Turning your life around

Muhren

clueless1807 wrote: »

Thanks Muhren.

I feel like Ive got the debts under control and they are slowly but surely coming down. They were over £30k and are now £10k so all going in the right direction.

But its the housing/security thing I cant get past. I have alot of "Ifs", if we'd just bought a house 20 yrs ago, if we'd not been so irresponsible, if we'd have had a long term plan......

Unfortunately I can't give you any direct advice on the housing situation, the only thing I will say is that you have to try and forget about the past as there is nothing you can do about it now. This is easier said than done but is something that I have learnt to do.

black_cat

Hi Clueless! You've had some lovely replies - that's what's great about this forum. I understand how you feel. We have a house and mortgage but through tricky circumstances and poor choices we haven't had the money to keep the house up. (And I deeply regret buying this house in the first place). Like you, if I look around at where other people are I feel foolish, dis-satisfied and miserable. However, things are getting better for us (as they will for you), and we never know for sure what goes on behind other people's doors. Best wishes...

PeacefulSlumber

My life changing moment came a few days after my first child was born, she was so beautiful and perfect and i wanted to spend every moment with her but because of my irresponsible behaviour and stupidity i couldn't afford any maternity leave. I cried for days, tears of regret and self loathing and my heart broke when i left her with my mum every day to go to work just to pay the credit card bills.

That was when i decided to change things. It took another 7 years but finally debt free.

solentsusie

clueless1807 wrote: »

I guess I was wondering if there has been one moment in your life that made you rethink everything you've ever done and made you think about short/medium/long term goals and achieved them?

Sorry to hear of your predicament with the landlord. I know how hard it is when you have youngsters and are renting. You want them to have stability. It is also tough when rents are at such astronomical rates.

As a single mother when my kids were small I rented due to going back to university, getting my degree (and student debts!) and then going out to work full time. Life was never particularly easy but rents were much cheaper (in that it took up less of my disposable income) than they are now. In hindsight I wished I had saved more and got a deposit together for a house, rather than spending the spare cash that I had.

Back in the height of the housing boom I saw two of my good friends panic buy property. One with a 100% mortgage five times their salary with another 6K loan on top - good old Norther Rock! Sadly both these friends lost their homes due to redundancy. Both of them ended up owing more than the property sold for. Both of them ended up bankrupt. The stress they went through was horrific and I am so glad I did not jump on the bandwagon at that time. Particularly as I had a redundancy moment as well and was still sorting out debt from my university days.

There have been so many times I have looked at some of my peers who have 'got lucky' on property bought over 20 years ago and wished I had had the hindsight to buy at the right moment. But it was just never quite within my reach at the time. I had two young children to support on my own and saving money for what felt like a dream was just not on my radar. Then property prices started escalating at an astonishing rate so everything seemed even more out of reach.

Now my children are grown up, one has left home and the other not long behind him. Do I wish that I had found money for a house deposit? Of course I do...

I have started to think about downsizing my life so that I can perhaps afford to buy a little flat somewhere. It is something that will be really tough the older I get. But you also now hear so many stories of youngsters not being able to afford to get on the property ladder. I feel sorry for my eldest and his girlfriend who are desperately saving and spending a colossal amount in rent.

I suppose my turning point has been my mid forties, same with a number of my friends ironically. Better late than never I suppose. Perhaps that is why they call it a mid life crisis?

As many have said, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sometimes we make decisions that looking back we would change if we could - if you haven't then I don't think you are being truthful to yourself. But unfortunately none of us have a time machine.

Rather than dwell on past mistakes learn from them. Don't feel guilty it is what it is and I am sure your children have a lot of love and a great family, even if you don't own the bricks and mortar that surround you.

You have the opportunity to plan and change, you are having your 'light bulb' moment. You have a whole future ahead of you and you know where it went wrong last time. Put a plan together and I am sure that with some determination, the same determination you have used in setting up you business and sorting out your life and debts, you can get where you want to be.

Very best of luck.

PS. Welcome to MSE. There are plenty of people on here who will give good advice on saving money and making your dreams a reality. Sometimes you will receive a bit of tough love (there are a few grumps out there!) and ignore the trolls, they don't deserve a moment of your time.

luckyforme

Great post, clueless1807. You have done amazingly well to clear off so much of your debt.


I think the first things to do is focus on all the GREAT things you have done, the difference you have made to people and the positive difference you will continue to make.


Focusing on "what-ifs" or "if-onlys", while perfectly natural, will never help you in the long-term.


I am in a similar position. I am in debt, paying off a DMP. I have moved from a secure job to various part-time, zero-hours contracts jobs (working these simultaneously to make up a full-time pay) and have moved from a mortgage to now renting.


In many ways, I have never been happier, as I am learning a lot about myself, life and different ways to generate a good income. Everything is a learning opportunity, and I have a lot of failures/mistakes to teach me.


We also have young kids, and I know how tough it is to move from somewhere you feel settled. We all want the best for our families but, as andyfrommotley mentioned, a good home is about more than finances, bricks and mortar and aesthetics. The comfort you help provide comes from you - not your bank balance or the house.


I have learned a lot by my debt experiences and mainly from what got me into them. I definitely recommend changing your focus from worrying about what you could have done differently (everything is easy in hindsight) to focusing on what is. When you do, you probably will realise that everything you did "wrong" was out of a desire to do things right. Some people get lucky sometimes, others do not. Some people achieve in some areas (finances, property, jobs etc.), while they are less successful in other areas (family, relationships etc.)


