At a crossroads in my life - advice appreciated

Gaia2014

tesuhoha wrote: »

If you start commuting to London you will find that you have a lot less time to socialise, go to the gym etc.

You have a point...

Think I need to fix my mood to be honest (LBM) :wall:

Gaia2014

LilElvis wrote: »

Having a child in your 40's is possible, though the chances of success with your own eggs is declining. This doesn't mean that the door has closed though - egg donation is an option right up to age 50 (I know a twin mummy who had hers at that age). I had my beautiful little girl when I was 43 thanks to an amazing altruistic donor. It wasn't how I envisioned having a child, and not something I was even aware of when I started with IVF, but I really would say no if a magical fairy godmother offered to swap her genes to match mine. I was given a single cell and she is absolutely, 100% my child, the baby I brought into this world. It probably sounds too big a step for you to contemplate now, but it is a choice you can make in the future - an opportunity to fulfil your dream of motherhood. I'm open to PMs if it is ever something you want to explore and have any questions.

Thank you. I wouldn't rule out DE IVF or even adoption. It all comes down to the affordability really. Maybe a few years down the road it will be. I think I will also need to toughen up as there are certain members of my family who feel anyone over 30 is too old to have a child! This would't stop me but I would need to develop very thick skin and be emotionally robust to deal with it... Encouraging to hear your story.

At the moment it's about dealing with the day to day and getting stronger emotionally so that I can 'get out there again'. It all feels a bit pressured at times though and I don't want to make any mistakes out of desperation... :eek:

Gaia2014

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Honestly, London is the best place to be if you're single. Move further out and you'll have commuting-time and commuting-expenses and you'll likely to be surrounded by couples and families. That's not the place to build a good social-life and meet new people, it's where you are right now which will do that.

Having debt doesn't necessarily mean you can't join clubs related to your interests, ask work-colleagues to join you for a coffee or a drink after work or at the weekend. Get out and about. You live in one of the best cities in the world, so make the most of it while you can. I do: I'm single and much older than you.

I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice of the parenthood bit as it's not ever been something I wanted for myself. Maybe there's a nice widower out there or someone divorced or separated who has kids that you could be a nice step-mum to? One of my workmates (20s, single, shares a flat) is a mentor to a young person and gains a huge amount of satisfaction from her relationship with them.

Honestly, it's all out there, you just have to get out and about and find it.

Thanks BitterAndTwisted. I think deep down I know London offers lots of opportunities. I think I've got a touch of 'grass is greener' syndrome in terms of moving away equals happiness. I know it doesn't work that way. I think I've slipped into a low level depression due to a couple of stressful events over the past year or so, which have distorted my vision a little bit. I have a lot going for me in many respects. I just can't see it sometimes.

With regards to socialising. I'm a bit of an introvert (shy) by nature. Conversely I'm the complete opposite at work (can't even work that one out). I am quite sociable with my colleagues outside work, but most of them are coupled up or married with children.

I guess I need to reignite my hobbies (I used to enjoy dancing, going on courses, gym etc). I seem to have lost interest all of things I used to enjoy. Looking back this pattern started as soon as I entered my last relationship (which was a bit of an emotional roller coaster).

I've started seeing counsellor. I'm hoping this will get me back on track. Be nice to get my joie de vivre back. :j

sidefx

Snakey wrote: »

It has never been a better time to be a single, childless woman (assuming you're solvent, that is, and you will be in a year's time). Three hundred years ago you'd have been burned as a witch! Even fifty years ago, marriage and children was "what women did" and if you didn't follow the herd you'd be talked about. Nowadays, more and more households consist of one person living alone, and a large percentage of graduate women don't have children. As one of the few remaining groups who has any spare cash, single professionals have become a target demographic. People are out there trying to work out what we want so that they can provide it for us! So you have plenty of options for what to do next, if the traditional thing doesn't work out for you. You don't have to buy more cats and teach Sunday School, unless it's what you want.

And London is absolutely the place to be - I suspect if you moved out of town the novelty would wear off pretty quickly because suburbia and small-town life is more geared towards traditional family set-ups.

You say you're recently (and presumably unexpectedly) single, well that isn't the best time to be making big decisions. Use the next twelve months to look after yourself and consolidate your position. Lose weight, get fit, join a Zumba class or yoga or whatever's "in" these days, work hard (the economy's picking up so there may be promotions and pay rises about), keep paying off those debts. See how you're feeling this time next year.

