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I'm an invisible person

Isolasaurus
Posts: 1 Newbie
It's probably going to sound a little crazy, but I often read the threads of this forum with a twinge of jealousy. Even though, most of the time, people are posting because they're experiencing conflict or difficulties in their relationships. I'm jealous because you have social relations to generate conflict in the first place. I'm jealous when someone complains about their OH and or their DCs, because their lives seem so much fuller than mine. There's life being lived.
I don't really know where to begin. And I didn't know where else on the internet to write my deepest, darkest thoughts, so I ended up here. It may be long, it will definitely be self-indulgent, and by no means do I wish to imply that people with partners and kids shouldn't complain because they're lucky to have them blah blah blah. Pain is personal and relative, so please complain away!
Have you seen that schmaltzy romcom, The Holiday? Kate Winslet's character meets a screenwriter and together they come to the realisation that "Kate" is not the leading lady in her own life; she's just a supporting role for others. That's quite a nice way to summarise how I feel, as if there's no development in my own world and I continue to be the best friend character in the lives of others.
I'm in my early thirties and I've never had a boyfriend. Or a date. I live alone in a rented flat and work remotely for a company many miles away. This is how my life has been for so many years that I can't even imagine it being another way. I'm stuck, but I'm so desperately lonely and unhappy. The majority of my friends live in other countries now, and while we keep in touch I feel like I'm just sitting by and watching everyone else get married, have babies, buy homes, get promoted (not necessarily in that order) while neither my address, marital status, job title nor savings have changed in so long. My work is not engaging and it's not really contributing to society, but it pays well for what it is, which is what has kept me there. It's not enough for me to save much of a deposit - my disposable income is £100 a month which, after the occasional dinner and a movie with a local friend, doesn't add up to much. However, it's enough to pay for the flat that, although rented and not owned, is my sanctuary, and is the home for me and my dog.
I could move in with strangers to save more money (my few British domiciled friends are with long-term partners and not interested in a third-party presence) but I'm very anxious at the thought of that. I'm not completely lacking in social skills, even if I am a little goofy, but I was abused in my home as a child, then sexually abused while in informal care, and I've muddled through by myself since then. I'm not particularly trusting of people, which also contributes to the long-term singledom. Of course I've seen NHS and private therapists and I've come a long way, but I'm still more guarded than the average person on the street, I'm sure.
The bigger problem in making new friends and potential love interests is that, well, I hate myself. I'm sorry for the seemingly melodramatic words, but it is what it is. I'm not sitting here with a rope around my neck or anything like that, but I feel like I'm trapped inside my body and I can't come to terms with who and what I am. It's a difficult thing to describe. Maybe someone here can empathise. Somewhere down at the core I know I'm a good person, but that core is beneath 50 inches of crap. I'm not just speaking figuratively, but literally too. I fluctuate between mildly overweight and morbidly "how are you not dead yet?" obese. When I have no one to talk to, I eat. I make enough Christmas dinner for the invisible family I don't have and then eat it all. I'm not blaming anyone but me for the way I look or am; this is all on me. I start to lose weight and gain more faith in the way I look, and then I think about all the excess skin and the corrective surgery that's beyond my means. This makes me depressed, so I eat more, and so the cycle continues. I already have psoriasis - the thought of all that scrunched-up skin rubbing away at itself and making it worse terrifies me so much that my diet plans go out the window. On my salary, such surgery seems out of the question. I'm too ashamed to make friends, or meet men, or even go for better jobs (for which I know I have the brain) because I feel so ugly and repulsive. Like I'm using up other people's oxygen. I know what a number of surprisingly vocal people think about heavy people. The daft thing is I don't need Katie Hopkins et al to tell me how disgusting I am: I know. I'm my own worst critic by such an enormous margin. I've had some intense physical and mental pain in my life but gallstones, for example, are a walk in the park compared to the damage I do to my own esteem on a daily basis.
So here I am, a mountain of person and yet I feel invisible. My life doesn't evolve: I sit, motionless, while my friends appear to make progress. Oh, I know their lives aren't perfect by any means. Things go wrong, people get hurt. But I sometimes wish I could even have those troughs. My life is a static plateau and I'm tired of the limited scenery and the company (i.e. myself).
I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I needed to talk but lack the courage to talk to my friends about this, especially as, with one exception, they are all 2+ hours away. While I wouldn't call our friendships shallow or superficial - on the contrary - it's just that I play the listener, not the speaker. I'm the supporting role. Challenging that would be difficult enough without it having to to take place over the phone. Maybe other people here can identify with parts, if not the whole thing, in which case I'd love to hear how you made progress. I don't want the next 32 years to be as empty and futile as the first 32. I'm so lonely and sad, and slowly daydreaming my life away.
