Marriage in trouble over money

3plus1

He's put you in a horrendous position.

Do you love him? And do you honestly think he loves you? I mean, regardless of your feelings towards him, I have to question how someone could claim to be in love with someone and keep such huge secrets and for so long. Is your marriage worth fighting for? Is it really?

You talk about your dreams of settling down together properly and raising a family - bearing in mind that your husband has all of these debts and obligations and that he is not taking any action to deal with them - would you be happy if those dreams came to nothing? Are they just dreams of children, or are they specifically dreams of children with him? Could you trust him as the father of your children, now knowing what he's been up to behind your back?

I understand that your husband has obligations to his previous family. It's not ideal, but it's understandable. What is NOT, however, is that he lied to you. We're not just talking a few white lies, we're talking some pretty serious ones and over a period of many years.

In your situation, I would take margaretclare's advice. I really would. I think everyone here is probably secretly rooting for you to get out and find something better.

But do remember that at the end of the day, it's up to you if you want to stick with this man. If you think you can work together to sort things out and make a go of everything, your friends and family will still support you. The most important thing is your happiness - if you honestly think you can regain that with your husband, hey, you know best. From an objective point of view though, it seems unlikely.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Take care.

margaretclare

JennaLee, you mention that some of us are older, some are mothers. I'm a mother, a stepmother, a grandmother and a step-grandmother. Heaven help me, I could even be a great-grandmother if my eldest granddaughter wasn't gay. I'm going to be 72 tomorrow. I've had a busy professional career and there ain't much I haven't seen or heard of in all those years and 2 marriages.

Your parents could see what you couldn't see, because your eyes were blinded by those 'rose-coloured spectacles'. You're not the first and won't be the last! Speaking personally, I would be absolutely gutted if I felt that any of mine didn't feel they could come to me for help and support of whatever kind.

I recently had this experience. We were on our way to have a picnic in celebration of my finishing GCSE Maths exams. On the way I fell over and - it was eventually discovered - had fractured my pelvis. We were still in the car going into London when the phone rang - it was my surviving daughter. She was on her lunch-break and obviously, wanted to talk. After my husband had told her my problems, I said 'and what about you?' Now, my eldest daughter is one tough cookie. She's highly intelligent, feisty, courageous, articulate, streetwise - and she burst into tears. Problems with her boss, again, and aggro about the time off she's going to need for her part-time degree course this autumn. It takes a heck of a lot to make her dissolve into tears, and this is what shook me rigid. We talked, both then and later. And do you know what I felt? Intensely gratified that, as a mature woman with a busy career and a family of her own, she felt that she could come to me and talk, just let it all out, and be listened to. There's not a darned thing I can do about her boss etc, but she found it immensely helpful just to talk to me. And I felt warmed and glad that she did.

Does that help to explain how your parents may feel?

With very best wishes

Margaret

PS: I agree with Karrie above. Don't think I wouldn't - I did it, way back in 1957, when things were not as I thought they were going to be. Married in February and back home starting on a new career in August!

Karrie

JennaLee - how are you? Have you made any decisions?

calleyw

Curious_George wrote: »

if she had a second card on one of his accounts, the bank didnt care for the fact she had never so much as seen a statement, her name was on it... she owed it.

If you are talking about credit cards then that is not true. It is only the person named on statement.

I was told this by a bank 18 months ago. I signed up for a joint credit card with my husband. And I was told that he was responsible. Only if accounts are in joint names such as current accounts etc then she would have to pay.

Yours


Calley

Primrose

I feel so sorry for you. What a terrible betrayal. If your marriage is to survive this crisis, you have to sit down immediately and have a long and painful discussion which covers every single aspect of your financing and your emotional and family commitments. . But first you have to decide whether this marriage is worth saving. Such dishonesty, so early does not augur well for the future. If your husband is not prepared to destroy his credit card and have his salary paid into a bank account which you can control, I don't see how you're ever going to be able to rebuild trust in the future, especially while debts are hanging over his head. I don't know how old your husband's daughter is and how long his commitment is likely to last for but it sounds as if she will soon be old enough to be independent and able to earn her own money. And please go and see a solicitor to discuss your options, including divorce and anulment. Perhaps only if you start talking to your husband in these terms will he understand the seriousness of the problems he has inflicted on your marriage.

Karrie

just wondered if there was any news? Hope you are ok