relationship breakup

catoutthebag

My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago. We were together 3.5-4 years and lived together for about 2.5years.

There were things I was not happy with in the relationship and there were things she was not happy with, I later found out. And when I did find out, I completely changed things around. However, she did not address her issues and I was still not happy fully.

She was by her own admission not good at communicating her issues or concerns with thr relationship so would bottle up. Healthy relationships need better communication between both partners. This was one of my frustration.

Despite this, I loved her deeply, flaws and all.

It was heart wrenching having to pack my stuff and move out (to a different city - home city).

I made good progress, with ups and downs, in the first 3 months. ..seeing friends and doing things...even joining a dating site. (As a way of distraction from wallowing, and to prove that there are other women out there).

I've been on several dates, which was a confidence booster, but nothing materialised.

The last 3 months, I've felt myself grieving thr loss again. Especially since I messaged her to reconcile.

We've made no contact since. I was angry thst she was delaying (or burying her head in the sand) with things like utilities. But that's been sorted.

She admits herself that she is quite head strong and stubborn. So I know there is no way back.

Compounded by the fact that I recently saw that she herself joined the site that we met on - shows she has moved on or is trying to.

I feel I'm in backwards gear recently. No women have taken my interest online. I still miss her. I'm still grieving the loss I guess and who knows what the future holds. I feel like she was irreplaceable and despite the bad points about her and the relationship, there were a lot of good points - that's the tragedy. And is 6 months still quite early days in the grieving process after a near 4 year relationship?

Yes I'm keeping busy with work and trying to be sociable and doing a new course and looking to buy own place. But I can't see the positives in these things today. Just feel incredibly upset all over.

Any advice appreciated

fluffnutter

catoutthebag wrote: »

And is 6 months still quite early days in the grieving process after a near 4 year relationship?

Yes. You're doing all the right things and you've hit the nail on the head - you just need more time. I promise it will get better. You don't need any advice, just a bit more distance. But I will say it's usually easier if you don't have any contact and certainly don't try to keep track of her life online. Make sure you're not fb buddies and if she joins a dating site, then leave it and join another one (if you want to). Seeing what she's up to all the time will only hurt and make it harder for you to move on.

catoutthebag

fluffnutter wrote: »

Yes. You're doing all the right things and you've hit the nail on the head - you just need more time. I promise it will get better. You don't need any advice, just a bit more distance. But I will say it's usually easier if you don't have any contact and certainly don't try to keep track of her life online. Make sure you're not fb buddies and if she joins a dating site, then leave it and join another one (if you want to). Seeing what she's up to all the time will only hurt and make it harder for you to move on.

You're right.

We were never fb buddies but I know that she was stalking my profile after and so I was a little too. Ended up blocking her to ensure neither could have thr chance.

I also took myself off thst dating site soon after because her profile virtually brought me to tears.

I have subscribed to a couple other sites and my interest in them and the people on them goes up and down.

I'm on a bit of a downer I guess. Maybe I should halt any further dating searches.

Maybe the fact that if she called today to ask to give things another go...despite me being unhappy with things that she didn't address. ..I would consider. ...maybe that speaks volumes

And it's the anxiety of not knowing ill find someone else. ..We were long distance for a year first. My previous gf was long distance for 2 years. I just don't want to if I can help it (I would if it was the perfect person) because the location aspects caused difficulties in both relationships. ...issue is I don't seem to find anyone locally. ..maybe this is talk for another day though.

I read all sorts of arbitrary rubbish on thr net about 'grieving' like half the time you were together, 1 week for every month you were together, etc etc

fluffnutter

There's no point being in a new relationship until you're feeling more chipper. Healthy relationships are the meeting of two happy people, unhappy people just make for unhappy relationships.

It's OK to be on a downer and it's natural to spend some time analysing the breakup. But it's also worth remembering that people just sometimes want something new - there's nothing wrong with you, you just weren't right for her any more.

Put on some sad songs and wallow for a bit. Don't try to fight it. Studies have shown that people feel better having indulged themselves in miserable songs rather than trying to cheer themselves up with something positive.

The only thing you need, the only thing that works, is time. Honestly. So in the meantime, indulge yourself a little, stay away from dating (you don't need to move on until you're ready and if you're not ready, dating again will just remind you of what you lost) and stay away from your ex.

fluffnutter

I also think there's no escaping this period of painful reflection. Trying to enjoy yourself, or see your mates, or date again just delays things, and after a while, it all just bites you in the @rse and you find yourself feeling sad all over again. It's because you tried to skip this step! You have to go through the grieving I'm afraid. That's where you are right now I reckon. So, on a brighter note, you have acceptance and healing to look forward to. Because they are always waiting on the other side.

