At a crossroads in my life - advice appreciated

Gaia2014

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is the best place to post, but it's as good as any I guess.
My problem is this. I've found myself recently single in my early 40's and I'm also struggling with the idea that I may never have a biological child (age being the main factor here). I have tried IVF once but unfortunately it wasn't successful (probably not the right time).

I'm also paying off my debts - 1 year to go and then they're gone :j

What I really struggle with is the fact I'm not where I'd like to be in life and whilst I'm more fortunate that many in terms of having a good job, a roof over my head etc, I find it hard to go out and meet people (probably due to my mood).

So, life seems to be about work and that's pretty much it. I'm also living in London, which is fine if you're in a relationship, but not so great if you're not. So I'd like to move out, but that would mean forking out for a season ticket to and from work (I like my job and I think I would be a fool to quit). I can afford to cover the cost of living etc, but don't have much left for a rainy day and to put towards my future. This scares me. I'm on a fairly decent salary, but I also have debts. Thus most of my spare cash goes towards paying these off.

I've started to isolate myself from people because my self-esteem is quite low due to my circumstances. I've started counselling to address this (ironically I am confident at work, just not outside!)...

I spend my spare time trying to problem-solve a solution, but constantly seem to face a brick wall, usually due to financial constraints and to be honest I just feel like I am treading water, not helped by the fact that most of my friends are now coupled up or have families. I feel left behind and would do anything for a family life... I think if I was younger I may not feel the pressure so much.

Can anybody relate to this/in a similar situation/ offer any wise words? I don't want my life to solely revolve around work. But, I'm finding it really hard to pick myself up and get out there.

VfM4meplse

OP, you're going through such turmoil you can't see the wood for the trees. I think you're someone who analyses situations but probably are less successful when it comes to putting plans into action. Ask yourself two questions:

1) What is the quickest / easiest fix?
2) what is the biggest issue for you?

Solve #1 to give yourself an immediate confidence boost, and then start addressing #2 - but whatever you do, implement the solution. The move onto the next, and the next....suddenly it will all fall into place.

missbiggles1

Why not wait a year until your debts are repaid which will give you more options?

Gaia2014

VfM4meplse wrote: »

OP, you're going through such turmoil you can't see the wood for the trees. I think you're someone who analyses situations but probably are less successful when it comes to putting plans into action. Ask yourself two questions:

1) What is the quickest / easiest fix?
2) what is the biggest issue for you?

Solve #1 to give yourself an immediate confidence boost, and then start addressing #2 - but whatever you do, implement the solution. The move onto the next, and the next....suddenly it will all fall into place.

Thanks for replying to my post. The quickest/easiest fix would to be pay off my debts quicker, but that would involve downsizing (maybe to a house share). I have a cat, which makes things slightly more difficult and the cat stays (much to the bemusement of friends and non pet owners). So I guess you could say the latter is one of the biggest issues. That said, downsizing would only reduce my rent outlay marginally because I have a very good deal where I am currently. So I think the solution would be to ride it out for a year whilst I'm paying off the debts and develop some coping strategies in the mean time (counselling being one of them - although I don't regard that as a long term solution)...

You're got me to a tee by the way. I am quite analytical and yes I am in turmoil, with a bit of panic thrown in to the mix and I am possibly a bit of a procrastinator. That said, I haven't always been, born by past experiences I think.

Gaia2014

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Why not wait a year until your debts are repaid which will give you more options?

Hi missbiggles1,

Yes that was my original plan. But, I'm having trouble coping with the here and now, which has led me to short term counselling. I'm worried about the future mainly and my lack of savings etc... Like I said earlier, if I was younger I don't think I would be panicking so much.

For example, I'm worried about affording rent in my retirement on a pension if I don't manage to get on the property ladder before I'm 50. It scares me sometimes. Some people put so much emphasis on property ownership these days, it's hard not to be influenced sometimes. I know I'm catastrophising here and a lot can change in 25 years. I just don't know anybody in my immediate circle of friends who is in my situation at 40 plus. I know things could be a lot worse and I'm grateful for that.

Thank you for your reply. Coping strategies is what is needed here I think...:o

Snakey

It has never been a better time to be a single, childless woman (assuming you're solvent, that is, and you will be in a year's time). Three hundred years ago you'd have been burned as a witch! Even fifty years ago, marriage and children was "what women did" and if you didn't follow the herd you'd be talked about. Nowadays, more and more households consist of one person living alone, and a large percentage of graduate women don't have children. As one of the few remaining groups who has any spare cash, single professionals have become a target demographic. People are out there trying to work out what we want so that they can provide it for us! So you have plenty of options for what to do next, if the traditional thing doesn't work out for you. You don't have to buy more cats and teach Sunday School, unless it's what you want.

