Turning your life around

clueless1807

I really need some good advice, please no negative comments I feel bad enough as it is. I want this to be a positive thread about making things better.

A few years ago my husband and I were in alot of debt with little income. We have worked really hard to build a business which is now generating some income for us and our debt stands at £10k (being paid slowly but surely). We rent (which we both hate) but having been stupid financially in the past (Im sure Im not alone there), its our only option at the moment (no deposit).

We were ticking along nicely until we got a call a few weeks ago saying that our landlord is returning to the UK and needs to move back into the house. I went into panic mode and just couldnt think straight. We were told we could stay in the house long term and that he had no intention of returning.

Anyway, I have been so down because this phone call has highlighted to me all the stupid things we've done, all the poor decisions we've ever made and I have this terrible feeling of guilt that I cant provide a stable home over my children's heads (they are 13, 9 and 6). I feel so guilty but in a way its made face up to responsibility and think about short/medium/long term planning which is something we have NEVER done in any sensible, well considered manner.

I guess I was wondering if there has been one moment in your life that made you rethink everything you've ever done and made you think about short/medium/long term goals and achieved them?

Meatloaf1981

Hi Clueless,

I had that feeling myself when I first realised we were going to be moving home from a flat I owned and was paying a mortgage on to a terraced house where I would have to pay to rent it. My flat sale lost me £30k which is half the reason I got in so much debt. I am now married with a baby and facing the prospect of spending years repaying my debts and so there are times when I worry that I cannot provide a stable home life for my baby girl and my wife.

I have many regrets over how I handled the whole sale of my flat and the way I conducted myself with regards accruing debt from simple overspending over the years, but the trick is to focus on generating a better future, no matter how long it might take. If you have a clear vision of what you want to achieve in mind, then you need to focus on it and work out how you can go about getting it.

Never, ever give up, otherwise you may as well kiss goodbye to everything you hold dear because now you need to fight for it all.

Muhren

Would just like to offer my support on your journey to becoming debt free. People on here have been in all sorts of different situations becasue of debt so you will get so great advice if you stick around. Good luck!

clueless1807

Hi Meatloaf

Thanks for your reply.

I think part of the problem is that I feel so embarrassed about everything. We live in a lovely house. We negotiated a good rental price a few years ago but now rents have rocketed in our area and we have to take a step (or several!) backwards.

Most people our age are approaching the end of a mortgage or are well on their way but I feel like we are about 20 yrs behind.

clueless1807

Thanks Muhren.

I feel like Ive got the debts under control and they are slowly but surely coming down. They were over £30k and are now £10k so all going in the right direction.

But its the housing/security thing I cant get past. I have alot of "Ifs", if we'd just bought a house 20 yrs ago, if we'd not been so irresponsible, if we'd have had a long term plan......

Meatloaf1981

Believe me, I totally understand. Sometimes it seems people my age are all moving into lovely big 3-bed houses they've managed to buy for good prices, then spend cash on doing them up. I feel like because I got unlucky and made some bad choices, I may never have what they have now but then I rally myself and realise that or course I won't have that if I don't knuckle down and fight for it.

But please don't feel embarrassed. On here, everyone has been through similar situations and many people owe a lot more and have had to cut back far more than you will here. You will find somewhere to rent, have no fear, and the kids will never hold it against you. You need to turn it into an adventure for them as kids love moving house, choosing bedrooms etc. You will be amazed what can be found for a low budget, believe me.

molit

I went to church primary school, and once a week we had an assembly with the vicar. Most of them have gone out of my mind, but one sticks in my mind very well


The reverend came in, and as usual, tried to get us kids 5-10yo iirc, involved. He did this through a number of different ways, but this one stuck out. He asked..what is the worst thing you can say to youself or someone else. Lots of chuckling. After a few "suggestions" he said the answer is if, or if only....the moral of the assembly was that you will make mistakes, but take them as a lesson and share them....perhaps a bit preachy for this forum, I don't mean to be, but you can let previous decisions drag you down, or you can use them to build yourself up...

andyfromotley

You ARE providing a good stable home for your kids!! Ok so you have to move every now and then and occasionally downsize, but never ever forget that real homes are made by what goes on inside them, not the bricks and mortar.

Hopefully you will one day get to where you want to be but don't fall for the lie that the only way to provide a great home is to own it, because it isn't true!!

Meatloaf1981

molit wrote: »

I went to church primary school, and once a week we had an assembly with the vicar. Most of them have gone out of my mind, but one sticks in my mind very well


The reverend came in, and as usual, tried to get us kids 5-10yo iirc, involved. He did this through a number of different ways, but this one stuck out. He asked..what is the worst thing you can say to youself or someone else. Lots of chuckling. After a few "suggestions" he said the answer is if, or if only....the moral of the assembly was that you will make mistakes, but take them as a lesson and share them....perhaps a bit preachy for this forum, I don't mean to be, but you can let previous decisions drag you down, or you can use them to build yourself up...

Yeah I'd go with that. What's done is done, all you can do is make sure you learn from things and continue ever onwards.

clueless1807

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your replies.

Of course, you are right, no point with the what ifs unless I have a time travelling machine and home is what you make it :-)

foxgloves

Well, I've just sat down for a coffee break & thought I'd answer your post. My Gran used to have a saying 'If ifs & ands were pots & pans, there'd be no need for tinkers'. She meant, of course, that we shouldn't waste our time thinking about what could have been.
I understand where you are coming from with your post. I overspent my income from the age of 19 to 46, when I finally had my proper 'Lightbulb moment' regarding money, as opposed to the vague flickers I'd had in the past. Along the way, I acquired a very lovely, but even more spendy & indebted husband. When I sold my house to buy a joint property, I gifted my partner £16k of the profit to pay off his debt, then paid off my own. Nothing about our spending behaviour changed & before long, the overdrafts, loans & credit cards were back. We had a consolidation loan....& ran up the debt again. Did we learn? Nope! We did this twice more, each time borrowing a little more 'just in case'. We are reformed characters since deciding to change our ways & pay off the debt & we are much happier & stronger for it. We met later than many couples, so whereas it feels as though lots of our friends are paying off their mortgages, we still have quite a long way to go. I have been very good at beating myself up in the past, & I'd be lying if I said I didn't still sometimes do it. If I'd not had to waste £16k on my partner's debts, if I'd not kept running up debts myself, if we'd seen the light earlier before 3 soul & money sapping consolidation loans, etc, etc.....it would be all too easy to think of all the things we could now be doing, if our behaviour around money had been responsible 2 decades earlier. But it wasn't! No amount of 'ifs & ands' can change the fact that we made many irresponsible & profligate decisions. I now feel that I would be wasting my time & energy dwelling on these. Corny as it sounds, I can't change the past, & it's only by addressing present choices that I can influence the future. So this post is rather a long way around saying that beating yourself up with regrets is unhelpful. I think you need to accept your circumstances for what they are & make the best choices available to you here & now. If you have to 'pull in your horns' a little financially for a while, there are always cutbacks that can be made. Our income has been reduced by half over the last 4 years but our lifestyle has barely changed because most of the savings have been achieved by reducing waste.
I'm sure you'll soon be able to look at this more positively & start working on a plan x