Family problems....how do you cope?

Mojisola

Skintandscared wrote: »

My pet peeve though is being "obligated" to do things - for example, being FORCED to spend NYE with them! Or every time we have my children's birthday, they try and change it to suit them!

Unless they kidnap you, you aren't forced to spend time with them. You may be giving in to pressure but that's your choice.

moomoomama27

I've just cut the one family member off that has been emotionally abusing me for years.

It was a hard decision, but after years and years of allowing her to control my every decision, I have finally broken free and it is a wonderful feeling, we are self sufficient in life, and I don't rely on anyone fir childcare, finances or even babysitting in the evenings, so it was no great deal as far as practicalities go!!

REEN

When you have the house to yourself, imagine them sitting in your living room and tell them exactly what you think of them! Works surprisingly well, clears the air without offending anyone.

Take time out to go outside and look at the stars, very calming and puts things in perspective.

Only temporary fixes I know but may help.

POPPYOSCAR

I will never understand why family think they can treat family whatever way they like and somehow it is acceptable.


Cut yourself free, it is the lesser of the two evils.

BigAunty

A sibling of mine somehow decided to appoint themselves as head of the household and demand to know why I don't seem to keep in touch with the family, what had they done to deserve this, what had they done to me, etc. I just don't respond. I'm not actually estranged from my family and think his intervention is bizarre. I just don't get sucked into that kind of stuff.

Again, another close relative was extremely rude to me, putting the phone down on me because they didn't approve of my engagement, followed by trying to interfere with my wedding guest list. I just stopped calling them and invited precisely who I liked.

I don't know why I can shrug this stuff off but I do. It's the same at work - it doesn't matter how political and toxic or factional colleagues can be, I just don't get involved.

Skintandscared

Mojisola wrote: »

Unless they kidnap you, you aren't forced to spend time with them. You may be giving in to pressure but that's your choice.

Let me give you some background to this:

They had told my 9 year old (behind my back, without my consent!!) that they were having his birthday meal on that day (his birthday was a few days prior to this), and made out that we all had to be there. If I had not attended, my son would've been devastated. So what should I of done?
Do I tell my son, that his grandparents are selfish pigs?? Or go along with plans, upsetting myself, my OH and basically going along with someone else's plans?

I chose the latter, as my son's feelings are more important to me. Yes, I may look weak to some, and do you know what - I am!
I have told them a firm, emphatic "NO!" so many times, and they literally will not listen to me. They always do the old "We'll take the kids if you don't want to go" chestnut - Yeah, fab, I'll spend NYE on my own, minus my children - lovely!!

It is a really horrible situation of not wanting to hurt anyone, but these people just DO NOT understand mine and my families boundaries....:(

Mojisola

Skintandscared wrote: »

They had told my 9 year old (behind my back, without my consent!!) that they were having his birthday meal on that day (his birthday was a few days prior to this), and made out that we all had to be there. If I had not attended, my son would've been devastated. So what should I of done?

Do I tell my son, that his grandparents are selfish pigs?? Or go along with plans, upsetting myself, my OH and basically going along with someone else's plans?

But that was your choice!

I think I would have told my son that the grandparents had mixed up the dates and we were going to celebrate his birthday on another day (and organised by us, his parents).

If you don't want your children to have their lives manipulated by the grandparents even when they are adults, you need to work out how to stand up to them and teach your children how to handle manipulative people. Their grandparents won't be the only ones they come across during their lives - give them the tools to cope.

Skintandscared

Mojisola wrote: »

But that was your choice!

I think I would have told my son that the grandparents had mixed up the dates and we were going to celebrate his birthday on another day (and organised by us, his parents).

If you don't want your children to have their lives manipulated by the grandparents even when they are adults, you need to work out how to stand up to them and teach your children how to handle manipulative people. Their grandparents won't be the only ones they come across during their lives - give them the tools to cope.

No, they did it in such a way that they TOLD my son that they would be there to pick him up at such and such a time on NYE, REGARDLESS of whether we were going. So all-in-all, I felt like I had no choice in the matter (back then!!), and maybe to an outsider reading this it seems more "black and white", but trust me when you are in the situation (and a lot is being done behind your back, so you're finding out an hour before X is happening) it is not as simple as "Just say no".
Writing this thread, was obviously a step in finding a firm, but fair, approach to saying no, without causing hurt to any parties involved. I am slowly going down this route, but it might seem a simple situation when you read it, but it is incredibly complex (don't want to go into too much detail, as it may identify who I am).

Skintandscared

By the way, also a big thank you to some of the suggestions above - they have been both helpful, practical and given me some great food for thought! :-) x

Skintandscared

Pps Also another family drama (aimed at me) has been invoked on Facebook a few minutes ago - I have been the bigger person, deactivated my account (saves me the getting annoyed!lol), and not risen too it....
Why don't people just text you and say "Let's be civil, but we'll never be best pals" and leave it there...? Why all those stupid Facebook memes...??

The day is far too sunny to be worrying about Facebook drama! :-D