And London is absolutely the place to be - I suspect if you moved out of town the novelty would wear off pretty quickly because suburbia and small-town life is more geared towards traditional family set-ups.

You say you're recently (and presumably unexpectedly) single, well that isn't the best time to be making big decisions. Use the next twelve months to look after yourself and consolidate your position. Lose weight, get fit, join a Zumba class or yoga or whatever's "in" these days, work hard (the economy's picking up so there may be promotions and pay rises about), keep paying off those debts. See how you're feeling this time next year.

I find life gets a lot easier once you let go of the idea that there's a magic solution out there if only you could find it. Thinking that way just leads you to beat yourself up when it turns out it doesn't work like that.

Gaia2014

Snakey wrote: »

It has never been a better time to be a single, childless woman (assuming you're solvent, that is, and you will be in a year's time). Three hundred years ago you'd have been burned as a witch! Even fifty years ago, marriage and children was "what women did" and if you didn't follow the herd you'd be talked about. Nowadays, more and more households consist of one person living alone, and a large percentage of graduate women don't have children. As one of the few remaining groups who has any spare cash, single professionals have become a target demographic. People are out there trying to work out what we want so that they can provide it for us! So you have plenty of options for what to do next, if the traditional thing doesn't work out for you. You don't have to buy more cats and teach Sunday School, unless it's what you want.

And London is absolutely the place to be - I suspect if you moved out of town the novelty would wear off pretty quickly because suburbia and small-town life is more geared towards traditional family set-ups.

You say you're recently (and presumably unexpectedly) single, well that isn't the best time to be making big decisions. Use the next twelve months to look after yourself and consolidate your position. Lose weight, get fit, join a Zumba class or yoga or whatever's "in" these days, work hard (the economy's picking up so there may be promotions and pay rises about), keep paying off those debts. See how you're feeling this time next year.

I find life gets a lot easier once you let go of the idea that there's a magic solution out there if only you could find it. Thinking that way just leads you to beat yourself up when it turns out it doesn't work like that.

Thanks for your perspective. It all makes perfect sense. When I say recently single I meant a year ago... so I guess I should be starting to move on now.

I am sure I will feel better next year and hopefully I will meet somebody when the time is right. I think one of the best ways of coping is to come off social media and meet people in the traditional manner and I don't intend to buy any more cats and becoming a Sunday school teacher in the meantime :rotfl:

I'm just on a bit of a 'downer'. I will reach a point where I pick myself up again (I aways do). I also need to stop comparing myself to others because that is a slippery slope.

tesuhoha

If you start commuting to London you will find that you have a lot less time to socialise, go to the gym etc.

VfM4meplse

Gaia2014 wrote: »

Thanks for your perspective. It all makes perfect sense. When I say recently single I meant a year ago... so I guess I should be starting to move on now.

Too right, you've spent enough time grieving over the relationship given how much in your life you would like to change. Any more time spent in this fashion will be a waste, it might be comfortable for you but it's holding you back from the serious business of living. A life not enjoyed is a life wasted.

LilElvis

Having a child in your 40's is possible, though the chances of success with your own eggs is declining. This doesn't mean that the door has closed though - egg donation is an option right up to age 50 (I know a twin mummy who had hers at that age). I had my beautiful little girl when I was 43 thanks to an amazing altruistic donor. It wasn't how I envisioned having a child, and not something I was even aware of when I started with IVF, but I really would say no if a magical fairy godmother offered to swap her genes to match mine. I was given a single cell and she is absolutely, 100% my child, the baby I brought into this world. It probably sounds too big a step for you to contemplate now, but it is a choice you can make in the future - an opportunity to fulfil your dream of motherhood. I'm open to PMs if it is ever something you want to explore and have any questions.

BitterAndTwisted

Honestly, London is the best place to be if you're single. Move further out and you'll have commuting-time and commuting-expenses and you'll likely to be surrounded by couples and families. That's not the place to build a good social-life and meet new people, it's where you are right now which will do that.

Having debt doesn't necessarily mean you can't join clubs related to your interests, ask work-colleagues to join you for a coffee or a drink after work or at the weekend. Get out and about. You live in one of the best cities in the world, so make the most of it while you can. I do: I'm single and much older than you.

I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice of the parenthood bit as it's not ever been something I wanted for myself. Maybe there's a nice widower out there or someone divorced or separated who has kids that you could be a nice step-mum to? One of my workmates (20s, single, shares a flat) is a mentor to a young person and gains a huge amount of satisfaction from her relationship with them.

Honestly, it's all out there, you just have to get out and about and find it.