Feeling uneasy

[simon]

Basically dated a girl from a dating site,

She was, shy, quiet a d had hardly done anything in life, she was new to everything, she had hardly any friends Ether, but what she did want as a serious relationship, she had only slept with one guy and didnt like how he used her.

She told me that she was looking to try new things and come out of her comfort zone. She was 25 years old and had part time job.

We dated for a year, although the distance was about 45 mins away we travelled and tuck it in turns to visit each other.

She seemed very strainge to me, very socially owkward. I thought she will come out of her shell in time. It turns out she has learning dissabilities.

Over time the relationship quickly started to become all about sex, just sex, she didnt seem to want to do anything else anymore, i use to take her out for walks and wanted to go new places. But she just seemed bored unless we was sleeping together.

After a while i sugested she move in to a appartment as she wanted to be inderpendent, she moved in a appartment at her end. I thought it would do her good to live alone and be a bit more inderpendnent.

The plan was her to move over here with me in time.

Few months in her appartment and she starts getting distant.

We fell out and i ended the relation ship after 1 year n half. A week later shes on some dating site, a fast pace one, more like a place to hook up just for sex and one night stands. A free dating site.

Turns out she been chatting to guys, meeting them with in hours, inviting them to her appartment, or going to there houses for night and coming home at 8am.

She told me shes never had as much attention in her life,mshe loves the company, loves the sex and its great, she doesnt want me back, she does t want a relationship anymore, then she said she didnt even know what she wants, shes just seeing what Happends.

The worst thing is she has put on her dating profile that she has learning difficulties, a great opertunity for any guy to use, abuse ect. She doesnt use any protection ether, she thinks condoms are just to stop u getting preg, and she has inplant.

Ive explained the risks to her and her family. No one seems to be bothered really.

She says its making her get to know new people and inproving ner confidence ect...

I carnt help but think that this must be damaging emotionally, she might feel good now but it is not safe, she doesnt know who these people are and she thinks its exciting...

From a girl who wanted a good guy and relationship to a girl who is sleeping around and loves the attention wittout knowing the real danger she is putting her self in. Shes not a good for saying no means no, she will be easily over powered buy any guy who want to do what ever he wants.

She doesnt come on to anyone, she will just hang out with guys, watch tv and chat. If they toutch her and do what they want she just lets them. She doesnt make any first moves, she just lets them do what they want. And she thinks its good fun.

Shes doing this to get friends, company ect. I dont really think she enjoys the sex. But she lets them do it so that they will hang around with her. And she has people to talk to and hang around with.

I have explained the danger to her and her fam and walked away....

I feel she needs support as she has learning diffictuly and also help with making positive progress with her confidence ect in the right way.

It hurts me, but i carnt do anything more

Grumpygit

It's hard but you can't help someone if they won't help themself.

You have done what you can in terms of being there, talking to both her and her family but I think that now is the time to walk away and stay away.

Don't get trapped into feeling guilty now or later (if she comes to you with a hard luck story in the coming weeks or months).

You're right int hat she may need support to sort her life out and understand what she is doing may not be right or what you think is right (for her), but she is not your problem anymore.

I know that it sounds harsh, but she is manipulating you by telling you what she is up to - you really need to stay away for your own sanity.

j.e.j.

I agree with Grumpygit, - you need to try and move on.

What she does is up to her, and unless her learning disabilities are such that she can't make decisions for herself there's not much you can do about it.

Leave her to it. Get on with the rest of your life and try and find a relationship where you're equals rather than you having to look after the other person.

fairy_lights

I don't see what you can do really, learning difficulties or not, she is an adult and free to decide for herself how she lives.
A lot of your assumptions about her life e.g. that she doesn't enjoy sex, is only doing it for company etc could be completely unfounded.
You have said that when she was in a relationship with you she was only interested in sex which suggests that she is enjoying what she's doing.
You've explained your fears to her and her family, presumably they have her best interests at heart too and would step in if they were seriously worried about her.

marisco_2

Your friend will work out in time what works for her. I hope her decisions wont lead to anything that she ultimately regrets. You have done all that you can to try to help. Time to move forward now and focus on your own future.

DigForVictory

Simon, I'd feel uneasy too, but until she's actually breaking rules (telling you she's pregnant & it's yours, for example) then, heartbreakingly, you can only step back.

Which is a howling shame as she's blundering around trashing the future you two maybe could have had, & that can only hurt you now & her time future.

Has she any friends who could advise her to edit her profile a bit? As I agree with your perception that the learning difficulties admission, whilst courageous, may backfire. However, she is not your responsibility - she's her own woman, no matter how much her behaviour worries you. If her family are prepared to shrug now, then they can pick up the pieces later.

maman

I think you've done just about all you can.


I have to admit I know very little about dating sites but might you be able to contact them and draw their attention to what she's put in her profile? It seems that she's vulnerable and not fully understanding what's going on.

Errata

You seem to know an awful lot about what your ex is up to, even as far as condom use. Why is that?

VfM4meplse

V strange post, an odd way to describe someone you have been close to for 18 months.

Where the heck are her parents? Have they absolved themselves of any responsibility to her? (See my signature for clarification of my view).

[simon]

This all came out when i was in the appartment with her trying to sort out and make up after an argument we had which we was split for 1 and half weeks.

I asked her if she uses protection, she said no, she lets the guy take control of everything. She has no in put on sex. She just lets them do it, she was the same with me. Nshe said she just enjoyes the company and attention. Shes never had this attention till now, on this dating site, full of guys wanting one thing.

I had a meeting with her parents and herself, her pqrents are catholic, full on catholic, but she is not, her parents dont and wont give any opinion or judgement, they just listen and ask questions such as are you happy doin this, is it right for you ect and she just says yeah she loves it.

I feel like am talking to a brick wall when i mention the danger, her parents just ask me to put the situation behind me and lets try moe forward from it, but we carnt because its on going, shes still doing it now !

Her parents live close by, ive asked them to take their daughter back home, now ! So she can be safe, and they refused, saying they have used her bedroom for storage now !!

The parents suggested i let there daughter carry on and figger out for her self if shes doing the rite thing or not, thats not the point though, by then the damage could be done.

Her parents dont know what the dating site is like, nor have they edited or suggested there daugher edit her profile and take out the bit about learning difficulties, which i explained to them numorous times.

Her parents then suggested their daughter take a week beeak from communication from the dating website and from the guys she seen already and use time to think about things. They made her text the guys in front of me saying she was going on holiday for a week and wont have signal on phone.

They also sugested she have a week break from talking to me as well.

I have since made an account of my own on the dating site to check the sattus of my ex, shes still using the web site, as it says shes been on line in last few hours, so she obviously is not using the time to be on a break and think.

pendragon_arther

Why are you still fixated with her? You need to move on, matey.