Online Dating- any advice please? help

Retroguyuk

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Other people are right though, you have to send messages. Men do not generally message first, unless they're the weird ones. You learn that sending loads and loads of messages, while demoralising sometimes is the best way. I always replied politely to people, but never carried on a conversation if I didn't feel like it was going anywhere. And you do have to suggest meeting up, men are pretty rubbish at that too! I always liked to chat for a week or so first, but wouldn't leave it much longer before suggesting a date.

I'd have to totally disagree with you here- women are hugely outnumbered by men pretty much across the board on all dating sites. Guys generally have to send messages, otherwise they won't get a look in.

You can increase your chances by having a good profile, but generally, if guys want to have success in online dating, they're going to be the ones sending out the initial messages. It can still work the other way around, but any man reading that and going 'woohoo, I don't have to do the work!' isn't going to be making it easy for himself.

That said, obviously there's no reason a woman can't message first either. I'd say the basic rule is, if you like someone, message them.

mintymoneysaver

Must have just been me they didn't message then!:rotfl::rotfl:

proffLucy

Thanks for al the helpful replies! I left it about a year after my divorce completed before i decided I was ready to start so i think I am emotionally ready. i just wish I had a coping technique for getting hurt! My ex was pretty horrible to me and never was loving or gave me any complients. So when i do get compliments from guys I meet I find it hard to take! It makes me embarrassed and I know I have self esteem issues which Im working on but I cant put my life totally on hold. My confidence has increased over the last 12 months and a lot of that is through dating.....although the knockbacks set it back a bit.

The last guy I was messaging for several weeks and he said some really really lovely stuff to me...some nights we were texting and whatsapping for hours! but we had one bad phone call where he was yawning and sounded bored (Like he couldn't even be bothered talking to me!) and he seemed to cool off...although when he dumped me by text message he said it was because it was ME that had gone quiet! Its all a big game isn't it? So Juvenile and I hate that. Im 45 !!!!!!. Not 13. He had said he was taking his photos off the site...I was a bit surprised by this as I had never asked or expected him to do it, but I though it was sweet, then 3 days later he put them back on again!! whats that all about??

Its just so difficult when its all mixed messages all the time....

VestanPance

I think anyone would be foolish to rely to much on written messages. How someone comes across with the written word is rarely how they come across in person.

Also if any woman is struggling to get message on a dating site I'd say you seriously need to review your pictures. Get a male friend to look at them and your profile, not a female friend. Women have a tendency to tell their mates they look great no matter what.

Retroguy is correct. Statistically men greatly outnumber women on dating sites.

Fireflyaway

I met my husband on-line 12 years ago! Think it was dating direct.

The way I saw it was its a way to initially meet people you know are looking for a relationship but that's about it. When you meet you may not find them attractive / they may be annoying / they may be after something different to you etc etc. Just like meeting someone anywhere there is a big chance it will lead to nothing and don't forget they are probably meeting other people as well and might feel better matched to them than you.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Just takes time and its better to be single than date anyone - or the opposite - have a whole long list of requirements! I would also not worry too much about the photos. I had one guy refuse ( and he was quite rude about it) to meet me until I sent him a photo as I didn't have one on my profile at the time. I immediately blocked him as I strongly believe that a proper relationship should not be started based on attraction. Its a bonus if they are attractive but if you approach it that way you may well be missing out on a lot. Photos are not always accurate anyway as I am sure you will find out on your journey! Good luck X

System

Just to give a positive story, my best friend had been single for about 6 years and i convinced him to try online dating. 2 years on the girl he met on POF he's now living with and she's just had their first child So not all en on there are chancers or after one thing, there are some good guys.

I've met one myself on there and its going pretty damn well so far. I have to admit he messaged me first, and from his first message which was pretty short and used some txt type speak i almost didn't message him back (i'm quite fussy and a bit of a snob in that sense) but i gave him a chance and his messages after that were much better and we hit it off.

I found as a female i did get a fair few messages, but i always tried to reply to people even if it was a sorry but you're not my type kind of message.

VfM4meplse

proffLucy wrote: »

Thanks for al the helpful replies! I left it about a year after my divorce completed before i decided I was ready to start so i think I am emotionally ready. i just wish I had a coping technique for getting hurt! My ex was pretty horrible to me and never was loving or gave me any complients. So when i do get compliments from guys I meet I find it hard to take! It makes me embarrassed and I know I have self esteem issues which Im working on but I cant put my life totally on hold. My confidence has increased over the last 12 months and a lot of that is through dating.....although the knockbacks set it back a bit.

The last guy I was messaging for several weeks and he said some really really lovely stuff to me...some nights we were texting and whatsapping for hours! but we had one bad phone call where he was yawning and sounded bored (Like he couldn't even be bothered talking to me!) and he seemed to cool off...although when he dumped me by text message he said it was because it was ME that had gone quiet! Its all a big game isn't it? So Juvenile and I hate that. Im 45 !!!!!!. Not 13. He had said he was taking his photos off the site...I was a bit surprised by this as I had never asked or expected him to do it, but I though it was sweet, then 3 days later he put them back on again!! whats that all about??

Its just so difficult when its all mixed messages all the time....

We get it, your ready for it and it can be v tedious using these sites. Also, you should know that lots of guys have been on these sites for years and have no idea of what a serious relationship involves.

Aim to keep messages and chatting to the minimum (this can be very misleading) but instead meet as soon as possible and work them out as soon as possible. Saves a lot of brain space and you will be less disillusioned with the whole process. Anyone who is a prolific messages but is reluctant to meet probably spends his evenings masturbating in his parent's back bedroom.

prowla

I'm going out this evening with a lady I met via POF.

KathyBerry

Yes I would look out for the married men who are just out for a bit of 'fun'

Kim_kim

VestanPance wrote: »

I think anyone would be foolish to rely to much on written messages. How someone comes across with the written word is rarely how they come across in person.

Also if any woman is struggling to get message on a dating site I'd say you seriously need to review your pictures. Get a male friend to look at them and your profile, not a female friend. Women have a tendency to tell their mates they look great no matter what.

Retroguy is correct. Statistically men greatly outnumber women on dating sites.

I think the type of men that don't have any worries about approaching women & aren't shy at all, tend to be the lairy, loud, maybe full of themselves men.
I think the shyer quiter ones are less likely to message loads of women, so it's worth messaging them.
Just my take on men - after a lifetime of seeming to attract the lairy, loud, full of themselves type!