Marriage in trouble over money

Bennifred

I would feel betrayed and that I'd been conned into getting married- it seems there was an awful lot you didn't know about that you definitely should have. He obviously didn't trust you enough to tell you these things before he "corralled" you, and how can you possibly trust him now? Also, he should be putting you first rather than adult children, IMHO. I think if it were me I would be giving him an ultimatum - and I'd mean it!
Good luck - a horrible position to be in.

Errata

Looks like you may have a marriage, but you haven't got a partnership. Possibly the only way forward is for both of you to put all your cards on the table and make a full and complete disclosure of finances, duties, responsibilities and feelings. I honestly can't see what alternative you have to help you to come to an informed decision about how you want your life, and your married life, to be from now on.

margaretclare

I completely agree that, once married, you should come first for each other. Parents, existing children, everyone else, come second. Isn't this what your marriage vows said? When we got married in 2002 we said 'all that I am I give you, all that I have I share with you'. The old marriage service said 'forsaking all other'.

DH and I supported each other through health problems, major surgery, a particularly bitter divorce, among other things, between November 1997 and our marriage in January 2002. By the time we got married we had NO secrets of any kind, and we couldn't have made that commitment to each other in church and in front of witnesses, if we hadn't believed it. DH said 'I haven't lied to you and I never will'. And he has kept his word.

I am so sorry for you. This man has put you into an unenviable position. I wish I could say something helpful, but I can't.

Margaret

JennaLee

I cant sleep. I have a loving mother and a doting father back at home. They love me to pieces and can never bear to see me sad or even a little low. They begged me not to marry my husband, saying he couldn't be trusted.

And I did anyway, believing I was right and they didn't know him like I did. Can you imagine, I went against the whole world - for this man.And he feels no shame for how he let me down, knowing how I struggled to be with him.

Tonight I miss my family. They said, "just be happy", and I feel I let them down. Broke their hearts and for what?! Reading everything you all have said, warms my heart. I cant talk to my family, so I thank you for writing kind words for me and making me feel less alone. I imagine some of you are older, some are mothers too. Thank you, you cant imagine how much I have needed you to listen.

missylou_2

No matter how bleak and dark your circumstances are you will always find that there are people who are willing to, and more importantly want to support you.

You alone know what the right decision for you is, and there will always be a multitude of people, (often random strangers!) who will support you no end.

But no matter what the situation, please never under estimate your family. They forgive you everything and love you no matter what, and usually feel sick when they see themselves proved right regarding predictions of future happiness. Talk to them about your situation and your feelings. No matter what you think you are one of them and they will be there to bail you out and make it better regardless of what has gone before.

ceridwen

Hi Jennalee

Why do you say you cant talk to your family? Is there some practical reason - like they are no longer "around" so to say - or is it just pride. Lets assume its pride - you dont want to admit having made a mistake. If your parents are half as nice as they sound from your description of them - then they wont condemn you. After all - name me one person on this planet who hasnt made at least one big mistake in their life!

You say you "broke their hearts" about your parents. Sitting outside this - as the dispassionate observer - I would say you upset them one hell of a lot by marrying this man - but, no, you didnt break their hearts at that point. What WOULD break their hearts would be if they found out in years to come that they had been proved right about this man and you had survived years of an unhappy marriage - BUT not gone back to them and admitted your mistake. Believe me - what they would want right now is precisely that - ie for you to go back and tell them you had realised they were right about him and you would now appreciate their backing in starting afresh.

elona

Jenna

As a mum of four daughters I agree with the previous posters.

It really would break my heart if one of them was so unhappy and did not come home because she was scared we would gloat or say "I told you so!"


All they want is for you to be safe and happy - sounds like you are neither at the moment.

Suppose his "brilliant financial management" means that essential bills are not being paid- you lose your home - bailiffs are at the door and you pay for ALL HIS MISTAKES?

Sorry about the capitals.

I want to swoop down on you and take you home or somewhere you feel secure and I am not your mum!


If he shows any sign of remorse or genuine understanding of what he has done and is prepared to work with you to solve the problems then you could have a chance but it souns as if you will always come second - or rather fourth to him - his family and his wants!

Curious_George_2

JennaLee wrote: »

I have two questions 1) Since all the credit cards and debt are in his name, am I in any way liable towards the debt in case of a divorce, a separation or God forbid,my husbands's death?

my mothers husband was an idiot, he gave her endless spending money (which for some reason she never questioned despite the fact neither of them had a job :rolleyes: ) and he always said if anything happened to him that she would be alright financially because he had made provisions,

well something did happen, he dropped dead one christmas and left her swimming in debt, with no will or the promised life insurance policy to sort it out,
the only light at the end of the tunnel for her was that despite finding out he owed many thousands she knew nothing about, she was only liable to pay back the amounts on any joint cards,
if she had a second card on one of his accounts, the bank didnt care for the fact she had never so much as seen a statement, her name was on it... she owed it.
Im pretty sure all his other cards and debts got written off because there was no money anywhere...

my mother must of had a bag over her head not to have realised what was going on, and if she turned a blind eye and just didnt want to ask where all the money was coming from, well she got no more than she deserved in the end.

you have been given a HUGE warning sign.... dont ignore it.

rchddap1

My partner (not quite married...baby came along first and scuppered our plans) has handed me complete financial control. He has online banking and I move money around various accounts to pay the bills. He knows that he can't just go off and spend money because chances are there won't be enough in his account to cover it.

He trusts me with his cash and I trust him to not do something daft.

We're a team or partnership.

You have to make a decision. Can you trust your partner, or would you be able to trust him once this mess has been sorted out? If not then you have a serious problem. You can stick your head in the sand hoping it will all go away and living a pretend life for your family...but it won't help. Decide what you want and then go and get it. If that's standing up to your family then so be in....but equally it could be going back to them saying that they were right.

Your family will always love and care for you no matter what happens. That's the good thing about families.

Trust in them, trust in yourself and go get what you want. Don't sit there for years and then look back saying 'what if'.

Karrie

What an awful story.

Go back to Germany to your family who care about you and start again.

Don't tell him, just go.

Lots and love and very best wishes.