I don't really know where to begin. And I didn't know where else on the internet to write my deepest, darkest thoughts, so I ended up here. It may be long, it will definitely be self-indulgent, and by no means do I wish to imply that people with partners and kids shouldn't complain because they're lucky to have them blah blah blah. Pain is personal and relative, so please complain away!
Have you seen that schmaltzy romcom, The Holiday? Kate Winslet's character meets a screenwriter and together they come to the realisation that "Kate" is not the leading lady in her own life; she's just a supporting role for others. That's quite a nice way to summarise how I feel, as if there's no development in my own world and I continue to be the best friend character in the lives of others.
I'm in my early thirties and I've never had a boyfriend. Or a date. I live alone in a rented flat and work remotely for a company many miles away. This is how my life has been for so many years that I can't even imagine it being another way. I'm stuck, but I'm so desperately lonely and unhappy. The majority of my friends live in other countries now, and while we keep in touch I feel like I'm just sitting by and watching everyone else get married, have babies, buy homes, get promoted (not necessarily in that order) while neither my address, marital status, job title nor savings have changed in so long. My work is not engaging and it's not really contributing to society, but it pays well for what it is, which is what has kept me there. It's not enough for me to save much of a deposit - my disposable income is £100 a month which, after the occasional dinner and a movie with a local friend, doesn't add up to much. However, it's enough to pay for the flat that, although rented and not owned, is my sanctuary, and is the home for me and my dog.
I could move in with strangers to save more money (my few British domiciled friends are with long-term partners and not interested in a third-party presence) but I'm very anxious at the thought of that. I'm not completely lacking in social skills, even if I am a little goofy, but I was abused in my home as a child, then sexually abused while in informal care, and I've muddled through by myself since then. I'm not particularly trusting of people, which also contributes to the long-term singledom. Of course I've seen NHS and private therapists and I've come a long way, but I'm still more guarded than the average person on the street, I'm sure.
The bigger problem in making new friends and potential love interests is that, well, I hate myself. I'm sorry for the seemingly melodramatic words, but it is what it is. I'm not sitting here with a rope around my neck or anything like that, but I feel like I'm trapped inside my body and I can't come to terms with who and what I am. It's a difficult thing to describe. Maybe someone here can empathise. Somewhere down at the core I know I'm a good person, but that core is beneath 50 inches of crap. I'm not just speaking figuratively, but literally too. I fluctuate between mildly overweight and morbidly "how are you not dead yet?" obese. When I have no one to talk to, I eat. I make enough Christmas dinner for the invisible family I don't have and then eat it all. I'm not blaming anyone but me for the way I look or am; this is all on me. I start to lose weight and gain more faith in the way I look, and then I think about all the excess skin and the corrective surgery that's beyond my means. This makes me depressed, so I eat more, and so the cycle continues. I already have psoriasis - the thought of all that scrunched-up skin rubbing away at itself and making it worse terrifies me so much that my diet plans go out the window. On my salary, such surgery seems out of the question. I'm too ashamed to make friends, or meet men, or even go for better jobs (for which I know I have the brain) because I feel so ugly and repulsive. Like I'm using up other people's oxygen. I know what a number of surprisingly vocal people think about heavy people. The daft thing is I don't need Katie Hopkins et al to tell me how disgusting I am: I know. I'm my own worst critic by such an enormous margin. I've had some intense physical and mental pain in my life but gallstones, for example, are a walk in the park compared to the damage I do to my own esteem on a daily basis.
So here I am, a mountain of person and yet I feel invisible. My life doesn't evolve: I sit, motionless, while my friends appear to make progress. Oh, I know their lives aren't perfect by any means. Things go wrong, people get hurt. But I sometimes wish I could even have those troughs. My life is a static plateau and I'm tired of the limited scenery and the company (i.e. myself).
I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I needed to talk but lack the courage to talk to my friends about this, especially as, with one exception, they are all 2+ hours away. While I wouldn't call our friendships shallow or superficial - on the contrary - it's just that I play the listener, not the speaker. I'm the supporting role. Challenging that would be difficult enough without it having to to take place over the phone. Maybe other people here can identify with parts, if not the whole thing, in which case I'd love to hear how you made progress. I don't want the next 32 years to be as empty and futile as the first 32. I'm so lonely and sad, and slowly daydreaming my life away.
