sarahevie's single quest to mortgage freedom

Floxxie

I'm confused! Is your OH the former ex who has now moved back in, and is the father of all the children..but is not contributing to the household so he can't claim an interest later?

sarahevie1

It is complicated. The ex is father to all three children. FIL is exes father.

Me and ex has been complicated. I'll give a quick background. Ex and I got together as teenagers and then two years ago (Oct 14). Ex said he didn't love me anymore and walked out. He said he regretted having the children so young, we were 24,25,28 when they were born so hardly teenagers. He said he regretted only being in one relationship his whole life and wanted to go travelling etc. He wanted us to separate whilst we were still young enough to meet other people.

This led to uproar. I was understandably devastated. It was also only a month after we completed on my house, which we purchased off my parents. They bought it at auction dirt cheap. £140,000 less than the previous owners paid. This led to lots of bad blood. My parents felt that the ex deliberately waited until the house was in our names to leave me so that he'd be entitled to half of the value.

While this unrest was happening FIL started questioning DD3s paternity, it was very tit for tat, but emotions were running high. About six months later around May 15 ex said he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted to come home. Ultimately I wanted this but was worried. To try and win back me and my parents; ex and I went down the solicitor route of putting my house in my sole name this was costly but at least we are formally separated now financially.

Ex started to think about using his equity (that I gave him out of my house when we separated) to buy somewhere to rent or live if it didn't work out with me. This rumbled on a bit, all the while he was pretty much living with me and the girls. He was renting a separate flat as well. Then his dad bought a flat locally so when it was rocky with me he'd go there.

Roll onto this year and ex received a substantial bonus from work in June and completes on a three bed terrace house on 19th August. We both think that this purchase is a good one, if things don't work out, he'll have a nice house to have the girls stay over. If it does we'll have an investment.

Ultimately I'd like to be with ex but I've got the barriers up now, so I don't honestly know what I'd call him. I called him ex on here as DH doesn't really fit where we are right now. It has been hit and miss and from August 19th he'll have his own place again, so who knows.

When I saw ex this morning (I've not seen much of him this week as he's been with his parents.) I said about DD3 and he said I was being silly. That he really doesn't need a DNA test and his dad never really thought that she wasn't theirs they were just getting at me as it was a tense time. When I said, why is she never invited, he said its because his dad isn't good with young children and she was being breast fed etc.

Anyhow as I type this Ex and all three girls have gone to feed the ducks with FIL at FILs request. Hope they're having a good time. I'm really sad about FIL and can't stop crying, and my own Mum can't even bring herself to say anything nice about him which isn't helping.

My Mum can't understand why I'm so upset. She can't stand FIL as when ex walked out on me, FIL invited her and my dad round to sort things out and he basically slagged me and DD3 off for four hours. Also everytime I do something he doesn't like (like took the girls to Majorca in May) he rings my Mum up to ask what I'm playing at, so she's not his biggest fan.

Gosh, that was longer than anticipated, thanks to anyone who managed to get to the end.

Brodiebobs

wow sounds lie a really rough time. However much you hate a person you've had the ex-fil in your life a long time so of course you will be upset.
But i can totally understand where your mum is coming from. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds lie the ex likes the thought of you being there in case his other plans don't work out...
You need to do whats best for the girls and you, and he he wants to be young free and single let him!

beanielou

A bit harsh maybe Brodiebobs.

sarahevie1

Lots of my friends in real life think like BrodieBobs, that ex wants his cake and eat it.

However, those that know him best can see ultimately he doesn't know what he wants, and he's not exactly living the life of riley, in fact he's been pretty tortured over the past two years. Even my Mum feels deeply sorry for him (this was even before she found out about his dad.)

Exes main issue, other than he does a stressful job, is that he wants what he perceives as what others have. Everything has to be perfect, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house, he's petrified of missing out on things.

This led to him splitting from me, as he was wondering if he'd regret only being with me and was he missing out. Then he worries if he walks away if he'll regret that for the rest of his life as well. He's the same with everything. Overpaying the mortgage, he worries makes him miss out on stuff now, but then he worries if he doesn't he'll regret that more when he can't retire etc. Should we go on expensive holidays whilst the kids want to go with us, then he worries we might regret not having savings. Should we upsize our house? as we probably need the biggest house of our lives whilst we have children? Then he worries about the impact of paying for the upsize. He is like it with everything and it makes him pretty tortured.

Kids had a good time with FIL, MIL, ex and exes sister and boyfriend. Ex has said that when FIL is no longer around MIL has said she wants to increase contact with kids, and how do I feel about that, I said its fine, whatever they want. I think it would be nice for the kids to have more contact, they are in a privileged position to live so close, I wish my parents lived 2 miles away.

Next weekend FIL has asked if kids can go with FIL and MIL to another park so I'm hoping, whilst he's able, the kids will be spending lots more time with him.

gallygirl

Reading your last post reminded me of this song* Sarahevie - an uncharitable viewpoint is that he's tried to have his cake and eat it, and probably shocked that not only did you not crumble, you actually managed to pull an amazing amount off while he wasn't there. However, you know him better than the rest of us so hopefully he can work out what he really wants. I do think you need to be firmer though - he can't just keep coming back when he changes his mind yet again, and any more mention of the 'joke' about DD3 and he'd be out on his *rse.


* always loved this song but never seen the video before, the acting is superb in it but I didn't like the last image .

** and obviously when you see all the songs from the same era on the right you'll probably lose a few hours of your life

debtfreeoneday

Thanks for clarifying Sarahevie. as others have said, you know the ex more than any of us and it's easy to form opinions on others lives.

As long as you are Ok and the girls are, that is the main thing. I hope things continue to improve with FIL during this difficult time.

sarahevie1

I've decided I do want to move.

When ex first left Oct 14, I wanted to go home, but I'd just started my NQT year, DD2 had just started school, I love my house and it is so affordable. My minimum mortgage payments are £257 a month.I also wanted the girls to have easy access to their dad.

However, I'm sick of being selfless all the time, my dad had a pretty serious health scare last year, my grandma is terminally ill and I've had enough. So I've got an EA coming round Sat.

cookie9

Good for you. I bet your girls would love being near your parents.

sarahevie1

cookie9 wrote: »

Good for you. I bet your girls would love being near your parents.

Yeah they would, in the hols we see them a day a week, the last two years we have been on holiday together and the girls love it. I just miss having someone I can drop the girls with for an hour.

Also my parents are youngish 58, so can handle looking after a 7,6,2 year old.