Pollgarter's plans to clear up her garden

Pollygarter

Ah thanks Bob.

That sounds quite useful doesn't it. We do have to stay right here right now and not wander about too much in the past or worry about the future so much that it paralyses our present.

It's funny how when my debts were high I just didn't think about them or worry about getting out of debt at all. Occasionally I might feel a bit grumpy that the overdraft limit was so close that I couldn't buy something but generally I didn't even look. Absolute negligent plenty was the order of the day on two incomes.

Now I am very aware of every penny and sometimes the worry of balancing the books and making provision for expenses to come gets me down. I am hoping this is a stage as I transition from spendthrift to thriftmeister!

Years ago on some dull management training I remember studying The Wheel of Competence. Sounds like something you get strapped to for swift correction, like a treadmill! In reality it looked at what it called the four quadrants of gaining competence in anything. The first quadrant, or slice of the pie is unconscious incompetence. Here you have no idea about something,say bagpipe playing. You don't know what it involves, it looks easy when others do it and you don't think about how you might do it. Then you decide to learn. And oh my. Here the trouble starts. It's hard, impossible even. You get one note right and twenty wrong. Your hands hurt, your head hurts, this is awful and you want to stop right now. And lots of people do. This is conscious incompetence. Now you know what you don't know and boy it hurts. We hate this. We are a beginner and we don't feel like we will ever get better.

Then we start to get better. We find a teacher, a book, whatever works for us. We practice. We practice a lot. And slowly slowly we start to be able to do this thing. This is conscious competence. There are a few wobbles and fallings over but generally we are starting to get the hang of this. We are very aware of each step.

Finally we get to the stage of picking up the pipes and banging out Mull of Kintyre or whatever without even thinking about it. Driving is like this. This is where you have mastered your skill and it feels good. Unconscious competence.

Well with financial management I am at quadrant two. Consciously incompetent. So of course it hurts. And if I keep on reading and working, learning to look into the future and build in the "unexpected" costs which are entirely predictable then I will get more competent at budgeting. And the side effect of that will be no debt, a safety net pot for the truly unexpected costs and steady progress on building some financial security for retirement.

We just have to keep on going. Fall down nine times. Get up ten. Onwards!

Bobarella

What a great way of explaining things!!

Pollygarter

Hello diary!

Well I've been AWOL but not because I've fallen off the wagon and gone back to spendthrifting. No, no, no. I am feeling the lure of travel and pretty things but I am focussed on the necessaries.

I am in the middle of transition time. House purchase isn't definite yet, and in the last couple of weeks I hope running up to exchange and I have got my funds in order to afford everything. This has involved pulling right back on my debt repayment. Which has upset me as it was such a focus but in reality I simply cannot move house, do the kids summer holidays in the west country, buy bus passes and new uniform over the next couple of months and expect to reduce my debt! I will be doing my darnedest not to increase it.

I had a moment on Friday when an envelope I had been waiting for some time arrived.

Many years ago, 15 actually, I set up a small savings plan to last those 15 years which had life assurance attached to it. And which could not be cancelled before maturity without losing all the payments. My ex would cancel any savings I tried to make as he said it was pointless saving at 2% whilst paying for debt at 15%. Which is true but I could never ever stop there being an overdraft. Even if I cut back, he spent more. So I joined him. The savings plan he hated. He was furious I had done it. But I did. And when this lovely cheque arrived which is exactly the right amount to pay the stamp duty and legal costs of the move I sat in the sunshine looking at it and had a little cry and then a very big smile at how wonderful it was that my past self has looked after my future self.

And thought that's it. By not taking more than you need now, and with a little prudence, you really do take care of your future.

So I keep on mapping out and budgeting for these very expensive couple of months. And plan to slide into my new home by the skin of my teeth with nothing to spare cashwise.

Please let it happen.

Orange_Ena

Hi Polly

I've just read your diary from the start. I love your style of writing and it comes across how resilient you are in what you say. I loved your little thing about your past self looking after your present self.......I welled up a bit then. Good luck with the move, hope everything goes to plan.

I'm cheering you on :j

Pollygarter

Hi Orange Ena (love that name), Bobarella and your plugging away and anybody else reading.

Thanks for kind words and am very touched if anyone finds anything here that helps them too.

Well, these last few days I have been home alone. Children away with their dad and the lady I ended my marriage over. In a house which is about to go. Having a small unsuccessful outpatient surgery which means i have to go under anaesthetic and the knife properly. Failing to do some of the essential packing up as I have been sat in a hole feeling jolly blimmin sorry for myself.

These habits of procrastination and self pity. Well they're not working for me! How is that I can see what is to be done, I feel happier alone than in that deeply troubled marriage and yet I still sit here stewing. Work always makes me feel better. And yet I am not working. Why am I struggling not to just welcome the opportunity to let it all slide away and step into my new home which will bring with it the divorce, a break and a fresh start. You'd think I'd be jumping at it. I am in my heart and mind yet these feet are dragging and I want to be helped and sorted. And nobody is there to do that. Nobody but me. Am I that incapable? These last few days say yes I am.