FBaby

Or it could be the minute you meet someone you start to like, and this leads to you falling in love, you will totally forget about your ex being such a loss of a good girlfriend and instead you will suddenly be grateful that she let you go so you could fall in love all over again with someone more compatible.

catoutthebag

I think this is the conflict a little - I met my ex 2 months after the break up of my first gf. I know pretty quick - as in pretty quick I found someone because I was less well rounded as a person it was taking me years prior to this.
I was not fully over her, but finding this new person helped me to get over her.

It's a shame grieving has come back. Believe me I did plenty of what you say at the start. Maybe because I'm off sick at home and resorted to wallowing again - even had dreams about her. Just makes me wish it could be so different and if I will ever find someone with those good things I clicked with. Feels weird and slightly frustrating writing this 6 months on as I don't want to go back to square 1.

fluffnutter

It's a lot to expect of a new partner - that they heal your wounds inflicted by previous ones. Leads to an imbalance in the relationship. Far better to heal yourself then come to a new relationship whole and happy.

You're having a bad day, and you're talking about it so it's all coming out. Tomorrow will be better.

VfM4meplse

fluffnutter wrote: »

I also think there's no escaping this period of painful reflection.

Ain't that the truth!

IMO, the older you get, the more disappointing kissing goodbye to your hopes and dreams gets. But perversely, the quicker you bounce back. Weird but true, for me at least.

Doen't stop the sh*t feeling though, you just have to bear the pain.

JoW123

catoutthebag wrote: »

I think this is the conflict a little - I met my ex 2 months after the break up of my first gf. I know pretty quick - as in pretty quick I found someone because I was less well rounded as a person it was taking me years prior to this.
I was not fully over her, but finding this new person helped me to get over her.

It's a shame grieving has come back. Believe me I did plenty of what you say at the start. Maybe because I'm off sick at home and resorted to wallowing again - even had dreams about her. Just makes me wish it could be so different and if I will ever find someone with those good things I clicked with. Feels weird and slightly frustrating writing this 6 months on as I don't want to go back to square 1.

You're probably not back at square one even though it feels like it. There are times when you will feel okay at the loss of the relationship and times you won't. I have had three significant relationships with six months in between each. It's honestly not long enough to come to terms with the loss of the previous one. It's an old adage but until you are happy being alone you aren't in the right place to meet someone new. Think of this time as reflection and look at what you would like in a new partner. Look forwards and not back. Since my last relationship ended it's been five years (too long!) but I can honestly say I wasn't ready until three years after it ended.

TBeckett100

catoutthebag wrote: »

My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago. We were together 3.5-4 years and lived together for about 2.5years.

There were things I was not happy with in the relationship and there were things she was not happy with, I later found out. And when I did find out, I completely changed things around. However, she did not address her issues and I was still not happy fully.

She was by her own admission not good at communicating her issues or concerns with thr relationship so would bottle up. Healthy relationships need better communication between both partners. This was one of my frustration.

Despite this, I loved her deeply, flaws and all.

It was heart wrenching having to pack my stuff and move out (to a different city - home city).

I made good progress, with ups and downs, in the first 3 months. ..seeing friends and doing things...even joining a dating site. (As a way of distraction from wallowing, and to prove that there are other women out there).

I've been on several dates, which was a confidence booster, but nothing materialised.

The last 3 months, I've felt myself grieving thr loss again. Especially since I messaged her to reconcile.

We've made no contact since. I was angry thst she was delaying (or burying her head in the sand) with things like utilities. But that's been sorted.

She admits herself that she is quite head strong and stubborn. So I know there is no way back.

Compounded by the fact that I recently saw that she herself joined the site that we met on - shows she has moved on or is trying to.

I feel I'm in backwards gear recently. No women have taken my interest online. I still miss her. I'm still grieving the loss I guess and who knows what the future holds. I feel like she was irreplaceable and despite the bad points about her and the relationship, there were a lot of good points - that's the tragedy. And is 6 months still quite early days in the grieving process after a near 4 year relationship?

Yes I'm keeping busy with work and trying to be sociable and doing a new course and looking to buy own place. But I can't see the positives in these things today. Just feel incredibly upset all over.

Any advice appreciated

To be honest, you do come across a bit of a pedant. Everyone has flaws and no relationship is perfect. You know that but I get the feeling you learnt more about that when you realised that a relationship with flaws with her is better than no relationship.

What is upsetting you is that she is moving on. When ending a relationship it is hard to see the injured party progressing further when they should be at home licking their wounds whilst you are getting on with it.

This boat may have sailed, but although you cannot tell a person by reading one post, I'd say that you are an over thinker and expect things to be done in a rightful and considered way rather than going with the flow.