Childless by circumstance

Gaia2014

Hi, I thought I'd start a thread on this topic because I know I can't be the only one on this forum that struggles with this issue... the journey isn't over for me yet.. I'm still hoping it will happen either with a partner or without, but I'm really struggling with the here and now, which is childless by circumstance and trying to become financially solvent by 2016...

I'm finding myself at 40 becoming increasingly isolated after separating from my long term partner (didn't want children) and subsequent loss of friendships both mutual and separate (the later has come about by the majority of my friends settling down with children etc and my need to distance myself)...

Any coping strategies would be gratefully received .

sofarbehind

Hello,


I'm single and 36 soon. Split with my partner a few years ago and haven't been able to find a replacement! I don't think I'm going to be able to find one either so I've accepted that it looks unlikely I'll have a family.


I went through a stage when I felt as you do. It's painful to attend other people's weddings, baby showers and kids parties. I have definitely been left behind. Funnily enough this has become a source of comfort. I've realised that a lot of my friends don't have great family support and I have a role to play in their children's life. I also realised that sometimes they really need me and being a parent is tough.


Life doesn't always work out how you expect it but that's ok, there are lots of ways to be fulfilled. I'm just trying my best to be a really good auntie. That's what I've got to work with and it's more than some people.


It sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment, I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for being so strong and sorting out your future. Good luck.

hazyjo

Was with someone from 24 to around 30. Kids were next on the agenda. We'd been married 3 months and I found out he'd been cheating on me with his secretary (started 3 days before our wedding which her & her husband had come to). Got married a 2nd time when I was 40. Split up 2 years later (he never wanted kids but I did). I'm now 44 and doubt it'll happen. My OH doesn't want any more and tbh I have got used to the fact it's prob not on my agenda. It takes a while to get your head round and there has been some anger and bitterness over the years, but you come to count your blessings. All of my close childhood friends have kids, but weirdly only one of my main group of friends now. The older you get, you'll probably find you meet similar friends x

VfM4meplse

Gaia2014 wrote: »

Any coping strategies would be gratefully received .

If you really want kids, just do it.

I mean it, with our without a partner. I'm not that far off your position, the difference is that after years of working like a dog I'm lucky enough to be able to fund a family and have come to the conclusion that kids have to come above a relationship for me at this stage. If I have both, brilliant - if not its baby hands-down. As for solvency, work on it for the next 9 months, study the OS board religiously and you'll find ways of managing. Remember that no-one in this country goes hungry, you've got a lot to give a child and come with years of life experience and the common sense a teenager wouldn't have. As for baby "stuff" - register with freecycle and you'll be amazed what comes your way!

It's not going to be easy, but nothing that is worth it ever is.

VfM4meplse

hazyjo wrote: »

My OH doesn't want any more and tbh I have got used to the fact it's prob not on my agenda. It takes a while to get your head round and there has been some anger and bitterness over the years, but you come to count your blessings. All of my close childhood friends have kids, but weirdly only one of my main group of friends now. The older you get, you'll probably find you meet similar friends x

I'm saddened by this post, but OP if you find yourself in this position the I'd recommend you think about support from Jody Day (Gateway): http://gateway-women.com

At 40, you are not ready to resign yourself to a childless life. I'd argue the same is true of most 44 year olds but individual biology prevails.

Peccary

I don't know if you would consider adoption but someone i know adopted on her own in her late 30s. I know it isn't an easy course to take but i just posting this to show it is possible.

FBaby

At 40, you are not ready to resign yourself to a childless life

I don't think it is fair to consider accepting a potential life without a child at 40 being seen as resigning. Of course it is not impossible and as a matter of fact, a member of my family was exactly in the OP shoes at 40, just broken up from partner, childless and desperate to be a mum. She met her husband at 40, married at 41, fell pregnant at 42 but unfortunately miscarried, fell again at 44 and gave birth at 45.

