Understanding my relationship with money – and taking back control!

rozeepozee

In my job, I hear lots of people's dilemmas and issues and problems with money is often a side issue that is almost unrecognized but nonetheless a big part of the difficulties the person is facing.

Rosy, your 'saving for stuff you're not sure about' I suspect is as common as those who spend money they don't have.

A very sad story: my grandma is ninety and has been quite ill recently. She's worked all her life in low paid menial jobs but is very careful with her money. She lives in an unmodernized house with none of the mod cons we take for granted (no central heating, double glazing, fitted kitchen, burglar alarm etc). When the doctor came to see her, I asked him what the diagnosis was and his reply was "osteoarthritis, anxiety and poverty". The sad thing is that the poverty is totally self imposed as, since gran retired, she has had a considerable lump sum in cash savings in the bank which she saved whilst she was working, but she won't spend any of it "just in case". What that "just in case" could be at ninety, I do not know.

dolly_day_dream

This may sound weird but not having money has actually made me happier. :j Money has always been tight but for the past couple of years it has been much tighter. I know exactly how much I have to spend and make it a challenge to get the best possible value for my budget. If I have saved some money - then I can spend that on a book or something for myself (I buy everything I can from charity shops) This is now enjoyed as a real treat.

At first it was hard not having money to spend as I wanted but now it is liberating. I don't have any problems going to town and looking at all the shops. I have fun recognising their ploys to get me to spend. I see people totally harrassed by the whole experience. Possessions do not make you any happier - it has taken me a long time but I now totally believe that. As others have said I used to believe that buying something would solve the problem. Now I have never been in a position to over spend as others have but I am dealing with the effects of my affluenza and am clearing lots out for charity shops. My things are not of ebay quality.

You see I am convinced right now that I am happy but I do wonder if I had more money would I then rationalise spending more? I have shown myself that I do not need lots of money and I certainly do not consider that I deprive myself. Socially it can be difficult but with creativity it is possible to still enjoy yourself. The fun thing has been saying 'sorry I can't afford that but what if we ......' nobody says that they can't afford things anymore so it comes as a shock to hear it admitted.:D

My financial situation will remain tight for a few years yet and then I wonder what will happen. My mother suffered very real poverty as a child and spent every penny she had when she was older. I don't anticipate having a lump sum in the bank whatever happens cos as someone once said ' money is like muck - only any good if you spread it around'

rozeepozee

I entirely agree with your sentiments DDD - on a conscious level - it's my unconscious that gets the better of me! Yes, I probably will enjoy the red bag, I made such an issue out of it. But you're right, it's not going to make me happy. What makes me happy is seeing my son smile, my lovely partner, watching the birds have their early evening bath, going for picnics in the local park. I know these things, so why so I still get a buzz from the momentary purchase of an inert object? There's something in that behaviour - I don't smoke, drink, gamble. It seems that consumerism is my addiction...

I'm sure a lot has to do with my childhood. My parents are very like my grandmother in their extreme frugality to the extent that they won't buy a cup of tea in a cafe (in fact mum makes a teabag last two or three cups!), there's also a lot of hoarding, don't think mum can throw anything out and dad has a bit of an Imelda Marcos thing going on with shoes he doesn't wear . All have been dirt poor and been through the war though. I don't have that excuse.

What would be a 'normal' relationship with money?

Austin_Allegro

Some great points here.
Lady Fuschia, I know exactly where your'e coming from! I have something of a 'bi-polar' relationship with money and frugality. I'll go for months scrimping, then spend a few months not worrying about it much at all, and spending relatively large amounts on holidays, bespoke suits etc. I don't get into debt though, so I don't really see it as a problem. I think western society in general is obsessive/compulsive - we either compulsively spend, or compulsively save!

rozeepozee

For me a lot has to do with my earning capacity: when I was earning a lot, I used to spend loads. My rationale was what's the point in working so hard if I can't make the most of it by doing what I want? I have to say that living in London and finding it difficult to make ends meet as a trainee at work it felt incredibly liberating to never have to check a price tag on a designer item or holiday cost when i became a partner in my own firm. Now I look back mortified at the amounts I spent. I could now live for a year on my former clothes expenditure! As DDD suggests though, I was probably at my most unhappy when i was earning the most and although I'm not at my poorest now as I've had a chance to make some sound investments in my time, I'm certainly not wealthy in income terms. But I am very happy most of the time.

sharronloves2spend

Austin Allegro and Lady Fuschia i have exactly the same relationship with money, i like the term bi-polar cos thats exactly what its like, from one pole to the other and nothing else in beetween. I have just come through a period of spend spend spend and on checking the bank account today and working through it, it will take us three months to put it straight and not be overdrawn, its heartbreaking i feel like all of our hard work was in vain. I had a very poor upbringing where we went to bed rather than have tea and my mum was forever running up debts that she could'nt repay. Its odd and don't know if theres is any correlation but my eating habits are bi-polar too. I love the os way and read the daily thread everyday and find it very inspiring to see what people are doing each day and saving money in the process.Fab thread!!!

lil_me

hilstep2000 wrote: »

I'm not in debt, and have savings now, but when I was married I found that my ex was always running up debt, and I was always worrying about it.