I am away from tomorrow. Collect my children and go to surf and eat pasties. That will fill me with new energy. Enough I hope to come back and Do The Work of the move.

My finances look good. This is my end of the month check in. Debt will rise again sharply next month as I have funds put aside for the move and actually in credit currently! Yes I am in credit. It looks lovely but it will all be gone on stamp duty and legal fees etc so I don't even think of it as mine. It's impossible to see what is my true debt picture currently. I did pay off £340 to credit cards in the month so that is a small step forward.

Many times I have thought this is my darkness before the dawn. It is about to get lighter, here comes a joyful future! Well, It seems that just like the day comes around again and again and again, and thank God it is so, it is the same cycle with my darkness. Nothing to do but go on. X

Bobarella

Morning Polly
Sorry to hear you have to have an operation. That must be a worry. You don't need more of those.
My family are also away for 3 days at my husbands family. I can't as I have the shop to run but I'm glad they are having a good time. I hope you will enjoy seeing yours, surfing sounds great fun.

I can imagine how nice it is seeing the figures in the bank looking positive and how it must feel galling to have to pay that out again. But the way you have described your lovely new home with wood burner etc must be a comfort to have in place now?

This is the last big pay out before you get it all under control. Really hope you can find the good in that.

Sending positive thoughts!

Bob

Pollygarter

Hello Spendy dairy! Hello all!

Well yesterday was a good good day. Exchanged! I now complete on Wednesday next week.

My finances are in order to hand over the stamp duty and all the legal costs. And in a week's time I will be moved and....And. And get this: MORTGAGE FREE.

I know right. The big Edwardian home will be gone. I remember when we first bought it, I used to sit on the front door step looking down the long flower edged path to the front gate, smoking a fag (the old habit now long gone, 14 years gone). I used to think to myself how did we manage this!!!

I had an excellent job in the City at one time and a fierce little Irish boss. He used to curse at me out of one side of his mouth whilst smoking constantly with a fag wedged in the other side. His desk and everywhere were littered with papers and ash. He was fiercely clever and he got things done in short order.

One day whilst loading me with tasks and orders, he said "Have you bought your house yet then Mrs?". No I said. " Well !!!!!!! gerron with it. This is the cheapest they will ever be. And you know I'm right". So I did.

My boyfriend, later the reckess spendy husband and now the soon to be ex, was dead against it. It would tie him down. I pointed out he had a grand piano that tied him down. At least if we owned a house you could let it with the grand piano in situ rather than have to get it a home if you left a rental.

So we bought our first home in a deeply unfashionable cheap area in south London in the depths of a property recession. I loved it there, and loved my neighbours. That area became deeply fashionable and as a result a big home was affordable with a stonking great mortgage. And of course now those tiny London homes are going for more than the big house in the sticks! I am fortunate, I know.

We added to the mortgage over the Spendy Years but again, the location is good and it has gone for a good price and there is sufficient for me to have a modest home Mortgage Free. And for my ex to have a decent chunk too.

So I am nearly there. And it feels so good to be exchanged. The emotional strain of the last few weeks and months has been extreme.

There is still the physical work of packing up the home and shifting and letting go and sorting. This is a huge undertaking but a lot has been done and now I have a real focus rather than being in limbo for so long. Property chains collapse all the time, I had no illusions that it was a certainty til everyone was signed up. Now we are.

There are a few quid left for removals. Not enough for an easy Pickford's type do so it will be a Luton van and a couple of men supported by my big sons.

Then I have the remaining debt to sort. It hasn't increased but it hasn't shifted whilst I've been spending out. See how I go with that. I have reduced our family spending so much and live simply now. See how the new budget in the new home works out.

There is next to nothing for retirement. And not a penny in savings. That is my next target. I really am staring at an old age on a tin of sardines and a half dry loaf from the reduced shelf if I don't tackle that fast.

I have no doubt there will be plenty more trouble coming, but today is a good day. Today is a very good day.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Congratulations on your move and I so admire your determination to turn your life around. As you so very acutely observe our troubles and our joys do keep coming around again all we ca do is keep on facing them. Good luck

Orange_Ena

Congratulations on your new home and becoming mortgage free. That's fantastic. I'm sure once you've moved and settled in you'll be able to focus on the other money issues.

Pollygarter

Hi Spendy Diary!

I've moved, got rid of so much junk, had surgery and a general anaesthetic, managed a convalescence in Crete for £225 with a girlfriend, taken kids away on a big birthday trip, and lo and behold my debt has started to drift upwards.

No surprises there! I had some extra cash from the move set aside for the expenses and haven't adjusted to spending less again. I thought I'd learned my lesson but it obviously needs reinforcing. My debt has only gone up 150/quid. And I do have a small emergency pot, but we all need one of those. I never did, but now I do. So its time to sort that debt out. It's all on 0℅ but that's not free forever so I need to pay it down.

Debts at 1.11
Santander card £1430. 0℅ to May 16
Halifax £1250. 0℅ to Dec 15
Nationwide £3325. 0℅ to Dec 16
Total £6005

Time to ebay, make do n mend, make lunches, generally cut my cloth more closely to get that paid.