Understanding my relationship with money – and taking back control!

rozeepozee

How many of us on these forums have issues with money? Difficulties with debt, work, making ends meet and wealth? Money can cause all manner of distress, anxiety and suffering and in our consumer society there is no way to avoid the impact it has upon us.

I like to think of myself as a balanced individual who is reasonably self-aware, yet I wonder if my money saving obsession goes too far. I’ve been poor and I’ve been wealthy and I would currently consider myself “comfortable”, although I live on a fairly small income. Despite having no mortgage or debt, the drive to save money is frequently at the forefront of my mind and I’m constantly trying to come up with new ways to economise.

As a counsellor and psychotherapist I’m interested in human behaviour and the psychology of money and spending fascinates me. Spending money and acquiring possessions aren’t just about shopping or consumerism, they are also deeply symbolic behaviours representing security, image and status and helping to define who we are. The subject of money, our income and expenditure, is one of the last taboos in our society – people are often more willing to talk about their sex life than how much they earn and so many of my friends conceal their spending habits from their nearest and dearest despite having very honest communication in all other aspects of their relationship. There are also concerns that are bigger than who we are as individuals, such as how our consumption affects the rest of the planet.

I have a house full of stuff, I don’t even know what half of it is, yet I go on buying other stuff, adding to the many other useless items that end up at the bottom of my make-up bag, in a drawer or, ultimately, packed away “just in case”. I’m aiming to improve my understanding of my relationship with money and work out what my real needs are and change my behaviour so I don’t spend wastefully and also so I don’t obsess quite so much. I’ve set up a blog (http://theabstemiouslife.blogspot.com/) to chart my ups and downs and to help motivate me in sticking to this plan. I’d love to hear other people’s views on this subject, especially the Money Savers here who I’m pondering may be more aware of the issues money can bring than others – perhaps!

Hardup_Hester

I have a very fraught relationship with money & I often lay awake worrying about how to make ends meet.
I find the best way not to spend money is never to go anywhere where things are sold, I shop online gor food, I never stroll round the town centre, never go to boot sales. That way I'm not tempted.
We rarely go out, except to visit friends once or twice a year, we haven't had a holiday for 4 years, we stay in, read & we don't watch much TV, so we don't see the adverts.

hilstep2000

I'm not in debt, and have savings now, but when I was married I found that my ex was always running up debt, and I was always worrying about it.

The trouble with me now is food. When we had no money, we basicaly had no food, and now I seem to have cupboards full, and keep buying it, even tho I don't need it. It's almost as tho I think I'm going to run out!:rotfl:

I must address this soon, my freezer and cupboards can't take any more!

boo81

I survive fine but dont have money for things I want very often. My friends dont really understand and especially when I worked in London and everyone seemed to have bottomless wallets.

I find money more of a social burden as I dont really want for much as far as items are concerned and what I do want I ask for as presents quite often, its the going out and seeing people or doing things that affects me.

Generally im pretty good with money though, I have a system and keep my finances under control though I do have debts with credit cards companies etc I use 0% cards and make the most of things that way. Its become more difficult since my bf has been around as he has no credit so I will write cheques or pay on cards for things and he will pay me back later. It has got easier and now he pays me a direct debit each month, we support eachother when outgoings change for any reason and we get stuck.

I am fortunate as my mum still helps when ive got problems, I pay her £100 a month to repay some debts I have with her and she takes care of getting my phone vouchers and if I need help with things like vets bills she can help me out should i need it. I hate doing it but its managed really well and I never have to ask.

lady_fuschia

I seem to swing from one extreme to the other with money. I go through a period of being miserly in the extreme (wearing three jumpers rather than turn heating on, not letting myself buy teabags because they're "not necessary", walking six miles rather than spend £2 on the bus) and a bit self-righteous about it. To feeling like I have to spend loads in order to be who I want and justifying it in ridiculous ways ("I have to buy a whole new wardrobe if work are going to take me seriously and give me a promotion.", "If I wear those earrings I'll attract the man of my dreams." "If I buy a whole load of new stationery I'll do much better in college." "If I buy a fancy purple feather duster my house will be much cleaner.") - it's as if spending money on stuff is easier than actually putting work in to something. It's easier to buy a new computer than write a report on it.

Magpye

My OH is dire with money, and is desperately unhappy at work, which means he spends without thinking and is very defensive when I ask him about his finances.

I've always been okay with money, able to save and budget and I've got a good eye for a bargain, but since getting married I've found that I'm ploughing ever more of my wages into keeping the "joint" debt from biting us on the bottom, while my OH contributes only £75 per week and STILL has an overdraft of £600+, and won't give me access to the figures to sort him out (he claims to be unable to keep a spending diary, which I think is an excuse to stop me finding out how much he spends on the vending machines at work).

It leaves me feeling very stretched particularly since my job is very stressful and the boss keeps piling the tasks on... I don't get bonuses, don't get overtime, and am really struggling for the things I now need, like new clothes.

