Happy relationships? Anyone? Anyone?

ChrisJJ

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and experiences. It makes me hopeful that eventually I will have that. As many of you have pointed out, communication is so important. That was totally lacking in the relationship that has just ended - I tried so hard, used every tool available to me, but to no avail. Towards the end I could feel myself giving up.

I'm certainly aware that relationships are not plain sailing, and god knows I'm not perfect, but From the beginning I knew how important effective communication was, and although he agreed with this in calmer moments, when things were going badly, when we most needed to communicate, he totally reneged on everything. All the 'relationship killers' were brought into play by him including stonewalling, which he used to great effect. It almost literally drove me mad.

*deep breath*

So yes, I love hearing about other people's relationships and interactions (I'm not nosey, just curious, honestly...) And it really does make me feel better to know you're out there, and that it's possilble to feel safe in a partnership.

ChrisJJ

tea_lover wrote: »

Loving these answers . Am in a similar situation OP - just extricating myself from a pretty poor relationship. Have spent years convincing myself it wasn't that bad and it would do, it's quite an eye opener to let yourself really see things as they are... and how they could be.

Here's to a brighter future for both of us

Yes, tea lover, that's what I tried to do: tried to tell myself it wasn't that bad! But deep down (not even that deep down really) I knew it wasn't. With distance things become even more clear.

Good luck

LameWolf

Both of us "recycled" and went through awful first marriages.

We've now been together coming up to 13 years (married for just over 11).

It's not all sunshine and roses; I'm not the easiest person on the planet to live with, but we never end the day on an unresolved difference, and that, I think, helps.

He has never, ever complained about having to do tasks I cannot manage (I'm disabled). He even cheerfully scrubs the loo (as I pointed out to him, he can put more "oomph" behind it than I can.):D

He'll happily take over a task I've started, even cooking dinner, if my lupus sledgehammers me into submission (it can do this with zero warning).

If I'm struggling, upset, or stressed, he'll always ask "What can I do to help?"

As others have said, liking each other, as well as loving each other, is important.:o

ChrisJJ

LameWolf wrote: »

Both of us "recycled" and went through awful first marriages.

We've now been together coming up to 13 years (married for just over 11).

It's not all sunshine and roses; I'm not the easiest person on the planet to live with, but we never end the day on an unresolved difference, and that, I think, helps.

He has never, ever complained about having to do tasks I cannot manage (I'm disabled). He even cheerfully scrubs the loo (as I pointed out to him, he can put more "oomph" behind it than I can.):D

He'll happily take over a task I've started, even cooking dinner, if my lupus sledgehammers me into submission (it can do this with zero warning).

If I'm struggling, upset, or stressed, he'll always ask "What can I do to help?"

As others have said, liking each other, as well as loving each other, is important.:o

It sounds like you have a great partnership there, LameWolf. Although I don't have Lupus, I do have an illness that causes me difficulties, including not being able to handle stressful, adrenalin fuelled situations. It's so important that a partner understands, and demonstrates that they understand.

Sounds like you have a good balance between the two of you

bossymoo

LameWolf wrote: »

Both of us "recycled" and went through awful first marriages.

Aww LW I like the idea of being recycled. I hope someone recycles me some day too x

tea_lover

I have just put myself out in the recycling

melloecastro

Hello Again ChrisJJ. Hope you are feeling better. Try to think positively that you have your freedom back and that there is someone out there and that you deserved better. After the 5.5 years with the bully I told you about I just decided to do some online dating to see what happened and met the OH after a couple of dates. We just get on and it just feels like a friendship and a relationship. I honestly believe good times are on there way for you!

SuzieSue

Jagraf wrote: »

Have been with my OH for 13 years now after we were both in other, quite traumatic relationships. It has taken us years to get our lives together and has been an emotional roller coaster with divorce, debt issues and other problems.

We have now reached a peaceful place and I still fancy him like mad and all the past is in the past. We have stuck together when most would have given up and I'm proud of what we have achieved.

Snap! (10 years, not 13 years though).

We both say that we are able to appreciate each other much more because of our previous bad relationships and so we don't take each other for granted.

So having a bad relationship in the past isn't necessarily a bad thing.