Life after emotional abuse?

ChrisJJ

Is there life after an emotionally abusive relationship? Logic tells me yes, of course, but my emotions disagree. Guess when your heart is breaking, logic doesn't get a look in.

I'm hurting like Billy-o right now, and I think I just need to hear from other people who've been there, got the very expensive t-shirt (cost me my mental health and can't get a refund!) And emerged on the other side realising life was worth living again.

Also, to the women who've been through this, if you've been involved with angry, aggressive men, did it leave you fearful of men? How did you cope with that fear when becoming involved with future partners?

Thank you for reading and apologies if this is a tad garbled: not coping very well with thinking tasks right now

krustylouise

I was with someone who was emotionally abusive for 6 years. We had a child together. When I met him I was still grieving for my Mum. I didnt have much of a relationship with the remainder of my family and those I did he made sure it was severed completely. Likewise my friends.

He would make comments about my appearance, saying that noone else would want me. He would go out with his friends while I was alone at home. He would accuse me of upsetting "everyone" and that I "always have an argument with someone there must be something wrong with me".

He never did anything to help with our child and it was like he too was a child and needed mothering, cooking, cleaning, driving here there and everywhere as he couldn't (and would then criticise my driving!)

The final blow came after our child was 18months old, our sex life was none existent, I suffered severe agoraphobia and he and our child were my only life. I discovered he had masturbated and rang him whilst he was out and questioned why he would do that. He laughed down the phone at me and said he no longer found me sexually attractive. That broke me. I had given him my everything, sacrificed my career I bring up our child, was the only person caring for him and our child, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving, carried our child and in my opinion was a fantastic Mum yet he thought so little of me. He would belittle me even further.

I got a part time job, enrolled our child in nursery, fought my agoraphobia demons, suffered panic attacks but took each one as they came. I split up from him and he moved in to live with his mum. He begged me back several times, admitted that he didnt mean the things he said and didn't know why he'd said them. 6 years on I am married to a wondeful, caring, considerate man, I am stronger and more confident. I know I deserve more from people, more from life. We are expecting a child together and couldn't be happier. My daughter is now 7 and has a relationship with his Dad, which has had it's problems but that's life and you work through those issues.

Life does go on, and from the hardest situations you become the strongest of people.

Cut all ties from that person, KNOW that you deserve more. Don't listen to any comments about noone will want you etc because the truth is who would settle for a manipulative, emotionless person? Noone. You have so much to give and the right person will eventually come along and appreciate you for what you are and show you just how special you are.

Keep going because something amazing is right round the corner stay strong

mum2one

I had a emotional and a abusive relationship I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder - from what I'd been through, I had a child by him thou we split up when I was 7 mths gone.

It was hard not saying it was an easy ride, took a long time to turn things around, but I did it.

As for new relationships I havent gone into long term ones that's been different reasons, I did find it hard to trust but I found myself being more picky, and there's someome at the mo who is a really gd friend and maybe more, it's a big step to take but it can be done.

I've turned my life around, I started open uni and got as far as foundation degree thou I did get qualifications along the route, I've travelled both just me And my daughter, we've experienced swimming with dolphins, riding an elephant.

I've got a really gd support network of friends and family that made life worthwhile. Xx

74jax

It's hell. Absolute hell. If you search back through my threads, if you want, you see I post every couple of years about the same thing. Something might be said or seen to trigger that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It doesn't go away, but remember it less. Not every second of every day. When the door goes you don't automatically feel your heart beating twice the speed

I did meet someone, three months later, so very soon. He helped me through my court case and took time with me. I was a complete moron to him. If forgot what a normal relationship was like. We split up, I realised I was a prat and begged him to give it another go, he did.

It's very hard but you can move on. But in small steps.

Vikipollard

OP, yes there definitely is.


I met my first husband aged 15, he was 19. I was what would today be called vulnerable due to my home life, and jumped at what I thought was a normal family. Didn't take long before the insults and belittling started (fat, ugly, frigid (at 15...), no imagination, useless at cooking, stupid). The abuse wasn't just emotional for m, it was sexual as well. Needed medical treatment for that.


Fast forward 21 years (yes, years) and 2 children later and I met someone at the gym (that I was ridiculed for joining "you wont go, no will power etc".) Learned that actually what husband wanted/expected wasn't normal at all, and that it was ok to fight back. So I did. I got slim and fitter than I've every been in my life - and with that came confidence and self-esteem. Left husband.


I went into another relationship and sadly for me it was emotionally abusive again. Good for most of the time, but he knew just how to gouge my insecurities. But this time I decided it was going to stop and I was going to take control - and I have.


It may seem odd that I am still with him, but it is ONLY because I retook my confidence back. Little things like if I arranged to meet my sis & BIL he'd suddenly put his back out so we couldn't go. Until I said fine, I'll go alone. If he has a not-talking-to-you-but-I-won't-tell-you-why session, then I ask (out of concern), then simply leave him to it. I don't feel any need to apologise for things that can't possibly be my fault any more.


