relationship breakup

catoutthebag

It's not the first time I've been called an 'over thinker' - in fact that's what she said.

I'm genuinely horizontal day to day unless I'm stressed like today.

But surely I'm 'reflecting' as others alluded rather than over thinking.

And I don't think you can judge a person by a post or call them a "pendant" especially since nothing in my post points to this really.

Agree with your one point - probably seeing her online did upset me. But thst was inevitable.

As an aside, I must remember it would have been hard for her to come to the decision and i'm sure she will have had difficult moments and times of grief afterwards too - she will have grieved the loss too.

TBeckett100

Ok, so you're an over thinker. I picked up on it and she endured it.
There are worse things to be

Learn from it next time round.

This may be picked up dates you have. Over thinking leads to slight hesitation in the flow of a conversation or action, rather like your original post, hence why I picked up on your writing style, I.e it's very controlled and lacks the flow of emotion that causes us to blurt out our words.

Chances are her dating is going about as well as yours. Just throw a bit of caution to the wind.

TBeckett100

You said
And when I did find out, I completely changed things around. However, she did not address her issues and I was still not happy

I say
This approach is a bit like the aftermath of a school parents evening. She didn't address her issues but you did and you weren't happy she didn't address them. This comes across a little unforgiving of people's traits which to the best intention you will never make someone perfect

I'm sure you're a lovely guy but a relationship shouldn't be overly judgemental, the whole point of a relationship is an unspoken being with someone accepting them. She probably bottled things up for fear that you would deconstruct them in a methodical way.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The best thing I did was be single rather than rush into a new relationship. It took time to get used to being alone every night, to not have anybody to help, talk to or just have a physical presence. And it took time to get used to being able to do as I pleased.

In all honesty, it wasn't half as lonely as being in a relationship hitting the skids, though. But I went through that 'maybe it wasn't so bad when he was here' period after the initial relief had worn off. I just kept reminding myself of how rubbish things had been and how they would never ever change with him. Once that 'wobble' passed, I far preferred being single - and then quite a while later, it seemed right to date the guy who is currently occupying the other end of my sofa with the cat - and take it very, very slowly, rather than rush into things, just because I was used to having someone to live with.
M

If you had got back together, the original problems would have resurfaced soon enough, and you'd probably have the 'so how many people did you sleep with/I don't believe you' dynamic to make it even worse.



Tl;dr - this passes. But you have to sit tight and let it pass.

TBeckett100

Just seen post 3

You said "despite being things she didn't address.. You would consider"

You have got to refine your speak to the ladies. Telling a partner to "address" issues is again a little on the headmaster side.

Did she happen to say to you that she felt an imbalance of power in the relationship. You have posted to say you miss her terribly but then you use the phrase "I'd consider". Sounds like you may have put yourself over as the "wiser" one in your relationship.

I'm not having a go, but just throwing back the measure of your tone to help you in the future. There is nothing wrong in the words you have used, but sometimes there are two ways to say the same thing

"Fancy an early night love"

Could also be said as

"I am going up to the bedroom now where I shall lie in wait for our fornication"

One sounds cheeky and the other sounds measured and lacks spiritual connection.

TBeckett100

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

The best thing I did was be single rather than rush into a new relationship. It took time to get used to being alone every night, to not have anybody to help, talk to or just have a physical presence. And it took time to get used to being able to do as I pleased.

In all honesty, it wasn't half as lonely as being in a relationship hitting the skids, though. But I went through that 'maybe it wasn't so bad when he was here' period after the initial relief had worn off. I just kept reminding myself of how rubbish things had been and how they would never ever change with him. Once that 'wobble' passed, I far preferred being single - and then quite a while later, it seemed right to date the guy who is currently occupying the other end of my sofa with the cat - and take it very, very slowly, rather than rush into things, just because I was used to having someone to live with.
M

If you had got back together, the original problems would have resurfaced soon enough, and you'd probably have the 'so how many people did you sleep with/I don't believe you' dynamic to make it even worse.



Tl;dr - this passes. But you have to sit tight and let it pass.

After my three year relationship ended, the first thing I did was paint Over the magnolia walls and expressed myself. She came to visit me a few weeks after she left and I made it clear I was happy as was. Not sure of the purpose of the visit, maybe she wanted to check she had no more feelings, I don't know. Never spoke again after that. Do I regret the relationship. No. Am I glad it ended. Yes.

catoutthebag

TBeckett100 wrote: »

Just seen post 3

You said "despite being things she didn't address.. You would consider"

You have got to refine your speak to the ladies. Telling a partner to "address" issues is again a little on the headmaster side.

