Childless by circumstance

Tuesday_Tenor

Gaia2014 wrote: »

I'm finding myself at 40 becoming increasingly isolated after separating from my long term partner (didn't want children) and subsequent loss of friendships both mutual and separate (the later has come about by the majority of my friends settling down with children etc and my need to distance myself)...

Any coping strategies would be gratefully received .

Yes, it sounds like a tough time; loss of partner, loss of mutual friends, distancing of own friends ... all at once ... when you're also sorting financial difficulties...

The main thing is to be getting out and doing some things you enjoy, with other new people. What interests you: walking group, sport, music, church group, circle dance? Or try something you wouldn't do otherwise. I'm currently attending a philosophy group as I support a disabled friend to attend; not something I'd do otherwise, or will continue in future, but have enjoyed it more than expected and it has certainly expanded my acquaintances as I keep seeing the same people at other events.

Your existing friendships WILL change; as I wasn't child-focused, people who became so didn't have so much in common for a good while. But my best friend now is the best friend I was bridesmaid for 25 years ago; there was just a period of 12 years or so when we had less in common and didn't see each other so much, so don't think you'll lose contact for ever.

Conversely, many people believe that you increase your chances of something happening if you act AS IF it is already happening. So, if you want a child-focused life, perhaps you should stick with the friends with children, enjoying them to the full, rather than re-inforcing your child-less interests and activities.

Lots to think about, lots to do with your life ... Blessings come in many guises: partners, children, health, work-fulfillment, freedom ... Try to concentrate on the positives of whatever is happening and you'll be OK!

Tuesday_Tenor

Gaia
Childless by circumstance

Yes there's definitely a difference to 'childless by choice'. There was a thread on the latter on this board not so long ago, but I wasn't able to contribute there as I certainly never said I didn't want children at all or made a conscious decision not to have them at all.

Other people might think 'but it's so easy to get pregnant, how can anyone wanting a child not have one ....'. But life's not that simple for some of us. We DONT just meet the right person at the right time.

Unlike you I wasn't prepared to have a child on my own though.
And I could never have got pregnant 'by accident', presenting my dearly-loved partner of my 20s with a 'faith accompli'. I'm sure thats how a lot of women cope with partners who aren't interested or unsure about fatherhood. I couldn't.

I've never written down the 'story of my life' from this perspective, and am pleased to have been able to do so. (Post#11). Thanks for the opportunity , and I hope it's helpful. If your worst fear at the moment is NOT having a child, you'll probably find a way. I just wanted you to know that your worst fear might turn out to be not so bad after all, just different.

Yorkie1

FBaby wrote: »

Going for IVF at 40 is taking a gamble. The chances of pregnancy are low each time and will go down at each attempt. Unless you are very lucky, it can turn into a very expensive choice without the desirable outcome in the end. It's a very testing mental and emotional journey weighting the investment against the chance of gain, both in terms of moving on and accepting life without a child, or giving everything to get to that aim.

Yes, fertility does start to drop off at 40.

However, bear in mind that the vast majority of IVF 'success/failure' rates involve people for whom there is a medical fertility issue - and so for whom a positive outcome may be less likely from the outset.

I had a friend who had not met the right man by the time she was 40, had always wanted children, and became pregnant the first time she did IVF (alone) at 40.

As it happens, she did then meet someone and had another child (naturally) 3 years later.

Gaia2014

Thanks for all the replies on this often emotive topic... Need to work out how to include quotations because I would like to reply to you all individually .

Lots of different perspectives. I think for me the ideal would be to meet somebody who either has or would like a child with me. I don't want to spend thousands of pounds on expensive fertility treatment though,when it might not work (already tried IVF once despite having good test results).

Adoption feels like a very real possibility either single or in the context of a relationship. In the meantime I plan to ask my GP for a referral to a fertility counsellor at my local ACU to talk it all through.

I'm at a bit of a low ebb - relationship breakdown, failed IVF etc. It will pass.

Topcat1982

Why don't you start the adoption process as a single person? It can take a while to get on the list

mumps

Gaia2014 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies on this often emotive topic... Need to work out how to include quotations because I would like to reply to you all individually .

