Relationship with Mother - Annual Visit

enginesuck

Hi,

Im a married guy with kids and havent lived near my parents for 20 years. My relationship with them wasnt the greatest as a teen which looking back was probably my own doing but some of our falling outs / my behaviour was because as a teen i needed guidance which i didnt get a whole lot of.

Ive visited annually for a week or so but the last couple of years its been very hard to get along. My mother was an only child and she has carved her identity out as the queen of her kingdom - basically she gets her own way, dad lets her get away with it - which is fine as it works for them.

The problem is i dont enjoy visiting, neither does my wife - it seems to be a chore every year , we dont look forward to it, the last time there was a blazibng row and we ended up leaving early and driving through the night.

It becomes quite expensive so visit for the week (1200 mile round trip) We end up spending a grand on travel, activities etc (im not badly off but we could enjoy a family holiday for the same amount)

I also begrudge spending 25% of my annual leave feeling like i have to visit.

Now this is what bothers me is that she dotes on her grandchildren and they in turn dote on her i dont want them to become estranged at all as i had a close relationship with my grandparents and it was brillliant - but then i lived in the same town as them.

They have visited us in the past and rented a caravan or cottage but they arent willing to travel anymore (theres nothing physically wrong with them) Also they are retired so are free to visit our area whenever whereas we are constrained by kids school term and getting annual leave.

I dont know what to do the summer is looming and we aree expected to visit - my wife and i would rather take the kids somewhere hot instead - buit im risking my relationship with them by doing this.

I should also add we have a very good relationship via telephone ! we talk weekly and keep in touch, its just face to face we feel uncomfortable in her home.

TIA

Piggywiggy

How about rather than going to stay with them you find somewhere else around an hour away, that way you aren't going to be on top of each other you could just visit them the once and plan a family outing or they may even want to have your children for the day, I know what it's like to not get along with a family member, me and my mother have always had a stretched relationship but since moving away from her I now see her for around an hour every week or two and it's much less stressful.

enginesuck

I think that would go down badly, they enjoy tucking the kids in a night and breakfast time etc, one time my wife and I went to a hotel a couple of hours away for a couple of night while they had the kids. It was nice but we looked at how much everything cost and were a bit annnoyed as we could have taken the kids to spain for a week with the overall cost !

It seems its either a family holiday - which we havent really ha abroad as a family or visit them - i get 4 weeks leave a year i use 2 at christamas to guarentee that period off (i missed 3 of their christmases due to previous job - never again !) That leaves me with 2 weeks !

Mojisola

enginesuck wrote: »

Now this is what bothers me is that she dotes on her grandchildren and they in turn dote on her i dont want them to become estranged at all as i had a close relationship with my grandparents and it was brillliant - but then i lived in the same town as them.

Are the children old enough to stay for a week with their grandparents on their own? It would mean doing two trips to take and collect them unless you could get your parents to meet you halfway to hand the kids over but that would be better than a week you're dreading.

fairy_lights

enginesuck wrote: »

I think that would go down badly, they enjoy tucking the kids in a night and breakfast time etc,

Well tough, if they don't want to make the effort to travel to visit you they can't expect you to shell out a fortune every year to visit them.
How old are your kids? Could you send them to stay with their grandparents on their own?

Topcat1982

Why don't you all go abroad? Separate hotel rooms not one big villa of course. They won't annoy you as much that way

liney

Would they go with you to Spain? Hire a villa together?


Crossed posts!

enthusiasticsaver

We have had similar issues in the past as we live a fair distance away from our families and when our kids were small we did alternate trips up there each year during the summer and Christmas and did trips abroad every other year.


One year they came abroad with us and that worked well but we did not live in each others' pockets. I think your parents do need to appreciate that annual leave is limited as are finances and if they are not willing to meet you halfway by making the journey occasionally themselves they will have to adjust to seeing you and the children less.

TBagpuss

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to explain to them that it I will not be possible for you to visit this summer. You can say that you would be more than happy for them to visit, and could suggest options to them - for instance, if they are not keen to drive 600 miles, would it be possible for them to get a train or flight , and for you to pick them up and drive them to pick up a local hire car, for instance?

It might work for you to expressly invite them - suggest a couple of alternative dates and set out options. that way, they cannot claim that you are not letting them see the childnre, or are not willing to see them, and it also allows you to manage expectations. (for instance you can say in the invitation that you / your wife will be working for some of the period but that you would be able to take a long weekend, (if that is true) and that they would be welcome to spend time with the children tor to pursue their own activities in the local area while you are at work

How old are your children? And how do they feel about spending time with your parents? If they enjoy it, then arranging for them to visit by themselves might be an option. Are they of an age where they could go by train or plane unaccompanied?

Youi could also look into options around having a holiday somewhere closer to where they live - rent a cottage, or go to centreparcs, or whatever appeals to you. You can then arrange to spend some time with them without necessarily staying with them, which you may find easier to cope with,. You can also potentially arrange for the children to stay over night with grandparents for a day or two to give you and your wife some time alone.

I'm sure that you will get some pushback from your parents, as they have been used to you doing one thing, and to accommodating them, and it sounds as though they won't want that to change, but that does not mean that you should give in.

I would try to come up with a compromise - maybe agree with your wife that you will go to your parents every other summer, for instance.

Try no to argue with your mum and dad - you don't have to give them a long explanation, a simple "We are not going to be able to visit you this summer, but if you want to come here we'd love to spend some time with you / you'd be more than welcome to come to stay for a week / we'd be happy to meet you at the station and take you to pick up a hire car, if you don;t want to drive the whole way".

If you give too much detail as to why, you may find that they try to argue (e.g if you say it is too expensive, they may read that as you saying that if they help with the cost, to come up with cheaper options, you would come, so it can be best not to try to justify why you are not doing it - a simple "it won;t be possible this summer" is enough.

TBagpuss

PS - I agree with PPs - you could also tell them that you are taking the children abroad but that if they would like to book somewhere in the same area you'd be happy for them to do so - very much up to you whether you suggest sharing a villa / gite, or whether you prefer to suggest that they travel and book accommodation independently but in the same area.

It's great that you are thinking about the effect on the children, but do bear in mind that they are not going to get much benefit from visiting their grandparents if their parents are feeling resentful about it. They will pick up on that no matter how hard you try to hide it!

enginesuck

Thanks for the responses.

The kids arent old enough to travel alone (under 10) they have stayed with their grandparents for a week alone - we met halfway ( still cost £250 in fuel and £150 in travel lodge accomodation for the drop off and pick up - and 1200 miles on the car (i sound like a skin flint i know ! - im not really but i like to get value for money lol )

Going on holiday with them would be a big no no for us - im a different person to the son who left at 18. I dont enjoy their company if im being honest. Talking to my dad is like talking to a bank manager lol

I think its likely we will just bite the bullet and visit - I cant see any other way.