The key "takeaway" for me was not worrying so much about the (mis)fortune of other people. Everyone's circumstances are different, and your friends who were/are on the property ladder and who did well financially...are not necessarily better off than you - emotionally or even financially. A lot of people ran themselves into the ground and significant levels of debt to portray an image of "the perfect family." I know some people like this and, in my opinion, it is quite sad for them that they feel this pressure to "keep up with the Joneses."


That sort of thinking got me into debt, but I now realise that it is fruitless.


Money is important in the sense that it gets us things we need - the essentials and the perks. We are here because we either want to save what we have, or generate more of it. But try not to let it define you. It simply does not. It is just a commodity. Most importantly, try not to project too much into the future. Whatever happens, I am sure you will face the challenge head-on and will continue to learn and grow with every experience you have.


Best of luck

FireWyrm

Meatloaf1981 wrote: »

Believe me, I totally understand. Sometimes it seems people my age are all moving into lovely big 3-bed houses they've managed to buy for good prices, then spend cash on doing them up.

News flash for you Meatloaf...all those friends you are so envious of are up to their eyeballs in debt and most likely will not only never see the light of day again, they hardly even acknowledge that they have a problem.

Sometimes I think those few who have had their Damascene moment are actually the lucky ones, at least you know the shape and depth of the hole you are in...most of your friends don't and are afraid to even look closely enough to see how far down the well they really are.

sofarbehind

clueless1807 wrote: »

Most people our age are approaching the end of a mortgage or are well on their way but I feel like we are about 20 yrs behind.

Oh yes I know all about feeling 20 years behind everyone else! I am indeed so far behind. My sister is two years older than me and became mortgage free three years ago. I became debt free around the same time; comparing myself to her didn't make it feel like an achievement.:(


It's so easy to make comparisons but they only make you feel terrible and nothing good will ever come of it. It's difficult but you have to drag your thoughts back to what you're doing to improve the future. The ever sensible firewyrm makes a very good point; you never know the full picture of anyone else's financial position...My lovely, lovely sister? Sorting out 20k of credit card debt I realised recently.


You have changed your ways and made impressive progress, you must give yourself some credit for that. I feel sure that with your obvious work ethic and tenacity you'll be a home owner eventually. Good luck.

sourcrates

sofarbehind wrote: »

The ever sensible firewyrm makes a very good point; you never know the full picture of anyone else's financial position...My lovely, lovely sister? Sorting out 20k of credit card debt I realized recently.

Its not called the "never, never" for nothing is it !!!!!

Its amazing to me the amount of credit card debt some people actually have, 20k, 30k, even 100k in one post i read this week.

I think we all start out with the best of intentions with regard to repaying it all, but then we get another credit limit increase, and another and so on, the bank wants you to be in debt, and it wants you to only repay the minimum amount each month, that way they get top dollar out of you, and your custom for life.

I read somewhere that total household debt in the uk was in the region of 16 trillion pounds last year, most people get suckered into this cycle of debt, as its regarded as "the norm" except its very rarely talked about, when was the last time your neighbor or family friend confessed to having a 30k credit card debt ?

exactly, its all kept quiet and brushed under the carpet, I would say there are very few people today that hadn't made some kind of financial !!!! up at some point in there lives, its more common than you would think OP.

FireWyrm

sourcrates wrote: »

Its amazing to me the amount of credit card debt some people actually have, 20k, 30k, even 100k in one post i read this week.

As I said on another thread, I have just applied for and got a new credit card which I am transfering two lots of CC debt onto as it is fee free and my 0% balance transfer periods are ending on the other two cards. However, between the 5 cards I have including this new one, I have £40K of potential credit available. I'm not saying this to boast, but from a position of utter bemusement. I can bankroll over one third of my house on credit cards if I was so stupid. When I first got a credit card 15 years ago, I had a credit limit of £1000, now, credit limits of £7.5K are almost normal and £10K reasonably easy to obtain. It is utter nuts. My parents used to obsess over an unpayable overdraft of just £300. How times have changed and not for the better either.

And it gets even worse when you count up the overdrafts I have available. One bank gave me an overdraft of £4000...yes, you read that right. I thought I had put £400 in the box when I applied for the account but to my utter astonishment got £4000! I hasten to add that I do not and have no intention of ever using any of it, but it is actually quite useful as it is my 'petrol' card and if the car ever broke down, it is available should I need it, its the only reason I havnt actually cancelled it.

sourcrates

FireWyrm wrote: »

However, between the 5 cards I have including this new one, I have £40K of potential credit available.

And it gets even worse when you count up the overdrafts I have available. One bank gave me an overdraft of £4000...yes, you read that right.

And they wonder why people get into debt. !!!!!

When such high limits are given, they know most people will max out the cards without thinking, its like been coerced into spending way above your means, they just look at the small 3% repayment per month (used to be 5%) and don't think too hard about the total debt.

I find it quiet scary that that you have a potential 40k credit available Firewyrm, back in the day, i had a gold card with a 10k limit, catalogue with 7.5k limit, various other cards with 5-6k limits, and a 5k OD too, seems to be the way of the world these days.