It is possible of course, but I think it is the right mental approach to also focus on all the other aspect of life that can be extremely fulfilling other than becoming a parent. Going for IVF at 40 is taking a gamble. The chances of pregnancy are low each time and will go down at each attempt. Unless you are very lucky, it can turn into a very expensive choice without the desirable outcome in the end. It's a very testing mental and emotional journey weighting the investment against the chance of gain, both in terms of moving on and accepting life without a child, or giving everything to get to that aim.

missbiggles1

Another vote for adoption; there are so many children out there who are desparate for a family of their own.

circulartriangle

Hello Gaia, I don't really having anything useful to add but just wanted to offer some support, being in a similar situation to you and finding things really tough at the moment too. Hugs x

Tuesday_Tenor

Childless by circumstance - sums up my life completely!
(Female tenor, by the way!)

I'd never been desperate for children. Had a busy and full life in my 20s and 30s, but always assumed I'd have children 'later on'.

My partner in my 20s was always clear that he didn't want children; as I say, I wasn't desperate and assumed we'd mature into wanting them at the same time. At 28 I was getting broody and I decided to give myself a chance of finding someone else to have a family with; we split up but in many ways stayed best friends for another 10 years.

I spent most of my 30s on my own, partly because I fell deeply in love with a great chap - who ALSO didn't want children .... Aaaagh! How do I pick them?! We never pursued this relationship because of the children issue. At this stage I never met anyone else remotely suitable as a life partner or father for my children; as you get older this does definitely get harder. Tried dating agencies (this was pre-online...); some interesting experiences, but nothing special.

I never considered having a child on my own, as I could barely support myself, never mind someone else, and had seen what being a single mum was like for friends and didn't want that for myself.

Then I had an early menopause; all over by the time I was 40. That was a low point.

I then met a lovely man who'd already had his children, now nearly adults, and didn't want more, so the inability to have children seemed to 'fit'. I sailed through my 40s, loving my job, experiencing neither period pains or menopausal stuff, as that was all behind me! Most of my career has been in health and social care, so plenty of care and giving to people

I'm enjoying my 50s too, on my own again, in good health, with a freedom and independence that comes from having no family ties. I was free to give up work to care for Mum and support Dad in their last few years. I now work very part time, practically retired at 56. Have lots of time for friends, community commitments, hobbies, travels.

I don't know whether I'd have made a good parent or not; in theory I would, in practice I'm so OK on my own it might have been a very stressful disaster ....!

Odd regrets: have never made love with the intention of creating a child; no one has ever wanted me to be the mother of their children ... The fact that I notice these things rather than the lack of subsequent generations around me probably speaks volumes about my self-centredness and unsuitability as a parent!

So all in all; a childless life is different to most people's, but by no means dreadful. Actually, I believe it's one in five women who don't have children ... More than you'd think, so thanks for giving us a voice by starting this thread!

moneyistooshorttomention

sofarbehind wrote: »

Hello,


I'm single and 36 soon. Split with my partner a few years ago and haven't been able to find a replacement! I don't think I'm going to be able to find one either so I've accepted that it looks unlikely I'll have a family.


I went through a stage when I felt as you do. It's painful to attend other people's weddings, baby showers and kids parties. I have definitely been left behind. Funnily enough this has become a source of comfort. I've realised that a lot of my friends don't have great family support and I have a role to play in their children's life. I also realised that sometimes they really need me and being a parent is tough.


Life doesn't always work out how you expect it but that's ok, there are lots of ways to be fulfilled. I'm just trying my best to be a really good auntie. That's what I've got to work with and it's more than some people.


It sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment, I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for being so strong and sorting out your future. Good luck.

I like this attitude:T. Its very positive and making the best of things.

Re another posters' comment on "no-one in this country goes hungry" = oh yes...they do.

I've read various posters on MSE commenting on having gone hungry as a child. Also try reading agirlcalledjack's blog and some of her posts about the way things have been in her own life are quite hard-hitting - particularly one about having gone hungry and wondering how to feed her child.

EDIT: http://agirlcalledjack.com/

is where that blog is and that particular post is on there somewhere.

Add the numerous posters on Old Style sub-forum wondering how to make an impossibly low amount of money feed the household...yes there really ARE people expecting to eat for £10 a week (even some quoting £5 a week). Whereas, my starting figure for anyone would be in the £25 plus range per person per week.