Did she happen to say to you that she felt an imbalance of power in the relationship. You have posted to say you miss her terribly but then you use the phrase "I'd consider". Sounds like you may have put yourself over as the "wiser" one in your relationship.

I'm not having a go, but just throwing back the measure of your tone to help you in the future. There is nothing wrong in the words you have used, but sometimes there are two ways to say the same thing

"Fancy an early night love"

Could also be said as

"I am going up to the bedroom now where I shall lie in wait for our fornication"

One sounds cheeky and the other sounds measured and lacks spiritual connection.

You've got completely the wrong end of the stick

I never talked to her in this at AT ALL!

VERY presumptuous of you there.

So you think the way I type is the way I talk to people in real life? Hardly. I wrote my post as honestly, objectively and factually as possible.

If I spoke to her with the things you imagine and have no evidence for ie 'ADDRESS' then I wouldn't have lasted 4 minutes with her let own 4 years. I was actually fun, silly, playful and light hearted with her, but that's besides the point - just addressing and shedding light on the inaccuracy of your post.

Ditto an all my dates - and I really had to put up with some drab ones.

So when talking about 'judging', I really would exercise caution in the facts you have please for any other posters that need support at more delicate times

catoutthebag

TBeckett100 wrote: »

You said
And when I did find out, I completely changed things around. However, she did not address her issues and I was still not happy

I say
This approach is a bit like the aftermath of a school parents evening. She didn't address her issues but you did and you weren't happy she didn't address them. This comes across a little unforgiving of people's traits which to the best intention you will never make someone perfect

I'm sure you're a lovely guy but a relationship shouldn't be overly judgemental, the whole point of a relationship is an unspoken being with someone accepting them. She probably bottled things up for fear that you would deconstruct them in a methodical way.

Again, please refrain from making gross assumptions about a situation.

Headmaster? Pupil? What? !

Sorry, was NEVER like this.

You may have noticed that I have not gone into, and nor will I, go into the specific issues (both sides) because myself and her were well aware of these and its not necessary to shed light on them here.

My initial post was about thr grieving and moving on process. ..and that's what it needs to stick to rather than you imagining what was or wasn't said (because that's what you've done) - and in that, I hope the other kind responses help others in a similar situation.

catoutthebag

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

The best thing I did was be single rather than rush into a new relationship. It took time to get used to being alone every night, to not have anybody to help, talk to or just have a physical presence. And it took time to get used to being able to do as I pleased.

In all honesty, it wasn't half as lonely as being in a relationship hitting the skids, though. But I went through that 'maybe it wasn't so bad when he was here' period after the initial relief had worn off. I just kept reminding myself of how rubbish things had been and how they would never ever change with him. Once that 'wobble' passed, I far preferred being single - and then quite a while later, it seemed right to date the guy who is currently occupying the other end of my sofa with the cat - and take it very, very slowly, rather than rush into things, just because I was used to having someone to live with.
M

If you had got back together, the original problems would have resurfaced soon enough, and you'd probably have the 'so how many people did you sleep with/I don't believe you' dynamic to make it even worse.



Tl;dr - this passes. But you have to sit tight and let it pass.

Thank you.

I think it is a wobble and has been up and down for 6 months.

How long after did you meet someone?

Initially I was almost relieved it was over. Things hadnt been great for a bit. I was almost gearing myself up for thr inevitable. It was a shock when it happened but I thought 'I'm a decent guy ilk find someone else'. I was in denial maybe hoping she'd change her mind. Then it hit me j was in tatters. Then I got better and went on 7 different dates (never had sp much interest in me, felt there was hope). Then the last few months again have been up and down almost weekly.

I think it's hard to always focus on thr things that were wrong in the relationship. Things like communication. Things like both people not doing what had to be done to amend things.

I know I'll find someone better. I have hope. I need to enjoy being single and happy wiry myself.

However it's the old 'rose tinted good times' that I can't get passed. Those good times can't be taken away. And that's what's hindering me a little (well a lot).

I think I need to realise yes there were good times, but in the end they were dew and far between and so it wasn't going to last.

fluffnutter

Not sure that this thread is really about who was right and who was wrong and why their relationship foundered. Relationships just do. The OP is asking how best to move on, that's all, not for an analysis of past events. The only people who know what a relationship is like are those in it.