Family problems....how do you cope?

duchy

Just learn to say no
"Oh dear - We have made others plans and won't be home that day -so lets make it (your day of choice) instead."

"No that doesn't suit us" (Or if that is too scary)

"That's a nice idea- let me check if we are free that day and I'll get back to you"

No-one can "make you" do stuff you don't want to do -When they say "jump" you are doing it. Yes you changing will be a bit bumpy at first - but ultimately they need to learn to fit in with your lives if they want to be a part of it.

(It helps if you are never reliant on them for childcare though)

TBagpuss

It is really, really, hard to change, particularly when you have years of 'bad' habits to try to break, and when they will undoubtably try to paint you are the one who is being unreasonable or 'mean'.

You can't make them change how they behave,. You can only change how you behave, and how you respond to their behaviour. That *may* result in them making changes, but it may not - that part you can't control.

Right now, there is no incentive for them to change their behaviour because it is working (for them). They get what they want.

So, you change your response, so that they are not rewarded for behaving badly.

So, if they organise something without telling/asking you first, your response is "I'm afraid that won't be possible. It's best if you ask me before you make plans involving me or the children, to avoid disappointment" then 'rinse and repeat' - in other words, your response doesn't change no matter what tactics they try to use to change you mind.

so if you get "But we told little Timmy thins was what would happen, you don't want to disappoint him, do you?" your response is "It's best of you ask me before you make plans involving me or the children, to avoid disappointment."

"You're stopping us from seeing our geandhild, how can you do that?" your reply is "It's best of you ask me before you make plans involving me or the children, to avoid disappointment."

You can also bear in mind that you do no owe them an explanation - you don't have to justify or explain your decision, and in dealing with people who will steamroller you it may be better not to explain, as they are likely to see it as either excuses, or problems to be solved (e.g. if you say "that's not possible because I have other plans" and tell them what those plans are, they may see that as a cue to start trying to convince you that your plans can be adapted, or moved, or changed, to fit with what they want.

"No" is a complete sentence.

"That won't be possible" is also a good phrase. You don't have to explain why it won't be possible (so you don't give them any openings to try to convince you to go along with their plans, or to argue with you about whether your reasons are 'good enough'

So far as their manipulation of your children is concerned it may be that you need to have one very blunt conversation with them about this, and make absolutely clear that they are not to make any arrangements with the children directly.

You can also explain this to the children - you don't have to tell them that their grandparents are boundary-trampling bullies with no respect for you, you can simply explain that, just as they can't go to a friend's house for tea unless they check wit you first, and that sometimes it might no be possible if you have other plans or commitments, the same is true about things granny and grandpa suggest.

Re-frame what they say as a suggestion :
(so if your son comes back saying "Granny says we're going to hers on my birthday for a meal" you respond "That's an interesting suggestion. We'll have to check what else we have planned and see whether that is possible" - in other words, you teach by your reaction and example that this is an invitation, not a summons or a done deal.

And yes, there will undoubtably be some instances when someone is disappointed, but better to deal with a disappointed child once or twice, than to continue in this unhealthy cycle.

And if you *do* have a disappointed child, then tell you mum. "I've asked you before not to make plans involving my family without consulting me. [Child] was upset that you told him he would be [doing whatever] when that had not been arranged and isn't possible. It's unkind of you to make him promises you can't keep. I have explained to you before that you need to speak to me, not to the children, about arrangements which involve my family."

In the short term you may need to think about reducing the time the children spend with them, except when you are there, so that you can jump in straight away and say "no, that's not what is planned"

You may find it helpful to have a 'go to' phrase so you don't feel pushed into making decisions on the spot - so if they suggest/order something your response is "I'll have to check and get back to you", which buys you some breathing space (Particularly if you decide ahead of time that if they push when given that answer your response is "Well, if you need an answer right now, it will have to be 'no' as I haven't had time to check.

It will be very hard, particularly to start with as they will use all the techniques of guilt-tripping or pressuring you which have worked for them in the past, but if you can keep it up then they will either get past it, and learn that they won't get what they want, and you can relax into a more flexible arrangements, or they won't , in which case backing away and cutting them out of your life may be the only way forward.

I think you said you have a partner now? talk to them, agree on how you will deal with this, and back each other up.

Regarding the birthday meal, if that comes up again, ignore their plans.tell your child - 'Granny made a mistake, your Birthday meal is going to be (whatever your plan is)'. The New Year thing - to them, you say "No, we are not coming out with you. I have made plans, and I am not changing them" And if they turn up, you simply don't answer the door. Or if you know they are going to show at 7 O'Clock, you decide that your plans involve taking the kids out to McDonalds as a treat. At 6:30.

Good Luck