a job for less than that but I think he may be deluding himself slightly on what the average wage is around here, he's gone to visit all the job agencies this morning with his CV in hand and we've put the move to Wales on the back burner for now until we find out what is around here. I've got places for the kids at really good schools in September and don't want to lose them unless we have to.

I don't really object to going back to work if it's something I enjoy but I have worked at low grade jobs since having the second child 10 years ago and after a mastectomy 2 years ago I don't have the physical strength anymore to haul cages across shop floors etc. I wanted the time to rehone my computer skills (I qualified as a secretary years ago and spent the first 10 years doing office jobs) and always planned to look at retraining when the youngest starts school in September.

So basically I know he can't carry on doing this job, I've accepted that changes are going to happen no matter what, but he's also reassured me that he will do his best to ensure that any changes don't affect our lives too much and I've reassured him that I will support him, that my fear doesn't stem from being a lazy wench who wants to put her feet up all day but from having a very unstable childhood, a few years where we were at rock bottom and being forced to go and stack shelves at Tesco again!