How Do I Support Him?

moggins

My husband has just been signed off sick for a month with severe stress related illness. He works for the government and his case load is horrendous and the highest in his office. He's decided he's finally had enough and is looking for another job although he's done this job for 5 years and has always loved working in this field.

I am currently a SAHM and it's something I'm good at, I have 3 children and I have tried combining work and the kids and it just left me exhausted and stressed whereas at home I cook everything from scratch, grow my own veggies, deal with the bills, budgets etc and he is not good at any of this, he has a genius level IQ but I was blessed with the common sense.

I don't blame him for having had enough of his job but he seems to be losing it completely and is now considering an assistant manager job at a local video store, our income will drop by about £7K and I can see him getting bored within 10 minutes. I will obviously have to get a job to supplement our income and my little one will have to go to some kind of childcare (she starts school in September)

I understand all the reasons why he is doing this but I'm just feeling confused and scared at what the future will hold so how do I manage to support him when I don't believe he is thinking clearly at the moment? We have a really good marriage but he's not one for opening up and talking about his feelings, I didn't even know things had got this bad until he rang me yesterday and told me he was going to the doctors.

We_Laugh_Indoors

i think you should try to talk about it more, quitting a job is not a thing to do on the spur of the moment. he may feel revitalised after the time off and regret quitting.

maybe go for a bit of a holiday if possible, or a health spa weekend specifically for relaxation.

for the stress i would recommend counselling, i had the problem with stress in the past and it taught me how to deal with it better. your husbands doctor should offer some sort of counselling.

rchddap1

My advise would be to talk to him and explain your feelings. Tell him that you're scared about what is going to happen.

At the end of the day though you have to work out what you would prefer...a stressed out partner who works all the hours god sends and doesn't spend much time with his family...or a family with a bit less cash, but with a less stressed 'dad' that can spend more time with you and the little one.

My other half decided that he'd had enough of his job. He would come home stressed, upset and sometimes angry. he would alwasy complain about work. So, he took a chance on another job and left. 6 months later...he was made redundant and had to look for more work, which he found very quickly. However, he didn't suit his new job and had to find another. Finally we though we found some peace when he found the third job in the list...but no...they made him redundant too. We're now on job number 4, and he isn't truely happy with what he is doing. However, he doesn't come home stressed.

When I see him, he is smiling and happy. I don't hear all the complaints about work anymore and his job isn't stressing him at all. We have been through hell over the past year or so because of his work, but I wouldn't change it for anything. A happy partner makes me a happy girl. I'm sure there are more problems to come (aren't there always), but I'm not worried anymore that he might snap.

Think about what you want and be careful.

Good luck

moggins

To be honest, he never used to work all the hours god sends, he always said that they only paid him to do 35 and that was all he was working, I know I might be sounding very selfish here and I've probably put it all wrong.

I don't want him to work at a job he hates but even with his decent salary we are only just making ends meet with very few luxuries and nights out once in a blue moon, I make money stretch as far as I can and at the moment we are definitely better off with me staying at home as I save us more than I could earn

rchddap1

Perhaps it might be worth while to sit down with him and plan out a budget as if he was working in this new job.

Spendless

Hi

Have you looked at the 'entitled to' website to see what your tax credits would be if your income were to drop?

How old are your other children moggins?

I used to have a part-time eve job Mon-Fri 5-8 at a big DIY store. All it was was facing up (tidying up) the store ready for opening the following morning. It was boring-yes but a doddle also and a 3 hour shift wasn't hard. Could you do something like this? Would hubby be at home to look after kids, means you wouldn't have to put little one in childcare, saving costs, and the summer hols is nearly upon us so you'd still see your older children once school finishes.

Pollen

moggins - you're quite right he probably is not thinking clearly at the present time and any decisions will be an instant reaction to what he is finding an intolerable workload. Does he belong to a union - if so he should up-date them on his current situation as even if he does decide not to return managers should be made aware of the strains on staff (although this is not an immediate need but something to consider for the future).

Many government agencies offer free staff counselling and this would give him the time and space to explore what he does want for the future.

He has been signed off sick for a month - this will give him some breathing space and he needs to be enabled to understand that this removes the sense of immediate urgency. He should be entitled to a longer period of sick leave with full pay. I know many people feel this is not the way forward, however you said his employer's have overworked him which has led to this situation and they have a duty of care and if this duty involves paying for recuperation then so be it. This will again allow him and yourself to seek the best options for your family.

You also need to gather support as it is a difficult time for you and your family. I do wish you all the best and am thinking of you.

jellyhead

just wanted to send a hug *HUG*
if hubby's income will significantly drop you might get extra tax credits. also, if he's severely stressed might he be able to take another month off after this month runs out? that would provide a bit more thinking time. if he gets full sick pay then a month or two of de-stressing might help a lot. it does sound as if he's made up his mind about quitting so you need to talk to him about your worries. it may be that he thinks he needs to apply for another job straight away in case his sick note goes against him, that if he took say 2 months off for stress and then started looking for another job the potential employers would be put off by his having had 2 months off sick, whereas if he applies right now it looks as if he's simply leaving one job to take another less stressful one. good luck, i hope he starts to feel better soon.

Js_Other_Half

If it's a government job, he needs to contact his union as well. They'll be able to offer him advice and support. He should use the time on the sicknote- which may well be extended - to have some counselling, and perhaps look at being redeployed elsewhere - which is often on protected salary for a while.

Good luck with it - but try and get him to discuss this with his union asap.

moggins

Thanks for all the replies, he's actually the union rep! He's gone into a union meeting this afternoon even though he didn't want to go back in the building, they have a health & safety official attending the meeting to discuss the matter of their workload as everyone is suffering from overwork, dh just keeps getting the brunt of it and when they gave him another case yesterday he just cracked I think.

We've had dreams of moving to Wales so if push does come to shove we'll realise our dreams and go, if we're going to have to start afresh we may as well do it in a place we love and we would be mortgage free too.

We_Laugh_Indoors

do something that will make you both happy.

being mortgage free would make me happy!!

good luck with everything