I tell you this because it is often said that people often make similar choices. I appear to have done - but in this case I decided enough was enough, but I would give him the chance to treat me differently.


There's a lot more to it than that (no, really there is!). You can - and will - get through this, and there are lots of really fabulous people out there when you are ready.

marisco_2

ChrisJJ wrote: »

Is there life after an emotionally abusive relationship?

There is definitely a wonderful life to embrace and enjoy after leaving an abusive relationship. My advice is to take things one day at a time, be very kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel every emotion that hits you. Don't make the mistake of bottling things up, nor of over analysing all that went on and trying to make sense of it. Some things there are just no making sense of.

What I went through hasn't left me fearful of men or of having another relationship. I learnt a lot from what I experienced and can handle myself and spot alarm bells a mile off now.

Your message isn't garbled at all. You are clearly intelligent and express yourself articulately. I hope that the responses on this thread will help you and I wish you all the best OP.

ChrisJJ

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It sounds like you've all had to deal with some really horrible situations - well done for coping as well as it seems you all have.

It's such a difficult situation, as he didn't fit any of the profiles of an abuser, he never actually hit me (only raised his fist once) and never called me names, never tried to isolate me or control me. On the contrary, he was very supportive of all I wanted to do. This made it extra hard to accept that his behaviour was abusive.

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Freedom Programme? If so, then the profile of The Bully is the only one that could really apply to him.

The way he would glare at me though, and use silence to intimidate me, and the way he would shout at me and walk out on me, I realised that they were all abusive behaviours. But still I stayed. Because in his calm moments (and he was a lovely man, believe it or not) he clearly loved me and hated the thought of losing me.

Vikipollard - well done for taking your confidence back! What you said about not apologising for things that are not your fault any more - yes, I empathise with that. I have tried to claw back my confidence, but as I knew he could blow at any time, I was hyper vigilant and consequently, very anxious. He didn't like this. He reacted badly to any show of anxiety or fear on my part. He never truly accepted his part in its creation. It was, apparantly, my responsibility to to get rid of it. He never seemed to understand that the more he exploded at me, blamed me, the more my anxiety grew.

I know what I have to do. As you all probably are aware though, it can be so damned hard!


Thank you again.

ChrisJJ

marisco wrote: »

There is definitely a wonderful life to embrace and enjoy after leaving an abusive relationship. My advice is to take things one day at a time, be very kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel every emotion that hits you. Don't make the mistake of bottling things up, nor of over analysing all that went on and trying to make sense of it. Some things there are just no making sense of.

What I went through hasn't left me fearful of men or of having another relationship. I learnt a lot from what I experienced and can handle myself and spot alarm bells a mile off now.

Your message isn't garbled at all. You are clearly intelligent and express yourself articulately. I hope that the responses on this thread will help you and I wish you all the best OP.

Thank you, marisco, you're right about the 'over analysing' - it's pointless. I know in my heart that he is the one with the problem, not me, and that he was cruel. Nothing that wasn't real, or that was imagined could have affected me this much.

I've been shaking all day and almost had a heart attack today when a plastic bag glided up to me on the breeze! :rotfl: It's because my senses are so heightened. I can smile about it now, but really, when I realised it was just a plastic bag I nearly started crying!!

*sigh*

Thanks for all your kind words.

sarahj1986

OP,

I'm approaching a year since I split with my abusive ex and it's the best thing I ever did. I got together with her at 17 (she was 19) and I was besotted but slowly over time she began to control me and ridicule me constantly. Just before I ended it I contemplated suicide, I didn't want to be with her anymore but she made me feel so worthless and useless that I wouldn't be able to cope without her. One Saturday morning something inside me just flipped, I was 27 and I was acting like my life was over, I'd resigned myself to this fate. I decided that no I wasn't going to stand for it and I left. I no live with my most beautiful kind and caring boyfriend who was there to help me through things. We had a mortgage and flat together and finally after nearly 9 months from the split the sale completed and I haven't seen her since. It's left with me with a joint debt of £22k that I don't expect her ever to pay, nor will I contact her about it because I'd rather pay it and be free and never speak to her again than have her pay her share and still be in contact.

OP, you are so brave in facing up to the relationship being abusive. It took me nearly 10 years to realise it and as mentioned above it brought me down to the depths if despair and depression but you will get through it

melloecastro

Keep the faith that there are amazing people out there. My ex was controlling, emotionally cold but it took me a long while to see it. I found out I was pregnant, he responded by saying some very hurtful things but that day something snapped in me and I didn't beg him to come back as I did before. Sadly I miscarried, it was a sad time but I would not want to have brought a child into that situation. He tried again to control me after we split and it was hard to not be fearful but I overcame it and met someone amazing. When I say how amazing he is he reminds me that this is normal behaviour. You deserve more than that and it is not your fault. Value each day moving forward as you are on the road to freedom! Sending positive thoughts and a hug!

melloecastro

And to make you feel better I would add I am a "normal" thirty something with normal friends and 3 or 4 of my close circle have experienced the same thing. It can happen to anyone! Yes they don't hit you but the looks and the silence are weapons all the same. xx