"Friends" who are unpleasant

DFlights

I just snapped at someone. Not bad, though it is on Facebook for the world to see. But both online and in real life, this person, who is in my circle of friends, has been condescending and derogatory to me for years, particularly when we're in groups.
His methods are very subtle and take advantage of the fact that I'm probably not as bright as a lot of my friends, have different interests (not being into computers/tech/programming, though we all have other stuff in common), and well, I'm just socially awkward, like a lot of people, and can't always get what I mean to say into words, which means that a lot of time, what I mean to say comes out wrong when it goes from my brain to my mouth.
I grew up with a very emotionally abusive narcissistic family and went no contact with them years ago, and was bullied a lot in school, so it's possible that my perception is off, or that I'm over sensitive, however some of the things this guy, and a very, very small number of my other friends too, has said have been what I'd call belittling and derogatory.
You might ask why I put up with these people and don't just not be around them, but they are mutual friends of good friends of mine, and this particular person's partner is one of the loveliest people I know and I don't want to do or say anything to hurt her or the rest of my friends.
My partner is also well liked by everyone, including these people who make me uncomfortable, and I don't think he understands how I feel. I get the impression that that small number of our friends only put up with me because of him, and also he doesn't drive, so if I didn't want to go to a BBQ or event because someone was there I didn't want to be around, he'd probably not be able to go either (we live in a rural area and public transport is rubbish, plus none of our friends really live anywhere near us so he'd struggle to get a lift unless they went very far out of their way).

I've become tired of being slyly picked on when in groups - don't get me wrong, most of my friends are great, and I appreciate that they put up with me and my odd quirks (the social awkwardness being one of those quirks) - but there are just this one or two who seem to like feeling superior by making odd little snide comments, nitpicking things I say that came out wrong because I got foot-in-mouth problem, or tongue-tied.
I don't think my other friends really notice it, or else don't think it's all that serious, but it really hurts my feelings and makes me wonder what I'm doing at parties if I'm just there to be the trained monkey they get to laugh at.
I feel like I don't want to be around if certain other people are going to be at events I want to attend. And other than ignoring it and feeling very hurt inside, I don't know what else to do.

DKLS

Could you be overthinking it a bit?, next time your in his company and if he strays away from harmless banter to something you find uncomfortable, tell him to wind his neck in, a simple thats enough (insert suitable affectionate insult)

princeofpounds

Yeah generally whenever I've seen this type of behaviour, it normally is happening but it's often taken much more maliciously than it is really meant by someone who has become very sensitised to it. I can't say that is what is happening here, but it could be.

I agree that it's often best to challenge it right at the moment, but it is important not to a) appear too wounded or b) let it drag on. And look them square in the eyes.

That normally means the person making the comment remains the focus, rather than your distress, and feels embarrassed or regretful, but is allowed to move on quickly. Giving the whole thing an unpleasant, awkward aftertaste means they often don't return to the same ground again.

Picking the right words to do it with is an art form in itself mind you. But it's not a good idea to over-practice it mentally because you might just wind yourself up.

Then you just have to realise that what other people think of you, apart from the people that really matter to you, is often entirely unimportant.

TBagpuss

You can reduce the amount of interaction you have with the person without totally breaking ties with him.

For instnace, you can 'hide' his feed from facebook, you can make a 'friends' list on FB which doesn't include him, and use that when posting, which will mean that he won't automatically see your posts.

In public, you an move away from him.

Also, talk to your partner. Explain to him that this person's comments make you uncomfortable, and that you would like your partner to start backing you up / supporting you in dealing with it.

How you deal with it depends on you and, to an extent, the person who you feel is getting at you. If you feel sure that he is deliberately being nasty, then a response such as "what a nasty thing to say" or "why would you say something so unpleasant?" said in a normal conversational tone may be the way to go. It makes it clear to him that his comments are not appropriate, it also (because you are calm and conversational) means he isn't getting a reaction from you such as you becoming upset or angry, and it flags up to your partner, and to other friends, that it is not OK.
If he responds by saying he was only joking then a simple "No, jokes are funny, not hurtful" makes it clear that waht he is doing is upsetting you, and if he is a decent person underneath then that may be enough.

if you think that the issue may be that he genuinely sees it as banter or good tempered joking among mates then it may work better to respond in kind, with jokey insults about him. Again, talk to your partner ahead of time, discuss with him what you will do and ask him to back you up - e.g. by confirming that what friend said was derogatory and your response was similar.

