Scared to contact my long lost sisters - please help :(

KittyKate

Hi all..after searching for, goodness, years, I have finally, thanks to the internet, found my two long lost sisters. But here's the thing.

My dad divorced his 1st wife in the late 60s after having 2 girls with her. She moved down south and met & married an Air Force worker. My dad met him once (didn't really like him - said he was snotty and I think he was right, read on) and asked him to take care of his ex & kids (as my dad worked down the pit, and could not afford to go to Plymouth to visit). My dad truly believed the new man could give them a good life, and to assist with financial matters agreed to the new man adopting the girls (but not calling him dad). My dad kept in touch with them regularly by letter but as each one moved out to shared houses (they were hippies!!) he couldn't keep track of them, and they too lost touch. The last letter to my dad was congratulating him on his impending new arrival (me). My dad married my mum in 1980 and I was born 1982. They divorced 1994.

Anyway, my dad still gets very upset (especially round xmas) at the thought of the girls. He says that he doesn't have the means to trace them (his ex MIL died years ago and there are no other relations) plus he doesn't even know their surnames (he knows one married a man called Kelvin and had a daughter, doesn't know the surname, and doesn't know if the other married).

Anyway I've been searching on the quiet, on the net, for years. A year ago, I found the adoptive father on a military website - so I emailed him saying something very polite and apologising if I'd got the wrong person but I really wanted to pass on a message to my sisters with my address so they could write to me if they chose. He emailed back within the hour saying 'they are not interested in any contact'. Well, call me cynical but I've heard stories about this guy which makes me think he isn't so trustworthy (won't go into it, but enough to give me a decent gut feeling) and I really don't think he spoke to them (and since they didn't know who I was - even girl or boy - I doubt they would have expressed some prior wish not to know me).

It broke my heart and I became determined just to write one letter to them directly, to explain I mean no harm, and to wish them well.

I found one of my sisters address on a paid electoral roll search.

Now I don't know what to write, or whether I should, or what to do. I'm scared if I stir up the past my dad will be upset. I'm scared the adoptive dad will cause grief for me and my family, I'm scared that if I don't write to them, I'll regret it.

I don't feel I can speak to my dad as he is having his house done out and is already really depressed as he is living in a pile of rubble right now - I don't want him thinking of the children he lost on top of all that. Do I wait - or do I just forget the whole thing? I have family out there, a niece my age, even, and I so want to know about them.

angela6834

I'm really not sure if this is the right answer, or even if there is a right answer but I would write. Just one letter and if I heard no more I would let things lie.

If she contacts you back then take it from there......sorry not to be of more help and I can understand your distress at not wanting to upset your dad.

I think I agree that the adoptive father has not asked them if they would like to see/ contact you. TBH they probably dont even know you exist. I know your dad received a letter but at this point you're unaware that they were told.

Im sure you'll receive some good advice and good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Angela

izzy-wizzy_4

I'd write. No question about it. But probably because I'd never be able to stop thinking about it if I didnt!My dad grew up knowing his mum had left when he was young, and his dad and step mum brought up him and had more kids. A few years ago someone knocked on the door. It turned out to be his half sister who had been trying to track him down for years. He ended up meeting his real mum again and other brother and sisters. He now keeps in touch with the one who traced him but the others didnt really want to know.What I'd suggest is write direct to your sister but dont tell your dad unless you get a positive response. That way he won't get hurt.You never know, maybe your sisters have really wanted to find your dad and you but the step dad may have stopped them doing so?Good luck with whatever you decide.Izzy

KittyKate

Thanks for your lovely responses (and for reading my essay in the first place!)

I was worried at feeling guilty for 'betraying' my dad for contacting his kids behind his back.

I'm scared the letter will get lost in the post and I'll never hear back, thinking they 'hate' me (or don't care). But I don't want to send it recorded in case they think I'm a stalker!

I've searched the net for an email addy, the only one I can find is the adoptive father (he was pretty rude when he contacted me, so I don't want to speak to him ever again).

I guess I'll have to start thinking of what to write. This is hard.

dmg24

Hi KittyKate,

Hope you don't mind me asking, but through which site did you find the father? I have recently found out that my Grandad is not who I actually thought it was, and that he was in fact in the Air Force!

I don't feel that I am able to make contact yet, as my Grandma is still with us, and would be very upset that we even knew. But, like you, I would like to do some research on the quiet.

If you don't want to publish the website name on here please feel free to PM me.

I can't offer any advice, but am a great believer that, whatever decision you make, things do work out for the best in the end x

rosieben

I agree with advice already given. Write the letter! If you dont you will always wonder, and I think you will regret it.

No need to mention it to your dad unless you get a positive response.
I really hope you and your dad will be reconciled with them.

Good luck!

KittyKate

BTW Sorry Izzy - I clicked thanks but the button dissapeared without thanking you - thanks!!

hjb123

Id definately write the letter, you will only spend time thinking you could have done it. This way you have tried to make contact

elmer

I have a half brother and sister who are adult but much younger than me. They have never been told of my existence and I have no contact with my father and his family through his choice since I was a child.

I would be delighted to speak to my siblings if they were to contact me, although I would be hard to track down as I now live in Scotland.

So go for it, write your letter, the worst that can happen is that you dont get a reply and carry on wondering about them, and you never know they may have been waiting for you to get in touch.

Good luck Elmer x

izzy-wizzy_4

Don't worry about thanks, I'm at work and have to flick between work and mse so it keeps logging me off!!
I don't think you're betraying your dad at all, and I'm sure he won't either. I do think its wise not to tell him unless you get a positive response though. If your sisters don't want to know then it would bring the past back to him in a bad way, feelings of guilt about having to leave them etc. But if they do want to be in touch then from your first post it sounds like your dad would be overjoyed.
Just write much the same as you put in your first post. What your dad has told you and that you'd love to hear from them. Keep it short and simple in the first instance and see what happens. (Definately dont mention the step dad though!)
Good luck Izzy

belfastgirl23

As someone with a complicated family myself I'd say write. Let her know that your father has been thinking about her all these years. Tell her you'll understand if her life is in a place now where this is all behind her but you just wanted to give her an opportunity to be part of his life and your life. You should also give her a thumbnail sketch of your life so she has some idea who she's hearing from and that you don't want anything from her (sorry if this sounds insensitive, just covering all bases). I heard from a distant cousin a while back and even though there had been some bad feeling on that side of the family I was delighted that she had taken the time to give me a call.

Good luck.