Marriage in trouble over money

JennaLee

After knowing my husband for 5 years, we got marrried this year in February. After we got married he told me that he has debt to the tune of £20,000. Shortly afterwards, I found out that he has taken on the financing for a new car for his daughter from his previous marriage. Not only that, a month ago he also told me that he has more than one CCJ as his former business partner took him to court for not repaying money that was erroneously paid out to him. Moreover, even though he takes home about £2000 every month, the debt ensures that his account is always in the red.

I feel betrayed and lied to. This was not the person I knew for 5 years and its all so shocking and hard to get my head around. We were both extrememly financially conservative and constantly tried to put money aside in savings.

After promising me that he would stop using his credit cards, I find that the credit bard bills still continue to reflect new transactions. Again, these are towards purchases made for his daughter, granted they are more necessary purchases than indulgent, but adding to expenses all the same. I understand that he has a responsibility towards his daughter, and his family, but our debt situation keeps us from starting a family, getting a house, buying a car, going on holiday...basically anything that we might want for our new lives together. I feel cheated and angry for having to put up with something that I had no part in running up.


I feel like I've married into hell. Before we were married, I had a fab job in Germany, a great lifestyle and plenty of money in savings. Even since I moved here, I feel poor (especially since I'm still looking for a job) and feel like my marriage is a sham. I dont understand how he could keep all of this from me until after we were married - why did he do that? As a result of all of this, I no longer trust him.

I have two questions 1) Since all the credit cards and debt are in his name, am I in any way liable towards the debt in case of a divorce, a separation or God forbid,my husbands's death? 2) How can we save our marriage?! He has financial responsibilities towards his family (which I did not know about before we married) which I cannot ask him to stop, and yet it's keeping us from our dreams. I understand this is his dilemma too, but he cannot deny them as they have no one esle to turn to, and so its always I that has to compromise and make sacrifices.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am depressed and worn with stress.

JennyW_2

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I guess it depends on how much you love him - are you willing to seek help and try and get through this? Sounds like you had a nice life beforehand so I appreciate how p*ssed off you feel and betrayed. Bottom line is that he's been dishonest and I wouldn't be able to trust him again. This isn't a small white lie but huge fat financial ones!

Regarding the debt in your husband's name, I can only say that my friend is currently going through a divorce and is moving back to her parents in a couple of weeks time. There is debt of around £22,000 which is in his name. She has a solicitor handling her case and she is NOT liable for any of the debt which has husband has accrued.

cm233lh

How can you save your marriage? First you have to decide if you want to. You have a choice and you need to be clear which way you want to go. You either want to save the marriage, or you want to split up. The longer you sit on the fence, the harder the split will be when it comes - and it will come. If you want to save the marriage, put all thoughts and plans about divorce out of your head. Marriage cannot survive with a safety net.
If you are going to stay together you seriously need to talk and get some honesty out of this man. I would contact Relate today. They can take a while to get round to offering you an appointment, and they do cost a bit. Good luck. It ain't going to be easy whatever you do, so don't try to opt for an easy way out. Do what you want to do.

JennyW_2

think I'd go back to Germany and pick up my old life and start again.

Kimitatsu

Only you can decide if you want to be married to him and if you love him in spite of his faults.

Had you thought that he may be doing the burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away? Its a common reaction to being faced with debts that you dont know what to do with. I would imagine that he kept it all from you because he was worried he would lose you if he told you. Now that it is becoming hard to keep up the pretence he feels he has to tell you.

My first question would be if he is buying a car for his daughter then she is over 17, and whilst it is a nice gesture he does not have a financial commitment to his previous family if she has finished full time education. Many children manage by getting public transport and walking.


Its up to you, you can stay and sit him down and make him face up to his debts and sort them out, after all the man who is sat there in front of you is still the same man you fell in love with and married just more financially niave than you thought or you can walk away and start again. Thats the decision that only you can make.

If you stay then you have to make him take control of his spending and get proper financial help, cut up the credit cards and learn to say no to his kids when they think they can use him like a bank. CCJ's and bad credit only stay on his credit report for a maximum of 6 years so you could be completely debt free in that time.

Good luck.

liz105

Does he buy things for his daughter because he feels guilty? As Kimitatsu says a car would indicate she's over 17, surely by now she shouldnt be running to the bank of dad...??

margaretclare

Hi

I spoke to my DH about this. His reaction is: get an annulment.

Now, I have no idea whether this is possible - others may have more knowledge than we have. The point is, you've been married just coming up to 6 months, but you knew each other for 5 years before that. 5 years!! And all this stuff has crawled out of the woodwork since your marriage.

I can understand why DH reacted the way he did, when I told him. He believes very strongly that 'Trust and Respect' are the bedrock of any relationship. You have had your trust shattered. Shall you ever believe another word that this guy says to you? Did he respect you, when he kept all this important information under wraps until after the ceremony?

What he spends this money on, whether car for daughter or whatever, is irrelevant. In a marriage, finances should be shared. Even if you have separate incomes, separate bank accounts etc, there is no place for keeping it all secret. You say that he promised to stop using his credit cards, yet you're finding that he still uses them. He is therefore continuing to lie to you.

The good news is, as long as all the debts, cards, CCJs and whatever are in his sole name, you have no liability to them whatsoever. Do not allow yourself to be talked into any kind of joint commitment, mortgage, loan, even a joint bank account. Keep it all separate, for your own safety and peace of mind.

Me, I'd be on the first plane back to Germany. One is leaving our local airport, Southend, for Cologne, in about half an hour....

Best wishes

Margaret

Shineyhappy

I really dont get why he bought a car for his daughter and it doesnt sound like an old banger to learn it either! I wouldnt expect something like that from a parent and I certainly wouldnt want anyone to get into debt for that.

What else is he buying for her and how old is she?

If you do decide that you want to make yout marriage work, then I suggest that you make sure you reguarly review all his bank accounts as it doesnt appear he can be trusted.

ceridwen

Hi

Well - hes kept financial secrets from you. What other little secrets would he also think it was okay to keep from you (of a quite different variety)? Are you going to be able to trust him with anything - or, more to the point, with anyone.

margaretclare

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - he's kept financial secrets from you. What other little secrets would he also think it was okay to keep from you (of a quite different variety)? Are you going to be able to trust him with anything - or, more to the point, with anyone.

Exactly.

Margaret

JennaLee

Thank you all for your advise. He did say that the reason he never told me was because he was certain he would be able to deal with it and make it go away but at the same time he wasnt doing anything about it and he did get around to telling me because he felt he couldnt hide it anymore.

I've since asked him to sell his car, which in my opinion is the single biggest thing we can do to cut our expenses, but since he has a year left on it (financing) he cant sell. I cant really explain what his expenses are towards his daughter but the problem I have is the obligation, and that it never ends and always gets put first. These responsibilities are legit, but I had not expected it coming into the marriage as I was not told of several things.

I wish I could check his bank accounts regularly! Because in my books he's a financial fool! Except he has an entirely defensive attitude and gets furious everytime I want to discuss it and furious everytime I question his expenditure. With this attitude, i have NO IDEA how to make things work, at all!

Which is all the more reason I feel this is just a lost cause. If he's got too much pride even after he's been so irresponsible, how can he still demand respect and expect to be left to deal with the finances as he pleases? I can be bossy and controlling, i know - but I feel I have the right, in this case to be concerned and want to take charge. Dont I?? Except he'll never let me.