Another possibility might be to talk in private with his wife, or with your partner, and ask them to speak to him, as his teasing / joking / mocking you is upsetting and makes you feel uncomfortable. If you do this, frame it as saying you are sure he is not intentionally bullying you but that while he probably sees these as little jokes, they have started to feel very personal and unpleasant, to the extent that you feel driven out of the group.

If none of those approaches work, then stop hanging out with the group if he is there, and be clear with your partner why you are not comfortable going. Also discuss with him what you would like to do instead - e.g. whether you want him to reduce the time he spends with those friends in order to spend more time e doing things with you with people you *both* like, whetheryou would like him to be more aware of what's going on so he can defect or challenge the mean guy when it stars etc.

I do think the first step is talking to your partner so that he does understand how much this affects you, even if he cannot see it himself. (if he is dismissive or is not prepared to help you then you have a different problem)

j.e.j.

Sounds like he could be one of those people who are quite sneaky in the way they get at someone, iyswim.

I think they're referred to as the 'charismatic bully' or something along those lines. They're usually highly intelligent and have very good social skills, and they're the hardest to deal with, because they phrase things in such a way that they can easily deny causing offence, (even though it's obvious what they meant!) or they turn it round onto the other person.

Lily-Rose_3

Anyone who has ever behaved like this has been eradicated from my life.

And my life is so much better without them.

Hermia

I wonder if this is a combination of a very sensitive person and someone who just has a sarcastic sense of humour. In every social group I have been in I think there has been someone who gets upset by comments that no one else would have. Is there anyone you can speak to to see if they agree with your take on the situation. Or can you post any comments and their context here (without saying anything to identify yourself of course). Ultimately you just need to change your reaction to the situation as changing others never works.

I would def avoid these people of Facebook. No point following people you do not like.

Could your partner learn to drive? Living in a rural area and not driving can put a lot of pressure on a partner who drives.

DFlights

j.e.j., yes, he definitely fits into that type of person, but this only tends to happen in groups. I've let it slide so often because I keep telling myself it must be because he's insecure, or just being an !!!, and I don't want to make a scene and stomp my feet like a small child. It was just this conversation I was having with his partner on FB, when he butts in and says something that couldn't be taken as anything other than sarcastic and mean, and I snapped back in my reply to him.
It must have hit home though, as his partner then responded defending me and telling him not to be so obnoxious.
When this guy, and the odd couple of others who are like him, are in groups with me, I certainly feel excluded. So often I've just sat there quietly, because anything I come out with will be either ridiculed or mostly ignored.
I think I'll try Bagpuss' idea of calmly and firmly telling them when they say unpleasant things, those are good examples.
Partner thinks it's just me being sensitive, but he's very easygoing and gets on so much better than I do in social situations, I often wonder how he does it.
Partner has shown no inclination to learning to drive, that's a very sore point now so this year, he's not getting lifts anywhere, I've stopped offering and he's now finding out just how expensive taxis are (no evening/Sunday bus service around our way).

j.e.j.

DFlights wrote: »

j.e.j., yes, he definitely fits into that type of person, but this only tends to happen in groups. I've let it slide so often because I keep telling myself it must be because he's insecure, or just being an !!!, and I don't want to make a scene and stomp my feet like a small child. It was just this conversation I was having with his partner on FB, when he butts in and says something that couldn't be taken as anything other than sarcastic and mean, and I snapped back in my reply to him.
It must have hit home though, as his partner then responded defending me and telling him not to be so obnoxious.

Have you ever stood up to him before?

Keep the momentum going (so to speak) and make sure you don't tolerate belittling or obnoxious remarks from him again. You'd be surprised at how bullies back down when they're stood up to!

Cyberman60

I've been there. The only answer is to stand up for yourself. It took me years to do it and I feel much better for having done it although I caused upset at the time. I am estranged from some family but I'd rather do that than feel uncomfortable and 'bullied' in their company. Once you've done that you'll feel that a weight has been lifted and your self esteem will be greatly improved.

Good Luck !! :beer:

raven83

He sounds like one of the many passive aggressive twits there are on Facebook!