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Comments
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Psoriasis can be treated. It's an autoimmune condition that responds to similar medications as rheumatoid disease or lupus.
There are various social groups out there that don't cost; if you like music, even going along to a ukulele group at a local pub or coffee shop (usually have spares, so you don't have to buy them and you don't need to be able to play when you start, as you'll learn) won't cost a mint and can be ridiculously fun.
Dog walking clubs?
Book clubs at the library?
Free gigs - at libraries, pubs, etc.
Voluntary work? Lunch clubs, soup kitchens would also appreciate somebody who can cater for more than one person. If you're remote working, you could probably free off some time during the day and then make it up later. Or do it in the evening.
You have Internet access, you can find things to go to. But you need to not wait for anything to happen to you, you have to make it happen - which also includes going to your GP about your psoriasis and how it's affecting your self image, as you don't have to endure severe flares.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
I think your first step is to talk to a Dr. Is difficult to improve things when you don't think you're worth the effort.
Lots of hugs
Eta: I was abused too, and while the therapy was hugely helpful, it wasn't till I stated anti depressants for a fatigue condition that I started feeling truly free of the legacy. They might help you? might be worth trying at least:AStarting again on my own this time!! - Defective flylady! :A0 -
Hi, there's not a lot I can offer but just wanted to say that a friend has psoriasis and found that cutting out wheat helped, giving up wheat also helped them lose a bit of weight as wheat is in a lot of naughtier foods, though you have to make sure you're not just substituting for the wheat free options in the supermarket as they are super high in sugar! May be worth trying to cut out the worst offenders for a while see if it makes a difference.
Try using lettuce or rice crackers for sarnies, rice or quinoa instead of pastaMortgage started 02/2015 opening balance -£183,349
Due to end 02/2045
Current balance 14/12/15 -£178,000
MFW #48 £2395.25/£50000 -
I hope your courage in posting will bring some helpful ideas, and will also help you focus on and make some resolutions about what YOU can do to improve your life. In small ways initially, but as you're not used to making changes, it will all be progress.
I can't begin to cover the breadth and depth of the issues you've raised, but you need to get used to making some changes and trying new things. Start with things that might be easier than others and things that will limit further damage.
A summary of some facts and factors as I've read and interpreted them: you're lonely, you want to meet people, you're overweight, you want to meet people who won't be too judgmental about your weight, you have a dog, you possibly relate better to animals than people, you have spare time (as you're not currently doing much; I assume), you want to lose weight (gradually), Christmas is a particular 'danger' time for over-eating; you're not used to thinking about your positive traits, skills and talents.
Consider:
- Walking the dog more, to lose weight
- If the dog is a miniature, getting another, bigger dog that needs walking MILES [Some people will point out that having a dog might limit some options for moving, weekend courses, holidays ... This is true but I'm assuming the dog is a 'given', so make the most of him/ her.]
- Volunteering at an animal welfare charity. You'll meet other people who are there because they care about animals, will be grateful for your contribution, and won't much care what you look like.
- Planning to spend next Christmas volunteering at a homeless charity. Groups like Quaker Homeless Action (?and Crisis at Christmas ? ) take volunteers from all over the country. I'm sure cooks are particularly in demand. Cook for people who WILL enjoy a special Christmas meal, not 4xyourself who DOESN'T need it. Or check out your more local homeless services to see if there are thing you could do before then).
Here's a challenging one (as though working with the homeless isn't...!)
- Writing one post on this thread that mentions only your positive traits, skills and talents. You have skills that you've used to hold down a job for years; what sorts of skills are these? People might have ideas of how you can use those skills in different situations ( paid or voluntary) to add more variety to your life. You've mentioned cooking Christmas dinner; any other cooking-related skills or interests. Are you artistic; do you sing? You've mentioned being a good listener; list some MORE positive traits.
Related to the above:
What are your INTERESTS? Or what would you like to be interested in. Ignoring relationships for the moment, what does or could engage your interest as a hobby on your own? Music, learning a language, photography, family history, astronomy, motorbikes, archery, pottery, collecting something, travelling, politics, dog-training ..... Find a course, learn more about it, meet people interested in the same thing. They won't necessarily be mega-interested in you as a person to start with but they'll accept you as a fellow devotee or enquirer about whatever it is you share an interest in. You have to start somewhere.
Obese people do DO things, you know ... I recently went to a very interesting talk by a local historian who has researched all the soldiers named on the town's WW1 memorial. He was obese. Not good for him of course, but his size didnt make either his research less valuable or his talk less interesting.