My whole attitude at the moment is "I must work harder" in the hope that somehow this will solve problems.

moanymoany

It has taken me a long time to get a balanced attitude towards money. So many of us, whether we realise it or not, get our attitudes towards money in our childhood. Untill I read 'The Millionaire Next Door' I hadn't realised how this had affected me. Both my parents were completely useless, spending every penny. They divorced in 1960 and my mother lurched from payday to payday accumulating debt that was never paid. With some organisation and budgeting she wouldn't have done this and we could have had a much more stable life.

I think the OS moneysaving lifestyle is a worthwhile ethic to get into. However, it can be lonely out here if you don't spend money. I'm quite open with my close friends, they know I 'pennypinch' and though horrified are being supportive of my letting out 2 rooms. This is to add to our retirement fund.

The OS and Moneysaving threads, the posts, the people, give me so much inspiration. I would still live this life, but certainly not as effectively if it wasn't for my daily visits here. It is such an important support system and very important to me. The advice, the interaction, the humour, the good old fashioned common sense, the list of what I get from here is very long and I am truly grateful.:A

boo81

My boyfriend actually is probably quite an interesting case. He ran up his debtsa in his former marriage, amny were not due to him but he did have things to buy and kids to look after so fair enough. He earns in the low 20K's and feels as he is earning this much he should be well off and be able to do things.

I try and understand but I cant, he wants to buy things because he should be able to with that wage coming in. I try and explain he has the debt and though he now has close to nothing to show for it he spent what he needed at the time.

This can get difficult and when things go wrong he thinks sod it and wants to spend more but fortunately he seems much happier right now as things are slowly getting sorted.

rozeepozee

I'm feeling as red faced as the bag I just bought. Any of you who read my blog will have seen that I have been lusting after it for months. My use of terminology is interesting. I go into the shop and turn it over, touching it, checking out its innards, stroking it. It's almost sexual!!! Thus far, I have been able to stave off the urge to buy but today when I went in, it was reduced in price to £17 from £35.

Lady Fuschia's post really struck a chord since I used a great array of reasons to justify its purchase as I argued with myself about whether or not to buy it. There is absolutely no real reason to buy this bag, but somehow it ended up in my trolley. A sample of some of the justifications were: it'll help me organize my son's feeding with all its little compartments, so I'll save money; how can I not, now it's half price? I deserve a treat for not buying anything for the last two weeks... I was hoping my OH would help steel my resolve but even he suggestd that you can't take it with you when you go. I'm feeling rather ashamed and weak, guilty in fact, but at the time of buying it, I'm sure if someone had checked my heart rate and BP, they would have been raised. In fact I felt quite light headed, euphoric as I batted the "should I shouldn't I?" debates round and round.

I'm pounding along on the hedonic treadmill. How long before this bag loses its shine?

rosy

This thread has meade me think! Rozeepozee, it seems to me you were right to buy the bag, as long as you now enjoy it!! It's not as if it were an impulse purchase - you've been looking at it for ages - it's something you really want. Maybe you're not feeling that great about it because now you've got it you haven't got that "anticipation" kind of buzz, but you can now have good feelings about it when you use it if you let yourself! I don't know your financial situation and appreciate that £17 could be a lot of money to some people, but it's not a designer thing costing hundreds and it is half price. It could be a price worth paying if every time you use it you take pleasure in it. I wouldn't be saying this if you were doing this kind of thing every day,obviously, but it sounds like you don't, so don't feel guilty!
There are definitely psychological aspects to spending etc ( and I agree with moanymoany, it can be lonely if you don't spend money). There has to be a balance though. Now I need to take some of my own advice LOL! I know I tend to want to save too much, I don't know what for, just in case I supppose. But that means I do without things I would really like because I know I might have to do things like go out for a meal with friends etc, and I rationalise that by saying it will minimise the expense of that sort of thing if I then give up more personal things for myself. And that's when I know that I actually do have enough money to do both! Writing that down, it sounds ludicrous behaviour:o but it's true!

rozeepozee

In my job, I hear lots of people's dilemmas and issues and problems with money is often a side issue that is almost unrecognized but nonetheless a big part of the difficulties the person is facing.

Rosy, your 'saving for stuff you're not sure about' I suspect is as common as those who spend money they don't have.

A very sad story: my grandma is ninety and has been ill recently. She's worked all her life in low paid menial jobs but is very careful with her money. She lives in an unmodernized house with none of the mod cons we take for granted (no central heating, double glazing, fitted kitchen, burglar alarm etc). When the doctor came to see her, I asked him what the diagnosis was and his reply was "osteoarthritis, anxiety and poverty". The sad thing is that the poverty is totally self imposed as since gran retired she has had a considerable lump sum in cash savings in the bank which she saved whilst she was working, but she won't spend any of it "just in case". What that "just in case" could be at ninety, I do not know.