The trouble with me now is food. When we had no money, we basicaly had no food, and now I seem to have cupboards full, and keep buying it, even tho I don't need it. It's almost as tho I think I'm going to run out!:rotfl:

I must address this soon, my freezer and cupboards can't take any more!

Could have written that myself, aswell as that the kids have grown out of clothes they have never worn because they have too many, (DS1 has over 40 tshirts so that shows how bad, not including the 20+ school ones) going from broke to managing ok was the worst thing ever for me. I now set myself budgets, I usually go over some of them but am getting better. The food one is the worst, possibly stocking up incase we're broke again as DP is self employed and could all go pear shaped, I must tackle this, just had to move 80+tins today of food as were changing the cupboard and my freezer stock is immense.

With the buying something you already have, I have started a new rule with clothes buying etc, that is that something has to be broken beyond repair or sold before I can replace it. This seems to be working well. Oh apart from 2 tshirts at the airshow (with the planes on) for the boys last week, it was the first time I'd taken them and had the money to buy what they wanted so I think it comes down to the same issue as the food buying. Our first debt free holiday I blew £1000 in a week, all saved up of course, just because I could and had always had to say no in the past.

ceridwen

Will certainly be going to have a look at the blog. Like others here - I have a very "mixed" relationship with money. Am finally getting to stage where I can forget about it and focus on more important things - but one has to be at a certain level financially to do that! Was it Maslov (?) - the hierarchy of needs. As in first one satisfies very basic needs - like food, shelter, etc, then one can focus on more important stuff. But when one is cold or hungry or not got a reasonable home to "retreat" to - then that is all that is going to be on your mind until that is dealt with - and its incredibly frustrating if you want to focus on more important stuff but cant because these material needs havent yet been dealt with.

Can see that (out of a low salary) and unsatisfying job - that I have gone out (frequently) and spent money I neither needed (or - at times - particularly wanted) to to compensate for these factors. We dont always function logically with regard to money. Certainly - a noticeable amount of "bits and pieces" have been bought to reward myself for putting up with my unsatisfying job and/or an unsatisfactory lovelife. It is difficult to know at times what other ways one can reward/compensate oneself besides buying yet another "gewgaw" - and I'm open to suggestions on that one!

I am interested to know how people who earn "surplus" income justify to themselves keeping all of it for themselves - I know there are some notable exceptions - but, by and large, most people will spend whatever money they get on themselves (even if they earn £100,000s per year or more) - or perhaps they don't even think about whether they feel "comfortable" with keeping that sort of money for themselves. I have never been in that position myself - I have yet to earn anything remotely like the national average wage - but would like to think that if I earned "surplus" income I would give it away in worthwhile directions.

Gingham_Ribbon

I think you may get more response in Debt Free Wannabe so I'll move this over there for you.

jazzyjustlaw

ceridwen wrote: »

Will certainly be going to have a look at the blog. Like others here - I have a very "mixed" relationship with money. Am finally getting to stage where I can forget about it and focus on more important things - but one has to be at a certain level financially to do that! Was it Maslov (?) - the hierarchy of needs. As in first one satisfies very basic needs - like food, shelter, etc, then one can focus on more important stuff. But when one is cold or hungry or not got a reasonable home to "retreat" to - then that is all that is going to be on your mind until that is dealt with - and its incredibly frustrating if you want to focus on more important stuff but cant because these material needs havent yet been dealt with.

Can see that (out of a low salary) and unsatisfying job - that I have gone out (frequently) and spent money I neither needed (or - at times - particularly wanted) to to compensate for these factors. We dont always function logically with regard to money. Certainly - a noticeable amount of "bits and pieces" have been bought to reward myself for putting up with my unsatisfying job and/or an unsatisfactory lovelife. It is difficult to know at times what other ways one can reward/compensate oneself besides buying yet another "gewgaw" - and I'm open to suggestions on that one!

I am interested to know how people who earn "surplus" income justify to themselves keeping all of it for themselves - I know there are some notable exceptions - but, by and large, most people will spend whatever money they get on themselves (even if they earn £100,000s per year or more) - or perhaps they don't even think about whether they feel "comfortable" with keeping that sort of money for themselves. I have never been in that position myself - I have yet to earn anything remotely like the national average wage - but would like to think that if I earned "surplus" income I would give it away in worthwhile directions.

You mean Maslows Hierarchy of needs and I always think its spot on. When at uni I used to think yeh have something to eat then I want sex lol then I want to sleep - lol its so true!!