I'm a great fan of yoga weekends where I can also receive positive pampering in the form of aromatherapy massages. This is a great balance. I love the small aspect of pampering. But the yoga practice I can only do for myself. No one else can do it for me.
It's the same in your life. Any small change, any continued practice, any good habit, any physical or mental discipline: only you can do it, no one else can do it for you.
Good luck with improving you life.0 -
1. Are you positive you would need corrective surgery if you lost weight? Losing weight slowly, doing exercise, moisturising well. There are some non surgical ( not cheap but cheaper than surgery) things that help too I believe.
2. My DH has psoriasis and keeps being told 'there is pretty much nothing' then there is stuff they keep up their sleeves. He's recently started a new to him medication and his skin, apart from one patch, looks so much better! Fwiw though, his psoriasis is not an issue for me. It doesn't make him hideous. When he gets a little blue about it I remind him that if some one had given a four year old me the option of a 'prince' or a 'pink polka dotted' prince the latter would definitely win0 -
Sorry to hear you feel so bad about yourself. Childhood abuse can scar terribly.
Well I for one don't think you are crap/sad/ugly/not good enough! You need to give yourself a pat on the back for getting through what you have, and have taken positive steps with counsellors etc.
You are lonely, and you want a better life for yourself. Can those 2 things be changed, absolutely! But the change has to come from within yourself, believing that you are just as nice and worthy as any of us.
Is there an activity, hobby or interest that you have that could bring you closer to other people?0 -
OP, how brave to let it all out, just because it is now in front of you and you can ignore it.
The first thing you need to hold on to is that there are many people who feel just like you. Most of these will go on with their lives pretending to others and themselves that they are fine. Despite what you might think, your post shows that you do have some inner energy to take control of your life and make it what you want despite all the past damage that has made you believe that you don't.
My advice if I can give any is to feel proud that you've taken the step to let it out in front of you and to see it as the first small step of a long but rewarding journey to be the person you want to be. Where you are is an vicious circle, so you biggest challenge is to make the first move to step away from it. You need to pick something smallish and go from there so you fall into a different circle, but one where each step gives you a little bit more energy and positivity so you can take that next step. The more you do it, the easier it will become and before you know it, good things will happen to you that won't even demand a lot of work, it will just come to you.
I really wish you good luck Isolasaurus (see, you clearly have a great sense of humour that many people would really value!), do keep faith with yourself, you really can turn your life around and look back and can't recognise the person you use to be, even though you are still the same deep inside.0 -
I couldn't just read and run from such a heartfelt piece of writing.
I have found that exercise has helped my poor self image hugely. I was morbidly obese when I started and it was really challenging to go to a gym, but no one stared, everyone was friendly and I just got my head down and got on with it.
The type of exercise that I enjoy is weights and resistance training and I have made friends at the gym, gone down three dress sizes and my sense of pride at what I can do with the weights has given me more confidence in myself in all areas of my life.
Before starting this I hated exercise, it made me sweat, rubbed my thighs together, I couldn't breath properly and it hurt. Now I get grumpy if I don't get physical activity regularly! I look forward to it as it lifts my mood.
We are all different and you may feel that it is not your sort of thing. But I urge you to give it a try......it might do for you what it has done for me. I do hope so
All the very best, I think posting here is a sign that you want to make changes to make your life more satisfying. Go for it.'Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.' T S Eliot0 -
You have taken a big step writing and posting as you have.I empathise with you even though I am married with children.I am the supporting role in my friends lives,I was/am obese.
Lets be practical,those problems are the easiest to address.
You can lose weight,you have done it before.I have lost 4 1/2 stone in the last 18 months,It has improved my life,I can buy clothes I like,I can do more physically.I am much older than you.I was fat at 30 and could carry it but over 50 your body can't.Lose some now ,keep it off for your older selfs sake.Skin.my friend had skin removed on the NHS.My psychologist tells me the criteria have recently changed on the NHS,for the better.I think I am too old for it,but may have my arms done in the future when I have finished weight loss.Cross that bridge when you come to it.
Do some doggy things.Volunteer,join obedience classes,show your dog.whatever.Say hello to the regular dog walkers you see when you are out with yours.
Go to the GP and get treatment for your skin.
Small steps,one day at a time.Take heart in the fact that total strangers on the internet have responded to you.They connected with you without even meeting you.I would like to write more but really do have to go now.Please continue to post.Vx:0 -
definitely find a dog walking group! My DH (mr grumpy and introverted) becomes sociable and alive when he is out with like minded dog walking people. They just stand around and talk dog!
Look on facebook for groups of people that have the same breed.
Which area are you in?Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0
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