Lots of different perspectives. I think for me the ideal would be to meet somebody who either has or would like a child with me. I don't want to spend thousands of pounds on expensive fertility treatment though,when it might not work (already tried IVF once despite having good test results).

Adoption feels like a very real possibility either single or in the context of a relationship. In the meantime I plan to ask my GP for a referral to a fertility counsellor at my local ACU to talk it all through.

I'm at a bit of a low ebb - relationship breakdown, failed IVF etc. It will pass.

Do you have fertility issues? Just wondered if artificial insemination would work for you, I assume it is much cheaper as lets face it people DIY with the good old turkey baster. I know the cost of IVF is a real problem for alot of people.

I know a couple of people going through the adoption process at the moment, it isn't easy but they are very excited as are their partners.

Good luck whatever road you travel, as the mother of 4 I wouldn't be without them but sometimes the childfree road looks quite appealing. I don't mind the money or the hardwork it is the worrying, there always seems to be something one needs a job, they get the job and the next one has a relationship breakdown, they meet someone else and number 3 needs an operation. Oh joy, I am feeling a bit down as well but don't even know why. I think I am going to have a rest and try to make up for lack of sleep and I might feel a bit more positive.

Tuesday_Tenor

>>>>>>> I'm at a bit of a low ebb - relationship breakdown, failed IVF etc. It will pass.

Yes it will, honestly. Good that you recognise it.

There's a quote button at the bottom of the message. That quotes the whole lot. If I'd need to cut a lot out, it can be easier to just cut and paste as I've done here.

Life is full of ironic twists, I find.
1) If I hadn't kept the idea of children to the fore, I might still have been with one of the two special men from my 20s and 30s .... ( or might not .... who knows ....).
2) I'm blessed with youthful looks so at 45 people were thinking I was 35 and saying there was still plenty of time for children, when I knew it was already at least five years too late! Bleurghhhh!

On the other side though,
1) I'm 56 now, and if I'd had children late in life I might have 14-16 year olds right now. Scary thought, and I'm happy without them!
2) I never had to experience the generational pull that some friends are going through: elderly parents needing care, while adolescents in turmoil, while still needing to work significantly to support family financially. Some friends in their 50s are EXHAUSTED with all this, whereas I'm at a very relaxed stage of my life right now. My parents became needy just when, in my late 40s, for the first time ever, I had substantial savings and could choose not to work for a while. So for 6 months I lived with them to care for Mum, then spent 3 years partly at my own home, working a bit, and partly with Dad to give him a bit of support. I couldn't have done this easily/at all if I'd had my own family.
So clouds and silver linings are definitely conjoined; throughout life you have to be aware of both. No life is perfect, many ways of living can be rewarding and happy.

j.e.j.

Re.adoption, from what I have gleaned it's a pretty difficult if not impossible task in this country. Too much red tape.

Turtle

j.e.j. wrote: »

Re.adoption, from what I have gleaned it's a pretty difficult if not impossible task in this country. Too much red tape.

Difficult yes, certainly not impossible. I have a number of friends and acquaintances that have adopted.

FBaby

However, bear in mind that the vast majority of IVF 'success/failure' rates involve people for whom there is a medical fertility issue - and so for whom a positive outcome may be less likely from the outset.

The reason why IVF success is lower after 40 is not much because of fertility issues but because the quality of eggs drops signficantly and that affects women with fertility issues as much as those who don't.

Of course there are some success stories, but for each one of them, there will be many who will have invested large sum of money with nothing for it in the end.

It's a hard decision to make especially when you have to make financial sacrifices with potential serious consequences (I know one couple who sold their house and after 5 attempts still didn't get pregnant, well did once but miscarried) and suffered from mental health issues afterwards once they realised what they'd done.

I am pretty certain that I had been in the position of OP, I would have gone for IVF, as becoming a mum meant so much to me, but I think I would have made a deal with myself on the numbers of goes and accept after that to move on if it wasn't meant to be.