Online Dating- any advice please? help

proffLucy

I split with my ex (who I had been with since I was in my 20s) about three years ago and last autumn signed up to eharmony because I have been quite lonely and would love someone to have a relationship with. I wasn't getting many matches who were nearby me and the ones that they were sending me just weren't my cup of tea so I have only been on a few meet ups from eharmony. Then I joined match which was marginally better. My friend told me not to join POF because of the number of time wasters on there. Because I had been with the same man for many years I'm totally out of practice dating, or even getting to know and flirting with other men....I'm afraid even at the tender age of 45 that I'm a little bit innocent and old fashioned when it comes to meeting people and I wear my heart on my sleeve if I like someone.

I suppose I'm quite picky but I've started to get a bit obsessed with it recently and its taking up way too much of my time checking in every day. I've tried to control this a bit more recently.

I just can't believe that in the huge area where I live that there are so few men in my age range who are looking to meet someone like me. My profile looks OK, I got my friend to check it over she said it looked good, I have up to date photos on, and although I'm not drop-dead gorgeous by any means I have had lots of comments that I am cute and have a lovely smile.

I never message anyone directly, I wait until I get an e-mail from someone to me because the one and only person that I did message I ended up really liking and he dumped me after a few dates. I always answer e-mails politely but only give out more details to the ones I really think that I will like or get on with.

Am I doing something wrong? Do other women chase matches like crazy or are there statistically more women on match than men?

...because I just feel like I'm always missing out. Not had any dates or messages for ages and it seems to be the same people still on there after months of being a member. Or you spend ages messaging someone then it just goes quiet. I met one bloke for a coffee 2 weeks ago and we talked non stop for 3 hours. I thought we really got on but he didn't seem keen on setting a date for another met up but was quite happy to just message me. Then we almost had another date planned, he wouldn't commit to it and in the meantime I had some issues with my mum being ill, so I didn't message as much..even though I explained to him that I was busy with mum...then he dumped me by text and said it was because I had gone quiet. It really hurt my feelings because I genuinely really liked him and had invested a lot of time in getting to know him...and I just cant bear all this childish behaviour when we are in our 40s!

Is this normal and does anyone have any advice? I have tried joining some groups like "meetups" for walking but that's quite time consuming and I don't want to be going out walking with the aim of meeting a man, I'd rather enjoy the walk and meet a range of people! Using something like Match seemed quicker because a least everyone on there is looking to date someone. But its not working...is that normal??

[Deleted User]

Your not doing anything wrong. It seems par for the course on those websites. I gave up. The last guy that contacted me asked to meet me a couple of times and when I said ok and gave him my number he text a few times then dropped texting me completely.

Like everyone has said there's a lot of time wasters on these sites. I don't think any sites are different from each other. I've had a few meets but to be honest I gave up because its like being a kid in a sweetshop. Men message and then all of a sudden disappear.

My profile was great I was told. And I did get lots of messages (about 200) and also more on the meet me. But it seems the messages I got were from men who had no intention of meeting or if I did meet them they didn't want to start a friendship/relationship slowly but wanted to jump straight in

I gave up. And I found someone a few months off line after I did.

wiltsguy_2

a friend of mine used online dating sites for a while, her biggest issue was the amount of married men on there!!! be cautious!

being of a similar age to you i wouldn't have a clue about online dating, but i suppose once you have met it all comes down to 'normal' dating and if you get on!

caprikid1

I think its a numbers game, I found Plenty of Fish had far more members and was free. It is quite time consuming and I would advise to giving lots of nice full length photos and a good honest profile.


Avoid chatting for ages and just meet up and move on.

Retroguyuk

Dating sites do vary a bit- subscription sites like Match generally have people who are a bit more committed, whereas sometimes people on sites like Plenty of Fish are just on there to get an ego massage or pass the time with messages. But, there are always exceptions, and if you're going to the trouble of writing a decent profile (which you should if you're serious about it), you might as well sign up to a few different sites.

The beauty of these sites is that you're going to come into contact with a lot of people. This means you're going to come into contact with all kinds, some of whom will be flakey, and all of a sudden will cut contact. It's not good, but it happens. If you're in a place where that's going to bother you a lot, then I'd advise maybe online dating isn't for you. It certainly isn't for everyone, but bar that, I think most people can get a lot from it.

I'd be happy to PM you some online dating advice I wrote in a blog a little while ago if you're interested.

Ozzuk

I'm on match/POF. Match tends to be more 'grown up' and POF a little more crazy. I'm seeing someone now that I met on POF, had date lined up with a girl on match but cancelled as the date went well with POF girl.

I'm 39, seems like an easy way to meet people, I'd also recommend meetup groups to meet like minded people, I met someone on there (became awkward when we split up!), more for interests than dating but you meet guys/girls.

FBaby

Don't give up. All you've written sound so familiar, but in the end, like many, I found my perfect man that way. It took much longer than I had anticipated, with many dissapointing experiences similar to yours, but my Mr Perfect was there, just had to kiss a few bad frogs first!

melloecastro

Just to echo the last poster do not give up. Met my two previous boyfriends on Match and have been with my OH for 18 months now from there who is so so lovely. You just need to see it as an extra tool to get you out there. Its the meeting that is key. Avoid ones that talk sex, have a few emails with someone and arrange to meet as soon as you can.Be positive that you are putting yourself out there- that is all you can do and some people are too afraid to do that! And have the confidence to approach people as well! Good Luck!

ali-t

OP stop being so passive, if you just wait to be contacted you will only end up with men who initially find you physically appealing.

If you are shopping for shoes you actively seek out shoes that meet your needs and will bring you joy. Internet dating is like auto trader for relationships. You have to look for what you want, go to the place where the most choice is and pick through the crap until you find the perfect one for you.

I speak as an experienced proactive internet dater who is now settled with a man who makes me very happy.

themull1

I met and married my husband after meeting him on POF. We were too cheap/tight to pay for a dating website.!! Be cautious, if you do meet someone, meet in public. etc....

mintymoneysaver

Single after 22 years, 45 year old woman here too! Was single for a year, needed my space, then decided I wanted some male company. I've only ever used the free sites. Started with OKCupid, ended up chatting to a bloke in Ireland who was really nice, but obviously it was never going to happen. Did eventually meet up with him for lunch when I went to Dublin for the weekend, and we've kept in touch.
You do get some absolute idiots, and like you I was quite shy and innocent, but in the end I actually came to enjoy the flirtiness of online messages, as long as they never got too saucy! But there is hope. I had two 3 date experiences, nice blokes but both times 3 dates was enough for us to realise there was nothing there, one disaster but I laugh about him now and then the last one I met as a friend as he'd not long split up with his wife. A year later, we're still going strong, but in the light hearted way that we both want.
Other people are right though, you have to send messages. Men do not generally message first, unless they're the weird ones. You learn that sending loads and loads of messages, while demoralising sometimes is the best way. I always replied politely to people, but never carried on a conversation if I didn't feel like it was going anywhere. And you do have to suggest meeting up, men are pretty rubbish at that too! I always liked to chat for a week or so first, but wouldn't leave it much longer before suggesting a date.

Having said that, this one messaged me first, suggested meeting first and has been the best one of the lot, so what do I know!

Just enjoy it, see it as a bit of fun, and get out there!