At a crossroads in my life - advice appreciated

Snakey

Jojo - I've heard that too, as "wherever you go, there you are". You can tell a lot about where your head's at by asking yourself whether that sentence makes you feel hopeful or down.

Gaia2014

FBaby wrote: »

What I have found in the past was that whatever my issues were at the moment that made me feel was holding me back, mixing/communicating with people who shared similar sorrow at that time really helped.

Have you thought about posting on sites for older women wishing to become a mum? Some might be facing the same dilemma than you in regards to cost/savings.

You say that the worse is comparing yourself to others, and indeed, there is nothing worse to feel inadequate, however, comparing yourself with people who are facing exactly the same difficulties brings a feeling of optimism and togetherness.

Hi FBaby, yes i have joined a coupe of forums for older women (40 plus) and I do find the helpful to a certain extent. But, nothing beats face to face support. Perhaps I need to create a 'meet up' group for like minded women when I'm feeling a little stinger...You're right though it does bring a feel of optimism and togetherness, which is what good social relationships are based on after all... in it together :beer:

Gaia2014

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Why not wait a year until your debts are repaid which will give you more options?

This is what I had intended to do... but I'm quite impatient and want to be there now

I think what I struggle with is the here and now. I tend to fast forward to the future (or look back with regret). Maybe I need to try mindfulness

But, certainly this time next year I should have some more options.

chiefie

Perhaps take a little longer to pay the debts off so you have a little more to support socialising etc this year and next ? I can relate to wanting to get rid of debt quickly but is it too much of a focus for you ?

Gaia2014

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Too right, you've spent enough time grieving over the relationship given how much in your life you would like to change. Any more time spent in this fashion will be a waste, it might be comfortable for you but it's holding you back from the serious business of living. A life not enjoyed is a life wasted.

Yes I know, which is why I'm taking steps to change to change things. I completely agree that a life not enjoy is a life wasted. Life is short enough. Sometimes it takes a significant event or a certain realisation to get things moving in my case. But, I would prefer this not to be the case.

Gaia2014

chiefie wrote: »

Perhaps take a little longer to pay the debts off so you have a little more to support socialising etc this year and next ? I can relate to wanting to get rid of debt quickly but is it too much of a focus for you ?

Possibly, but the debts are weighing me down emotionally (some of them are over 10 years old). They need to been gone as soon as possible because they are impacting on my self esteem. If I was a bit younger I would probably consider this.

Gaia2014

Kynthia wrote: »

You say that you've started seeing a counsellor? I've a friend who's also just started some therapy and bringing up past issues and thinking about difficult things is making her feel worse right now and isn't easy. Hopefully the end result will mean things are better than before and it will be worth it. Could the counselling being affecting your current outlook?

I don't think so because I actually feel a bit better since I've started going... I'm not really focusing on the past as such because it is only short term counselling. I'm not sure I want to delve into the past. Rather develop strategies to build on my self-esteem and work towards my goals. I see it as a springboard to taking some positive steps towards change. :j

Gaia2014

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Something I said to one of my mates once when he was stressed, depressed and thinking of chucking it all in and moving away (as he had done several times before in his life), apparently helped him. To me, it was just my usual late night pub conversations with him, but he thought it was important enough to mention later:

'Moving away's all very well. But don't forget, wherever you run to, you've got to take yourself'


If you're not happy with You, it doesn't matter where you go, you're not going to be happy.

So true... I also have a friend who used to 'run away' (be it new job, new part of the country etc) to seek new experiences and outlooks. Part of my things he was trying to run away from himself and his problems. Trouble is they followed him.

Gaia2014

Hermoine wrote: »

When I was a few years older than you and going through a bad time career-wise, I went to a personal coach - very unlike me. And she asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years time, and what could I do now to help get me there. It was something I'd never really thought through before, but has been quite useful ever since.

In your case, its probably not the best time to make any sudden decisions but it might be worth starting to think through longer term plans. Does your work have to be in London, for example? Or would another city with cheaper property prices enable you get on the property ladder more easily, whilst still having a lot to offer you. If that might be possible, then why not spend time over the next year researching various places you might want to live, and seeing whether that makes sense to you. At the very least you might end up having some nice weekends in different places...

And, as a fellow cat-lover, I quite understand that you need to continue living somewhere where your cat can be with you. I re-located back to London in my late 40s. I ended up living in a fairly horrible rented flat mainly because it was the only place that would allow me to keep the cat!

Thank you for your suggestions. Researching various places I might want to live sounds like good idea, in fact my dad also suggested I do this... Moving to another (less costly) part of the country could be an option in the future, but I'm quite attached to my current job and my flat (although small) is in a nice area and the cat is able to come and go as he pleases. I think I will stay put for a year until I'm more solvent and revisit my options.

My long term goal/5 year plan is to settle down and have a family in some shape or form. Sometimes that feels like an impossible dream, but if I'm open to it then hopefully this will happen within the next 5 years.

Gaia2014

lynsayjane wrote: »

Hi OP,
My situation isn't quite the same but has similar themes.
I'm 33 and have everything I want in life, bar someone to share it with and a family. Although slightly younger I'm already having these thoughts that I'm too old to have a family. Not just in the getting pregnant but the keeping up with a family side. If I were to get pregnant today I'd be into my 50's by the time they're leaving home. That's not taking into account the time it would take to meet someone, develop a relationship where we both want kids and any time getting pregnant.
What makes it worse is I've tried internet dating to no avail, my latest attempt didn't get me any dates. I don't get chatted up when I'm out with friends and I don't think I've ever been set up by a friend (I wish they did as they'd have some idea of who I'd get on with!) despite all their protestations that I should have someone.
Most of my friends are coupled or kidded so I have difficulty getting out of the house without going by myself. Over the years I've been to the theatre, cinema etc. solo though I find it difficult going out for meals myself.
A few months back I found a group recently started on fb called GirlCrew in my local city. It's all girls looking for other girls as friends from a variety of backgrounds. Some are in our situation of being single and not getting out, there are others new to the area and all sorts. We arrange nights out, cinema trips and are now discussing a weekend away and a park bbq in the summer. The events range from a couple of girls to 17 at one night out and area always good fun. The girls are all really friendly too which makes it even better.
Perhaps looking for something like that in your area would be a good idea, it would surprise you how many others are in the same situation. I've no doubt you're like me and every time you walk down the street every single person you see is part of a couple of pushing a pram. This reminds me I'm not alone.

I echo what others have said that maybe it's not the ideal time for huge life changes. Concentrate on that debt and if you need inspiration start planning what you'll do when it's gone.
Sadly we have no control over whether we ever get to meet someone to spend our life with or if we get to have children but there are a lot of things in life we can control, my best advise is to work out which is which and work on the things that can be controlled.

x

Good advice lynsayjane and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation too. I've tried internet dating too. In fact I met my last long term partner on the internet. But, I don't think I would do it again. Too many players! I don't want to waste time now when I'm looking for a serious relationship. I guess some dating sites are better than others in that regard.

You seem to be doing all the right things in terms of being sociable and getting out there. That is my next step. GirlCrew sounds like an interesting group. I will look out for something similar in my area - Meet Up is a good place to start I guess.

With regards to being 'too old' to start a family. I think if you are physically and emotionally robust then age shouldn't be a barrier, whether it's having a child naturally or by other means (e.g. adoption). I know people have differing views on this, but families come in all shapes and sizes and at the end of the day it's being able to love a child that counts. I struggle with this on a daily basis. But, life is too short for regrets...:eek: