Life after emotional abuse?

ChrisJJ

marisco wrote: »

Ah bless you, it is very natural to feel really on edge and jumpy at first. Your honesty gave me goose bumps. I remember in the early days after leaving my marriage, a car horn going off by me which made me dissolve into floods of tears and shake. My nerves had been shattered.

Even now nearly 9 years on I cant be around anyone who appears to be volatile. Raised voices or people losing control scare the life out of me because I don't trust how far things may escalate. Logic tells me that few if any people would lose it as my ex was capable of doing. Still I have to move away and distance myself.

Marisco, I feel the same. Raised voices scare me and I have to move away. I was never this jittery before this relationship around raised voices. He has such a deep voice too that when he shouts, it frightens me. In the very early stages of the relationship I respectfully asked that he didn't shout at me as it was very upsetting, but never made an difference: if he wants to shout, he will!

You say that logic tells you others will not behave like your ex - I have that logic too, but am so apprehensive about having another man raise his voice to me. I would just freeze. I used to freeze anyway, it would remove my power of articulate speech. And to add insult to inury, as I was trying to move past that 'fear block', he would cut me off as I clearly wasn't talking quickly enough!

What hurts is that I could have forgiven so much, hell, I DID forgive so much, if at those moments he had backtracked and just took the time and patience to hold my hand and sit with me whilst my fear subsided enough for me to express why I was so shaken. But of course, it was always my fault for having the fear in the first place. He hated to see evidence of that.

And, marisco, if it'd been a car horn yesterday instead of a plastic bag, I would most certainly have set a world record for the high jump

aqua111

Vikipollard wrote: »

OP, yes there definitely is.


I met my first husband aged 15, he was 19. I was what would today be called vulnerable due to my home life, and jumped at what I thought was a normal family. Didn't take long before the insults and belittling started (fat, ugly, frigid (at 15...), no imagination, useless at cooking, stupid). The abuse wasn't just emotional for m, it was sexual as well. Needed medical treatment for that.


Fast forward 21 years (yes, years) and 2 children later and I met someone at the gym (that I was ridiculed for joining "you wont go, no will power etc".) Learned that actually what husband wanted/expected wasn't normal at all, and that it was ok to fight back. So I did. I got slim and fitter than I've every been in my life - and with that came confidence and self-esteem. Left husband.


I went into another relationship and sadly for me it was emotionally abusive again. Good for most of the time, but he knew just how to gouge my insecurities. But this time I decided it was going to stop and I was going to take control - and I have.


It may seem odd that I am still with him, but it is ONLY because I retook my confidence back. Little things like if I arranged to meet my sis & BIL he'd suddenly put his back out so we couldn't go. Until I said fine, I'll go alone. If he has a not-talking-to-you-but-I-won't-tell-you-why session, then I ask (out of concern), then simply leave him to it. I don't feel any need to apologise for things that can't possibly be my fault any more.


I tell you this because it is often said that people often make similar choices. I appear to have done - but in this case I decided enough was enough, but I would give him the chance to treat me differently.


There's a lot more to it than that (no, really there is!). You can - and will - get through this, and there are lots of really fabulous people out there when you are ready.

I had similar situation with my Ex Husband.
Turning point for me when I was told by a close relative,

"Behave like a victim and you will be treated as a victim.."

ChrisJJ

aqua111 wrote: »

I had similar situation with my Ex Husband.
Turning point for me when I was told by a close relative,

"Behave like a victim and you will be treated as a victim.."

It's great that was a turning point for you. Unfortunately, for many victims/survivors of domestic abuse (of any kind), it's not that simple. I'm not suggesting it was easy for you either, but when you've been ground down and lost any sense of yourself, having that said to you isn't necessarily going to activate the lightbulb moment. It's so hard to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship. Though you probably know all this!

melloecastro

I hope ChrisJJ you are feeling better today!

ChrisJJ

melloecastro wrote: »

I hope ChrisJJ you are feeling better today!

Thanks mellooecastro - I'm ok thank you. Keeping busy, tiring myself out so sleep comes easlily!

Hope you've had a good day

ChrisJJ

Further to my post a few days ago, I've been posting on a support forum for domestic violence (still feels so odd and somehow wrong to use that term). I've been reading into something called 'Trauma Bonding', and the more I read, the more it feels like this may have happened in this relationship.

Of all my reading around emotional abuse previously, I hadn't come across this.

Have any of you who've been in abusive relationships come across this, and did you feel it applied to you?

Thanks in advance.

hollydays

I think this article describes it very well-

https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-trauma-bonding/
Where it says "making sure that your time, energy and other resources are focussed on solely his needs", oh yes...it's called exhaustion..

ChrisJJ

hollydays wrote: »

I think this article describes it very well-

https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-trauma-bonding/
Where it says "making sure that your time, energy and other resources are focussed on solely his needs", oh yes...it's called exhaustion..

Thank you, hollydays, yes, it's exhaustion alright. Exhausted all the time now, having left the relationship, just dealing with the aftermath! For the first time though, the nastiness and the cruelty are uppermost in my mind rather than the lovely things he did, and how sweet he could be. Hurts, but probable healthier in the long term.

Thank you for the article.

hollydays

Yes I understand the emotions.I Call it flashbacks. Even though you've left you still have constant reminders of when he said this is this place, or did that, and how devastated you felt. And the thinking "why did he treat me like that?" ( I now believe it's simply because he could, and it's all about coercive control and torture) . I found that for me was the grieving process and I found support from others , like the freedom project, and connecting with other women friends who've been there ( oh there are so many of us). I find I can spot other women who've been through this quite quickly now. They are nice people who probably give too much.I find that I can't really deal with lots stress, I have to manage that and surround myself by lovely people , that helps .:)

ChrisJJ

hollydays wrote: »

Yes I understand the emotions.I Call it flashbacks. Even though you've left you still have constant reminders of when he said this is this place, or did that, and how devastated you felt. And the thinking "why did he treat me like that?" ( I now believe it's simply because he could, and it's all about coercive control and torture) . I found that for me was the grieving process and I found support from others , like the freedom project, and connecting with other women friends who've been there ( oh there are so many of us). I find I can spot other women who've been through this quite quickly now. They are nice people who probably give too much.I find that I can't really deal with lots stress, I have to manage that and surround myself by lovely people , that helps .:)

I could have written that myself, hollydays. Especially the flashbacks. I find them very hard to deal with. His behaviour was inexcusable at times, but I excused it and carried on. I'm so, so annoyed at myself for letting it drag on. And yes, the constant wondering why he treated me like that, and will another partner try to treat me like that?? I say 'try' as I won't let it happen again, but just the thought that I may encounter someone else with that kind of temper, that attitude makes me over-cautious.

It sounds as it you're doing well, and are strong, so well done :T