I find life gets a lot easier once you let go of the idea that there's a magic solution out there if only you could find it. Thinking that way just leads you to beat yourself up when it turns out it doesn't work like that.

Hat's off to you Snakey, great post :T

Kynthia

You say that you've started seeing a counsellor? I've a friend who's also just started some therapy and bringing up past issues and thinking about difficult things is making her feel worse right now and isn't easy. Hopefully the end result will mean things are better than before and it will be worth it. Could the counselling being affecting your current outlook?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Something I said to one of my mates once when he was stressed, depressed and thinking of chucking it all in and moving away (as he had done several times before in his life), apparently helped him. To me, it was just my usual late night pub conversations with him, but he thought it was important enough to mention later:

'Moving away's all very well. But don't forget, wherever you run to, you've got to take yourself'


If you're not happy with You, it doesn't matter where you go, you're not going to be happy.

Hermoine

When I was a few years older than you and going through a bad time career-wise, I went to a personal coach - very unlike me. And she asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years time, and what could I do now to help get me there. It was something I'd never really thought through before, but has been quite useful ever since.

In your case, its probably not the best time to make any sudden decisions but it might be worth starting to think through longer term plans. Does your work have to be in London, for example? Or would another city with cheaper property prices enable you get on the property ladder more easily, whilst still having a lot to offer you. If that might be possible, then why not spend time over the next year researching various places you might want to live, and seeing whether that makes sense to you. At the very least you might end up having some nice weekends in different places...

And, as a fellow cat-lover, I quite understand that you need to continue living somewhere where your cat can be with you. I re-located back to London in my late 40s. I ended up living in a fairly horrible rented flat mainly because it was the only place that would allow me to keep the cat!

lynsayjane

Hi OP,
My situation isn't quite the same but has similar themes.
I'm 33 and have everything I want in life, bar someone to share it with and a family. Although slightly younger I'm already having these thoughts that I'm too old to have a family. Not just in the getting pregnant but the keeping up with a family side. If I were to get pregnant today I'd be into my 50's by the time they're leaving home. That's not taking into account the time it would take to meet someone, develop a relationship where we both want kids and any time getting pregnant.
What makes it worse is I've tried internet dating to no avail, my latest attempt didn't get me any dates. I don't get chatted up when I'm out with friends and I don't think I've ever been set up by a friend (I wish they did as they'd have some idea of who I'd get on with!) despite all their protestations that I should have someone.
Most of my friends are coupled or kidded so I have difficulty getting out of the house without going by myself. Over the years I've been to the theatre, cinema etc. solo though I find it difficult going out for meals myself.
A few months back I found a group recently started on fb called GirlCrew in my local city. It's all girls looking for other girls as friends from a variety of backgrounds. Some are in our situation of being single and not getting out, there are others new to the area and all sorts. We arrange nights out, cinema trips and are now discussing a weekend away and a park bbq in the summer. The events range from a couple of girls to 17 at one night out and area always good fun. The girls are all really friendly too which makes it even better.
Perhaps looking for something like that in your area would be a good idea, it would surprise you how many others are in the same situation. I've no doubt you're like me and every time you walk down the street every single person you see is part of a couple of pushing a pram. This reminds me I'm not alone.

I echo what others have said that maybe it's not the ideal time for huge life changes. Concentrate on that debt and if you need inspiration start planning what you'll do when it's gone.
Sadly we have no control over whether we ever get to meet someone to spend our life with or if we get to have children but there are a lot of things in life we can control, my best advise is to work out which is which and work on the things that can be controlled.

x

AubreyMac

Having only read the opening post, I can relate to this feeling.

I'm in early 30's (with fertility issues), single and not quite happy in my job. I want to re-train (and accept I may have to start with a low salary) and get a nice partner (where and how I do not know especially as I'm reluctant to do internet).

I do have a few friends and try to go out but now that I have my own flat, whatever we do must be cheap (went for a picnic this weekend for example). My going out has reduced a lot and will reduce again once I decide what I want to re-train in. I honestly don't see how I would ever be in a position to meet someone let alone try for a family in a few years.

FBaby

What I have found in the past was that whatever my issues were at the moment that made me feel was holding me back, mixing/communicating with people who shared similar sorrow at that time really helped.

Have you thought about posting on sites for older women wishing to become a mum? Some might be facing the same dilemma than you in regards to cost/savings.

You say that the worse is comparing yourself to others, and indeed, there is nothing worse to feel inadequate, however, comparing yourself with people who are facing exactly the same difficulties brings a feeling of optimism and togetherness.